TITLES and ASSETS ^[1]

by Leigh Lundin

I remember the title of an adult book I read in the third grade, Fritz Lieber’s Gather Darkness. Without the context of the novel, the title is evocative, but considered with the story, the title is multi-tiered with meaning. Gather Darkness is an exemplary title.

Contrasting that with another favorite author, Dick Francis, I can never relate titles to his stories. Let’s see, I recall the premise of Bolt and… and… well, that’s all. He’s set stories in Europe, America, Africa, there’re shootings and murder with shampoo, but I can’t name the titles. I love his stories, which is the important criteria, but I’d love to be able to tell friends to read his… uh… um… I forget.

On the Dell Magazine forum, I heard about a story with the curious name of Wide O. What the hell kind of title is that? I wondered. A clever one as it turns out. I mentioned it last month, and if you didn’t get a chance to read it, the author, Elsin Ann (Graffam) Perry, posted it here.

When it comes to movies, few titles among my favorites grab my attention like Gaslight, but I saw the films long after the title became a verb.

Sometimes titles are better than their story, such as Blow Out, an offbeat film by Brian de Palma. Not only does the title have multiple meanings, it’s also an allusion to an even quirkier movie, Blowup, by Michelangelo Antonioni.

Titillation

Some of the funniest (and punniest) titles come from, ah, niche movies of an educational biological nature. I haven’t had time to properly (or improperly) research said films, but for years, I drove by an adult specialty house called Fairvilla Video with a marquee advertising the week’s movies.

Many drew a chuckle: Terms of Endowment, Saturday Night Fever Blister, How Stella Got Her Groove Packed, Inspect Her Gadget, The Loin King, and Waiting to XXXhale, but for outright laughing to the point of tears, Lawrence of A Labia almost caused me to wreck the car.

For those conducting research, I’ve posted a list of three dozen humorous titles (and two dozen that sound like porn titles).

¹ Speaking of titillation, the sneaky title of this article, TITLES and ASSETS, comes from a magazine I read on a cross-country flight eons ago, an article about money and beauty pageants and what was once called ‘T&A’.

Entitled

At my first MWA dinner, I was seated next to Ed Hoch, master of nearly a thousand stories, and there I was with just a single story published. To my amazement, no one other than me cared.

Being the new kid on the block, I have a small number of titles out there compared to my Criminal Brief colleagues. John Floyd’s stories alone must number well into three digits.

Swamped, my first story in Ellery Queen, was set in the Okeechobee-Everglades muskeg, the obvious reference. I also intended hints of a bogged-down judicial system and a besieged protagonist.

8 Across, my first story in Alfred Hitchcock, was originally working-titled ‘Borderline’. I used crossword puzzle clues to describe traits about my main character, and once I’d taken that step, it was impossible to resist the double meaning implicit in its final title.

Quality of Mercy is my first story in an MWA anthology. The Prosecution Rests should see publication in mid-April, also containing a story from another Criminal Brief member, Angela Zeman. Quality of Mercy deals with Alzheimer’s disease and euthanasia. Clever titles using ‘memory’ or ‘forget’ were possible, but it’s a gentle story and I didn’t want to be too fancy.

Nobody Loves a Woman Cop occurred to me after experiences in the poncy speed trap of Windermere, Florida. Cops ride travelers’ tails, waiting for a nervous 1 MPH uptick in the speedometer. My girlfriend skated three or four times– except the one time a female officer stopped her. Women can flirt their way out of tickets (or in once case, baked cookies), but nobody has a prayer with a woman cop. This was a rare instance in which I had a title before a story, although I wrote the story without regard to a title.

False Front is about a woman with low self-esteem, manipulated by a young Svengali. The title refers to the veneer of her public face and her breast augmentation, which precipitates murderous events.

Viper is the third title I considered for a short story about a violent, conning snake handler. My working title ‘Snake Oil’ was ‘okay’, but hardly riveting. I considered ‘Snake Charmer’ (and I still like it), but I allowed myself to be persuaded by the pithiness of ‘Viper’.

Under Pressure is impossible to discuss without giving away the plot. The title relates to characters and the plot device, but you’ll have to wait to read it.

Bleach Blonde is a short short story with a double meaning, referring to bleach used to destroy blood evidence.

Crastination is about a protagonist who sinks into a quagmire of depression, procrastination being one of his symptoms. I have yet to figure out where to place the story.

I’ve toyed with children’s mysteries, some set in pre-Civil War days with titles like Angel in the Snow, Cakewalk, and Straw Man. I wrote a modern story for (and about) kids I know called The Adventure of the Slime Mobsters.

Whirlpool is a novel I work on when I’m not writing Criminal Brief. The title is a reference to a crime scene and the situation the hero finds himself in.

Party Animal is its sequel about a politician and her political party.

Title Cloud

Like many writers, I jot down titles I think might be catchy should a plot occur to me. I’d love to have an excuse to use A Dark and Stormy Knight, but I don’t imagine I’m likely to write a story when knighthood was in flower.

I plan to write Women for Dummies, just as soon as I pass the exam. More likely I should stick to My Big Fat Geek Wedding.