Friday, March 27: Bandersnatches
BOOKS R US
by Steve Steinbock
Behind the scenes here at Criminal Brief Headquarters, Leigh Lundin and I have exchanged a couple of observations about the mega-chain book stores. You know what I’m referring to: the one multinational online superstore and the two huge brick-and-mortar bookstore chains. I’m not going to bad-mouth any of them. All of them have done a lot to promote books and authors, and have made it easier for consumers to find virtually any book and get it at a reasonable price.
The biggest price has been the disappearance of the small independent bookstore. But I’m not going off on that today.
Last summer I was in a city thousands of miles from home and while passing one of these big chain bookstores, I happened to see a DVD of “Soylent Green” sitting in a window display. “Soylent Green” is a science fiction flick with Charlton Heston as a New York City detective in a horrifically overpopulated future, based on a novel by Harry Harrison. It’s a mediocre film by anyone’s standards. But it’s a film I always enjoyed. A cousin of mine appeared in it (as a bad guy). And it was Edward G. Robinson’s final film, and has a beautiful scene of Robinson licking a spoon that had remnants of strawberry jam, something he hadn’t tasted since he was a child.
There was a price-tag visible on the DVD case. It was less than ten bucks. I always wanted a copy. I walked into the store. I went back to the DVD section and looked for a copy on the shelves. After a thorough search, I came up empty. There was no one in the DVD department to ask. So I went up to the front of the store.
This was a big store. I’m sure there were a couple dozen spycams set around the store, and somewhere in some back room on the top floor, ten security personnel were studying their screens for signs of shoplifting.
Fine. I’m all for security, of the Big Brother variety or otherwise.
But there was no one on the floor to help me.
Three registers were open at the front, each manned (sorry, “personned”) by tattooed, perforated, ringed, and studded young persons with glazed-over eyes. I got in line.
“I can help the next customer,” said an androgynous monotone voice.
I stepped up to be helped.
It was a nondescript young man with colorless hair and thick-lensed eyeglasses. He seemed flustered that I didn’t have any purchases.
“I’m looking for a DVD. I saw a copy in the window, but I couldn’t find it on your shelves.”
“Did you look in the DVD department?”
“Yes. That’s where I looked.”
“And you didn’t find it?”
“No. That’s why I came up here.”
“I’ll send somebody over to help you. I can help the next customer.”
I wound my way back to the shelves of DVDs in the back of the store. I checked the Science Fiction/Horror section again. I checked Action/ Adventure. I even checked Classics. Eventually a young woman whose hair was once red came over.
“I understand you’re looking for a DVD.”
“That’s right. “‘Soylent Green.'”
She looked at me like I’d just babbled a curse-word. “What did you say?”
“‘Soylent Green.’ That’s the name of the movie. You have a copy in the front window of the store. It’s on sale.”
She hit a few keys at a computer terminal. “How do you spell that?”
I spelled it for her.
She typed it in. She stared at the screen and said, “Can you spell that for me again?”
I did. She retyped something, and a veil of something dropped from her expression. “Oh, here it is. It doesn’t look like we have any copies. I can order it for you.”
“No thanks. But like I said, there’s a copy on display in the front window of the store.”
“There is?”
“Yes.”
“Of … ” she looked at her screen, “”Solvent Green?'”
“‘Soylent’,” I corrected her.
“Oh.”
“Can I buy the copy that’s on display?”
The question took her aback. “I don’t know,” she finally said.
After a moment of silence, I said, “Is there anyone we can ask?”
“Um, let me check.”
Several minutes later I was back at the front of the store with a “manager.” He was tall, thin, and unkempt, and looked like he wasn’t in the habit of sleeping much. I explained to him about the DVD on display in the window. The notion that a product was on display but not on the shelves was somewhat Greek to the poor lad. There were too many abstract concepts for his mind to juggle. Finally he said, “Oh, so you want to buy the copy that is in the window display. I get it. Sure, I don’t see why not.”
I watched the young man climb onto the ledge and make his way around the false wall behind the check-out area. The wall shook a couple of times. At one point I heard a crash followed by “I’m all right.”
He finally emerged with the DVD held like a prize in his hands. If it was possible, he was even less kempt than before. His hair was still sticking up in several directions, but was now adorned with cobweb lace, and both of his shirttails were hanging out. “This is the one you wanted, right? I’ve never heard of it. Charleton Heston. Isn’t he that NRA guy? Who’s Edward G. Robinson?”
He gave me the DVD. I handed it to a clerk. She scanned it and said, “$26.84 please.”
“What? It says $9.95 on the sticker.”
“Oh. I see. You’re right.”
The manager had already disappeared. Presumably to tuck in his shirt. He was called back to approve the purchase.
The end of the story is that I did get my DVD of “Soylent Green.” It was entertaining, but not quite as good as I’d remembered it. But the moral of the story, if there is one, is that while we hope that the mere presence of books will help people become smarter, we ought not count on osmosis. One must actually open the books — preferably books of quality — and read them with a critical eye.
That’s my hope, anyway. Otherwise we might end up like the minions on “Soylent Green.”
There’s a movie I wish had stayed in my childhood. I saw it for a second time a couple of years ago and cringed. EGR was great though!
Neat tale of shopping woe. Reminds me of the time I spent thirty minutes (it seemed like it) getting a store assistant to type “Georges Simenon” into the computer.
Well, Steve, I’m sure glad you didn’t say anything negative about chain stores.
I’m passing your tale on to a friend who works in an indy bookshop. They spend tons of time training employees to give service that is the opposite of what you encountered. Now you know why.
Good story, Steve. I saw SL at a drive-in in Oklahoma City when I was in the Air Force, and loved it. (Admit it, you bought the DVD because of Leigh Taylor-Young.)
Who was your cousin, who appeared as a bad guy in the movie?
Sorry. I meant SG, not SL. I still like the title, and the “surprise” of what Soylent Green really was.
Rent “Idiocracy” starring Luke Wilson for a hysterically funny vision of the future.
My cousin is Leonard Stone, who played the role of “Charles,” the manager of the building where Joseph Cotton lived. (Leonard appeared in a ton of minor roles on TV in everything from “Dragnet” to “Perry Mason” to “Lost in Space” to a regular stint on “L.A. Law”).
And yes, John. Seeing Leigh Taylor-Young wearing not much at all won my adolescent heart. So at least in part, I bought the DVD for her.
I worked with Leonard Stone! I think it was in Fame is The Name of Game or maybe Kicks (Chrysler Theater) or god know’s what TV show it was.
That’s a really funny story. And a really tragic story. I share your fond memories of that film, but it sounds like I might be wise not toe look at it again.
I’m lucky to have gotten only good service at the chains. And at the local indies. (I shudder at the notion of SG shown on “Dinner and a Movie”)
I used to work for a big chain, and I can tell you that most minimum-wage employees are fungible, and don’t stay very long. This is in stark contrast to independents, where getting hired requires a modicum of qualification and employees generally stay for years.
But my favorite story about bookseller incompetence was related to me by an independent bookseller. I confess that it may be apocryphal, since I am not aware of any independent evidence attesting to its truth.
The bookseller desperately needed extra stock for a scheduled signing, as the shipment he had ordered from the distributor didn’t arrive in time for the event. In such cases, it is standard procedure to purchase as many copies as possible from the local chains. These purchases are exempt from sales tax, since the items are purchased for resale. That way, the second-tier seller does not actually lose any money.
Feeling a little devilish, he called the chain bookstore on the phone, but before asking for the books he actually wanted, he opened with, “Do you have any Gutenberg Bibles in stock?”
“Just a minute, sir,” responded the young lady on the other end. “Let me check the computer.”
Melodie, I had a feeling you and Leonard walked in some of the same circles.
I have a whole shelf-load of Gutenburg Bibles I’d be happy to sell to that chain-store clerk.
And everyone, quit “dissing” Soylent Green. It may not have stood up to my adolescent memories, but it’s not a bad flick, either.
I’ve pretty much given up asking for help at the big chain stores. If I don’t see it on the shelves, I order from “that one multinantional online superstore” (TOMOS). In fact, over the last couple of years, most of my book and CD purchases have moved to TOMOS. There’s a local record shop that specializes in progressive rock. I spend my prog dollars with him, though. And unlike the chains, he tells me about all the new music coming in from Europe that I might like and I learn of new artists. Those days are fading fast.
(When I first read Steve’s column, this was my comment, sent to him off-line:)
BTW, “Soylent Green” was based on the dystopian novel MAKE ROOM! MAKE ROOM! by science fiction great Harry Harrison, best known for his “Stainless Steel Rat” series chronicling the comic adventures of con artist “Slippery Jim” James Bolivar diGriz. The book doesn’t have the shocker about cannibalism in it, though.
Interesting how reactions differ among viewers upon seeing a movie a couple decades after first seeing it. I got the DVD to “Soylent Green” two or three years ago, and found that the movie was a lot better than I had remembered it. When it first came out, I thought Charlton Heston’s performance was over the top, but on seeing it again I realized that he actually gave a very credible, sensitive performance, true to the character. I think that the first time I saw the movie I was subconsciously comparing Heston’s performance against Robinson’s.
(In other words, I think it’s a good movie.)