Sunday, February 24: The A.D.D. Detective
A CLASSLESS SOCIETY
by Leigh Lundin
I must be one of the few males who’s not been in the Paris Hilton. I’ve never entered the glistening passage thereof, nor sunk into the plush though possibly overworn chambers, or been sucked into the whole celebrity thing.
That Norwegian immigrant, August Halvorsen Hilton, would be so proud of his offspring. The good news is that the hotel empire his son Conrad founded has long since passed out of the family’s hands.
I am one of the least celebrity-cognizant people on the planet. Horrified at my ignorance, friends Steve and Sharon bought me Celebrity Pop Culture Trivia Cards. It might be a lost cause; as Cootie (poet/writer/teacher Deborah Bannister) pointed out, I take a perverse pride in not knowing what goes on in the celebrity world. Unfortunately, even I haven’t been able to escape the invasion of Paris.
That’s Hot
JLW and I cope with Hiltonisation in different ways: He pretends to ignore her, I pretend to hate her, and she pretends to act, sing, and model.
Diane a friend of my friend Thrush, is smart, articulate, and normally sensible, although it’s sometimes not safe to dine across the table from her. (Maybe it’s just me.) A few months ago, she made a heart-felt and impassioned argument that Paris should be pitied, that she’s a victim of the media, a young lady exploited by promoters. It didn’t help that I replied, "I think she’s a waste of protoplasm," followed by the woman next to her snorting wine through her nose.
Mine was an uninformed opinion. I didn’t know anything about pH other than she seems most notable for bad acting, bad singing, and bad blowjobs. However, a recent article caught my attention, that she was being honored by Harvard. Granted, it was the Harvard Lampoon, but it precipitated plans to write a Criminal Brief article about (hmm, here’s a stretch) criminal excess. Forthwith, I had to conduct research. (Okay, nude photos are part of the research, see?)
Hilton Head
To track down old August (above), I found myself traversing a very wormy genealogical tree. I began to believe Diane has a valid point, that the girl should be pitied, albeit for different reasons. This isn’t a family exploited by the media, but a family which exploits itself. This is a family, as my mother would say, that seems to have little grounding.
But what a history! It’s bad enough that Conrad Sr, son of August, married cop-slapping Zsa Zsa Gábor but, according to Gábor, their own daughter was a product of rape at (or after) the time of their divorce. Zsa Zsa later filed suit against her own daughter for larceny and fraud. (Isn’t that a legal oxymoron?)
Then we have Conrad Jr (Nicky) who managed to stay married to Elizabeth Taylor for nine months. Alcohol eventually took its toll at age 42. According to a biographical detail from Joan Collins, Junior was ‘the sort of crude sexual athlete who boasted about the size of his member, the number of his conquests and the duration of his sexual encounters.’ Reportedly, he kept an orgasm scoreboard by his bed.
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| The gold photos are part of a promotion themed ‘Global Warming’ by a German producer of cheap fruity wine, ‘the perfect starter drink’ in a beer can. Now that’s class! |
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| Recipe for kir, the original French wine ‘cooler’: In a glass of inexpensive dry white wine, add a few drops (to taste) of crème de cassis (black currant liqueur). |
| Credit for the pH moniker goes to one of our readers, alisa, (probably an alien alias.) |
I’m not sure what such a scorecard would look like. (tic-tac-toe? bowling card?) Scoring systems, however, are prone to tampering and misinterpretation. Our pH has overcome this shortcoming. Utilizing the latest technology, she records her climaxes on DVD for internet distribution.
To be fair, Paris recently sued for invasion of privacy. Not the National Enquirer, not the Star, nor other trashy tabloids. She sued Hallmark Cards.
Who could have predicted Paris might have been one of the more refined Hiltons? Does anyone see potential in a Jerry Springer episode?
A Touch of Class
I have a conspiracy theory that pH is an alien species. Take notice of the two photographs from a commercial for canned ‘champagne’. Paris was bad enough, but now we have a German company trying to sell us cheap sparkling wine in a beer can.
Note, pH appear to be metallic. Second, if my alien theory is correct, not only is pH missing, um, what do you call those little anatomical things? Oh, yes, nipples. As any aficionado of science fiction knows, aliens tend to get careless about things like that, not unlike politicians pretending to be human.
Thanks all the same, but I believe I’ll return to my vast sea of happy celebrity ignorance. Anyone want a set of Celebrity Pop Culture Trivia cards?
An Evening in Paris
As mentioned above, what brought about today’s column was twofold:
- Harvard awarding her Woman of the Year
- A serious drought of other ideas
The Uncyclopedia has paid homage to Paris with articles (well worth reading), but to be honored by the premier publication of Cambridge must be especially meaningful. This award has been mentioned in such renown publications as TV Guide and, well, TV Guide. Somehow the Harvard Lampoon itself missed her actual visit. That’s all right; she missed the opening of her Club Paris in Orlando, closed months later leaving high and dry investors, well, cold.
I do not pretend to ignore her. I do ignore her.
I am very disappointed that you find it necessary to address such an unsavory and demeaning topic.
Readers should be outraged. It is unsavory, but it’s also necessary. In researching the article, no words of censure did I come across, other than regarding a lack of talent or clucking bemusement. Only Uncyclopedia had anything approaching criticism.
We’re locked in a war that has cost upwards of 50,000 lives, Iraqi and American. We toil in an economy that went in one sweep from the largest surplus in history to the largest deficit, with the US dollar losing a third of its value in six years. We offer tax rebates on borrowed money. Candidates embrace the 1984ish ‘FairTax’, which is disingenuously cloaked to hide just how unfair it is. Our political debates center upon whether McCain is too old, Obama is too young, or whether Hillary should wear pantsuits.
And yet, the attention of the many is drawn to the antics of a few, a handful of ‘celebs’ who have difficulty remembering to wear panties. In writing the article, I came to realize the dissipation of one of the wealthiest and most influential families dates back at least 60 years, so ignoring the situation, as Dr.Phil would say, clearly isn’t working.
Within this genre, we’re at heart moralists, even if we see things different ways. From the three words that form the title to the closing, this article isn’t about pH, but about us. What has brought us to a juncture that this is acceptable?
History suggests the pendulum will swing the other way, but in the meantime, if not wisdom, we have wit and words, even if both are only in half measures. (I had to point that out before Terrie Moran did.)
The Thin Man movies of the 30’s and 40’s were extremely popular movies. Nick and Nora Charles lived life unlike the audiences that paid to see them. Why were people draw to these movies? We all dream of what life on the other side would be like. Sure it’s frivolous. But, wouldn’t it be nice not to have to work seven days a week. My only worry would be what to wear to the new club opening. Like Paris Hilton or not.
Celebrities provide us with an excape from our otherwise humdrum lives.
Celebrities provide us with an excape [sic] from our otherwise humdrum lives.
That is the silliest excuse I have ever heard for indulging in gossip.
The Thin Man movies were murder mysteries. If all they had been about was Nick and Nora getting plastered in high society, they would never have found an audience.
Like James I choose to ignore the celebrity news, at least I try my best to ignore it. Regardless, the headlines abound where ever I choose to read the morning news. Thankfully it’s my choice as to whether or not the article will be viewed in its entirety.
Unlike James, my take on Leigh’s article was viewed in a different light. I saw a writer acting as society’s conscious and bringing forth our lack of concern when indulging in such frivolous ‘news’.
Why it makes the news is beyond me. News providers obviously have had positive feedback as far as readership is concerned and continue to provide the masses what they demand. Leigh used humour to attract our attention to the demise of our society in general. I am now asking myself what I, as an individual, can do to make my views known. My silence has been an affirmation to the news publishers that this is indeed the kind of news I want to read. Maybe it’s time I put words to paper and make my voice known.
Thank you, Leigh.
I find it all very sad. Reality shows on television are major hits. I’d rather spend my tv time watching heinous crimes on all the Law and Orders, The Shield and The Wire. That is just a personal preference.
I am a movie freak. I just don’t really care what the actors are doing outside the movie and I really resent them assuming I am too dumb to know how to vote and if the grass is green and if people are going to track me down if I wear fur. Who CARES what they think? They are doing their job behind the camera in a play-like life.
What it all comes down to me is discipline. Self discipline whether it be writing; what to write; or how I act in public. I don’t have the means to be an idiot in public money wise, but I do have the respect of my family and peer to uphold some sort of discipline in my actions and/or reactions. Well–most times!
Leigh, I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak and by the way your puns did not “escape” me! What I thought you were saying is people buy, read, and live off this type “literature.” What the hell has happened?
Kids and adults are already graphic (cartoon) novels to study history. WHAT?
Reading and comprehension are two every important things I learned. The thing is, I can’t comprehend pH and many of her peer.
I have to discipline myself to wonder what their parents were thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion they were thinking dollar signs!
Interesting article and…..controversial!
thanks.
And — as proved in the past — even mentioning her name gets more comments on Criminal Brief than when we don’t. What’s with that? Most interesting.
Because her outrageous antics arouses emotions.
Speaking of mentioning names, check this Guide to Semiconductor Physics.
Part of what (we think) we know about Cleopatra and the wives of Julius, Augustus, and Claudius was Roman celebrity gossip. Arguably Plutarch and Suetonius were the gossip columnists of their time; so much so that 20 centuries later, we’re still fascinated and appalled by the excesses of Tiberius, Caligula, and Vitellius.
These were all prominent political figures of their times. Several of them were heads of state. Their conduct presumably had an impact on the civilization they dominated.
pH, contrariwise, is nothing but a spoiled rich girl whose only claim to fame is … her claim to fame. I objected to your column because (as Debby almost notes), even by criticizing her, you’re playing her game and satisfying her psychopathic need for publicity. Enough! Criminal Brief should be a pH-free site. We have much better things to talk about.
These were all prominent political figures of their times. Several of them were heads of state. Their conduct presumably had an impact on the civilization they dominated…….`
So. That means we talk about what some of our politicians were/are conducting in the oval office or public bathrooms?
Perhaps their impact has indeed produced the need within some to following spoiled brats leads because it is now not a \”classless societal thing to \’fill in the blan\’\” The thing is and cannot be overlooked whether it is proper for this forum is conduct of the overall in the spotlight, which include readers, writers and forums! It may not be a mystery as in mystery writer but it is a mysterious phenomenon that has followed all great empires that have FALLEN.
I rest my case and shall proceed to better things to talk about.
Tomatoes? The pH balance is conducive their taste. Oh and good mystery authors/writers/readers….pH balance is a must and to taster as it were in the readership etc.
I don\’t see how you can escape pH. Its everywhere. Which if you think about, could produce an interesting, even alluring mystery.
I wonder why people read about spoiled brats. I also wonder why I am fascinated by the mind of a serial killer. I guess I\’m just as classless, only my pH is very unbalanced.
So long.
>That is the silliest excuse I have ever heard for indulging in gossip.
Don’t execute the messenger! (or our readers!) This is the reason (or excuse, if you will) heard repeatedly since forever, that ‘celebrities’ show a different world that some people choose to emulate, whether it’s pH or Nick and Nora. The sad news is that society and fashion no longer focuses on ascots and pillbox hats but … (fill in your own pun).
Part of what (we think) we know about Cleopatra and the wives of Julius, Augustus, and Claudius was Roman celebrity gossip. Arguably Plutarch and Suetonius were the gossip columnists of their time; so much so that 20 centuries later, we’re still fascinated and appalled by the excesses of Tiberius, Caligula, and Vitellius.
As Sheena said, silence can be construed as silent approval. We can’t stop gossip as history has shown us, and my modest article can’t shape it, but at least I don’t have to accept it.
This article and photograph of a blllboard from New Zealand’s Sunday Star Times is hilarious.