CRIME WAVE and PUNISHMENT

by Leigh Lundin, Louis, Josh, Dale, Mike, alisa, Jeff, Thad^[1]

Thanks to Criminal Brief readers, you may have heard Florida’s Orange County Sheriff’s Department staged armed SWAT-style takedowns against barbershops in Orlando. The raids went down something like this.

H’air Raids

“We’ve got a big ’do in Orlando, quite a hairy situation,” said Police Captain Crimp. “Barbershops in Orlando involved in the fur trade, scalping customers, veritable beehives of criminal activity. It’s enough to make your hair curl.”

“Who’s involved?” asked Inspector Mullet.

“The Hirsute gang, Moe, Curly, and …”

“And Larry?”

“No, he’s a pageboy and hasn’t had a brush with the law. It’s Shaggy Bush; he hates the fuzz.”

“Had a close shave with him. Clipped me, he did, then pelted me with abuse.”

“I knew he kept a bit on the side, but not that. You can’t afford to let your hair down around him.”

“Missed by a whisker, but that one’s got a hair trigger.”

“Hair-raising driver. He gave a hitchhiker on the berm a shave.”

“How do these clip joints operate?”

“They take a bit off the top before everyone gets their cut.”

“That’s a bald lie!”

“Relax, Mullet. It’s a shock, but sharp practice is the way they fleece customers and shave profits. Quite a payout.”

“They’re Jewish?”

“No, payout with a U. I’m ready to pull my hair out.”

“I’m sorry I bristled, but that frosts me, even with razor thin margins.”

“I dread dealing with fringe elements. We want you to beard their den. Our informant says they operate out of the Hair Moose Club.”

“Where they keep the Moose stash?”

“Yes. We learned about it from a mole.”

“These crime rings… nothing worse than a ring worm. Who else is on the barbershop case?”

“I wanted a quartet, but I sent in Harry Callahan.”

“Isn’t Dirty Hairy underarmed?”

“’Fraid so, but I want you and Tress to roll on this one.”

“Er, sir, she was killed in the last episode.”

“I forgot. Wasn’t the crew cut short?”

“Yes, Al O’peesha and the whole she-bang, Tress along with them. Snippy thing she was.”

“Well, too late to upbraid her. Go with Dee Foliate and Dan Ruff, then.”

“No one likes Dan Ruff, sir. He’s a tad highbrow and a bit, well, flaky. That patch of his …”

“Sore eye is it? Don’t split hairs or pick nits. He stands head and shoulders above the others.”

“The boys will queue to mop up that gang. What do you want me to do, sir?”

“Get to the root. Pull the rug from under them. Comb Main Street down by the locks where the split ends. Find Moe Hirsute and his gang. Make a clean sweep of every barbershop on the Strand and see no one dies.”

“I’d love to clap Curly in irons.”

“They’re a public nuisance.”

“I’m so glad Criminal Brief now uses ‘L’s, sir.”

(Leigh may still be a little feverish.)

^[1] Thank you!

Today’s article comes to us thanks to Criminal Brief readers. To my delight, contributors wrote most of my column last week as I spent a few days with a soggy cold buried under blankets.

Louis and Yoshinori came up with the story behind today’s article. Dale, Josh, Jeff, and alisa critiqued and commented on a featured Hitchcock episode and others. Thad said I had to get my edge back. Mike Doran gave us the lowdown on victim in the plot while Dale suggested another Hitchcock episode. (I’m not sure why some are available and some not, but television productions are often beholden to interests that make little sense to the viewing public.)

Thanks, gang!