by Leigh Lundin
Florida’s leading gubernatorial candidate is a handsome probable billionaire named Rick Scott who … wait for it… if commie conservative liberal libertarian leftist pinko court documents are to be believed, engineered not only the largest Medicare fraud ever, but the largest fraud in our proud Florida history, a state that has an outstanding tradition of major frauds. Ironically, he proposes reducing Medicaid fraud by giving recipients vouchers, even as new charges in his new company arose last week concerning fraud and misleading regulators. Scott refused comment, saying "it’s a private matter." The candidate won the hearts of Florida voters thanks to his claims of "business experience". Oh, yes, the fines for his original fraud were $1.7 BILLION. That’s $1,7 and EIGHT ZEROS in fines, not the fraud itself!
Personally, I would be happy to enact a law to ban Malta (the drink, not the island nation), ubiquitous in Florida. I tasted Moxie once and it’s difficult to judge whether Moxie, Malta, or chilled jet kerosene tastes worst. Malta should be ruled a DEA schedule 6 threat making it perfectly legal to pull over cars suspected of transporting Malta across state lines, then sending perpetrators to Guantanamo. Actually, the wheat/barley drink comes from Cuba and Puerto Rico, although they claim it was invented by accident in Germany when a batch of black beer went horribly wrong. Germans have a lot to answer for.
Criminal Brief, a leader in criminal blogging technology, planned to bring you touch-screen scratch’n’sniff until James pointed out the majority of viewers still use Windows XP. Besides, we value our readers too much to expose them to even the smell of Malta, the kind of drink that when your brain unseizes from The Horror, you can’t believe it’s possible to make anything taste so bad and humanly survive.
Malta is a thick brown carbonated soft drink made out of distilled tires, industrial vegemite solvent, feline urine, and extract of skunk roadkill. It’s best known for cleaning rust spots off chrome and giving gringos (me) a squinty-lip squinty-eye look. President W Bush got his famous squinty-lip squinty-eye look from imbibing Malta when he visited Jeb down here in Florida. Really. That’s how he got it.
Wearing a wet T-shirt with a padded bra is grounds for arrest in Florida. Either that or looking like an illegal alien when you’re not. Or being slow to produce identification, when demanded. Choose one or more.
Plus, the town of Tavares is apparently keeping a database of women in padded bra wet T-shirts. Or illegal legal aliens. Or both. Choose one or more.
In this strange and scary story, Mr. and Mrs. Lovett took their autistic seven year old boy to a local kiddie Splash Park. Mrs. Lovett T-shirt got splashed, revealing she wore a padded bra. That’s her in the T-shirt on the left.
Personally, I think padded bras should be illegal, but wearers shouldn’t be harassed or arrested. Not everyone believes the same and a city employee ejected Janet Lovett from the kiddie park who told her to remove herself or change into a swim suit or other clothing.
Weird, huh. But this is Florida, so it gets weirder.
She wrapped a towel around herself and leaving their son with her husband, she headed home. It’s not explicitly known the city worker phoned the police, but as soon as she stepped outside the fence, a police officer popped up and demanded to see her identification to enter in a database.
Mrs. Lovett started trembling. She’s from Peru where police do things like stop people and demand identification, and she’d earned her US citizenship just three months earlier. The cop said she couldn’t call her husband and arrested her for not producing her ID "fast enough"– it was in the car– and charged her with obstruction of justice and resisting arrest.
Arizona and Florida law nonwithstanding, the police cannot legally stop citizens and demand papers, as authoritarian countries may. In this case, the cop stated her name was wanted for their database.
Database? What database, exactly? Tavares officials have been asked if they are keeping a secret database, but they’ve declined comment. It wouldn’t then be secret, would it?
If there was any doubt Mrs. Lovett is a true American, she’s suing the town.
Bless her little heart!
You know those full body scanners in use at major airports and many government buildings? Those perv machines that take ghostly photos to see if you’re packing heat? Remember Homeland Security told the public the scanners aren’t capable of storing images? (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
Someone forgot to tell the scanner at the federal courthouse in Orlando it couldn’t keep pictures so it’s been blithely filing 6000 images a month on its hard drive. I know you’re all shocked.
My body fat index isn’t the greatest, but hey, snapping a photo of my ectoplasm is far less onerous than many other things the government does, and trust me, you wouldn’t believe the staggering amount of data the government collects in Oracle databases. But a photo? All you had to do was ask. You didn’t have to lie to us.
At last, TSA admits the scanners are capable of storing images after all, but not to worry because we can (cough, cough) trust them. Besides, the US Marshalls Service says it’s allowed because they dialed down the detail.
Shift now to Miami, where, after being body scanned, a TSA worker went berserk after enduring a year of cruel jokes about his, er, boyhood, so to speak. Fed up, the poor shlub beat a fellow worker with his, er, baton. Really, his baton, that’s what the reports claim.