POST SUBMISSION BLUES

by James Lincoln Warren

Before Criminal Brief got off the ground, “The Scribbler” had two previous incarnations as an independent blog. As far as attracting readers goes, they were both dismal performers, but I did occasionally stumble upon a topic that resonated with my friends and stimulated a lot of conversation amongst the select few.

One such topic was how writers’ hearts are affected when we finally put the final polish on a manuscript and launch it into the wide world for consideration, to succeed or fail according to its merits. For most writers, this is a time of high anxiety. Will my hard labors be rewarded? Will it sell or languish?

I suppose you could call this phenomenon submission anxiety. Psychologically, it makes sense: during the period when a writer works on a new story, for the most part, it is under his direct control. Yes, there may be external pressures, some expected and others not—my last opus was written under a deadline, for example, and on another occasion, I had to abandon a title because a new novel unexpectedly usurped it. (That was very strange, since it was not a very likely title.) But even if these pressures can have a big impact, the actual work is under the writer’s thumb the entire time. In fact, the author has essentially godlike powers over every thing that happens in his opus—but once it’s in the mail, he is once again a mere mortal.

I understand this, and I feel compassion for those who feel it. But I’ve never felt that way.

Once a manuscript is in the mail, I don’t worry about it at all—it has flown away like a kid going off to college. I can’t go to college for the kid. To be honest, I wouldn’t even want to go to college for the kid. The story will succeed or fail, and since there’s nothing I can do about it after I’ve done my best to prepare it for success, I don’t worry about it. If it succeeds, I am very happy. If it fails, then I enroll it in another campus for a second chance (i.e., I resubmit the story somewhere else). I haven’t failed to place a story in more than a decade, although they don’t always make the cut where I initially submit them. Maybe the reason I don’t get anxious about tales once they’re making their own way is because I’ve been so lucky.

But don’t get the idea that I am an emotional man of steel.

Instead of getting anxious, I get the literary equivalent of postpartum blues.

This usually manifests itself as a feeling of being directionless. What do I do now?

Now, this is not exactly a rational response. I almost always have more than one project in the works at any given time, and my last story was no exception. But the things I have on the assembly line seem to have lost their luster, at least for the time being.

This feeling lasted for about three days. I read and reread my other works in progress, looking for an impetus to get cracking again, and it just wouldn’t come. The stuff I had in development wasn’t bad. Actually, they were all pretty good, given that they are all still in their infancy. But none of them spoke to me.

So it was time to take a look at the old idea file. To be honest, I don’t really keep such a file, although I know a lot of writers who do. I just squirrel away concepts in my head. There was the idea of the sleazy lawyer with the smart-aleck assistant I had last year. And then there was the idea I had in response to a query, I think from either Steve or Leigh, asking if I had ever thought about writing a mystery set in classical times, to which I replied that a mystery set during the translation of the Septuagint, i.e., the Greek translation of the Tanakh (Old Testament) made for the Library of Alexandria beginning in the 3rd century BCE, might be fun. For years, Margaret has wanted me to write a story featuring Alan Treviscoe’s sidekick, Africanus Hero, as the detective instead of merely the detective’s assistant.

One of them clicked. I don’t want to say which one just yet, because it’s early days and before I even start to write the story, I need to do a lot of research. But the blues are gone.

I have no idea why my brain works this way. But it’s what keeps me scribbling.

NO FILM at 11

by Leigh Lundin

Government authorities want the right to spy on you, but they don’t want you to record them. Some officials claim public scrutiny is espionage, even hinting at terrorism and criminal mischief. Indeed, the Cook County State Attorney’s office now wraps itself in the cloak of homeland security for the most trivial of arrests.

75 Years for Recording Officials

Take Michael Allison, a backyard mechanic fighting Code Enforcement for the right to fix cars in his backyard. For his hearing, he asked for but was denied a court reporter. To obtain a permanent record, he informed the court he’d record it himself. Judge Kimbara Harrell ordered Allison arrested for violating her right to privacy.

If convicted, this man with no criminal record could be sentenced up to 75 years in prison, effectively a life sentence. He could have committed murder and been sentenced to a fraction of the time.

Chicago, Chicago

George Mason University’s Mercatus Center rates Illinois next to the bottom in personal freedom. In 2008 alone, the state arrested more than 2% of its population for victimless crimes.

It comes as no surprise Illinois leads the retreat in reversing constitutional liberties, twisting a law meant to safeguard the people against overreaching government, protecting the rotten heartwood of power from examination by its citizens. Illinois aggressively prosecutes citizens who attempt to record public servants in the supposed performance of duties. Little wonder the state with a police commander imprisoned for years of torturing suspects and a series of indicted governors detests transparency.

A University of Chicago Law School study found 10,000 complaints filed against Chicago police in a two-year period, 40% more than the national average. Of those 10,000 complaints, only 19 resulted in significant discipline and in 85% of the complaints, the police department cleared the accused officer without troubling to interview him. That year of the study, officers in the elite Special Operations Unit were convicted of a number of crimes including physical abuse, robbery and theft, and conspiracy and planning to murder. Meanwhile, the state arrests citizens who attempt to document abuses of authority.

Report a Crime, Do the Time

Take Tiawanda Moore who, after being groped by a policeman, was arrested when she tried to report the sexual violation to Chicago Police Internal Affairs. As they tried to dissuade her from filing a report, in her frustration she began recording them. She’s now in jail with the possibility of a fifteen-year sentence while the person who groped her remains free.

More often, the state arrests and initiates prosecution of photojournalists and videographers, only to settle at the last moment in an apparent effort to avoid a Supreme Court challenge. This technique is used and abused in many ways, but the idea is to stop just short of a court ruling that might get the laws thrown out.

One Giant Step Back for Mankind

Video and cell phone cameras are credited with underpinning fledgling democracy movements in the Middle East and exposing government abuses. In the US and the UK, you find lawmakers, prosecuting attorneys, and law enforcement who want the opposite– they don’t want to be caught on film and they’re taking steps to see the public can’t record their actions.

Although I speak a lot about cops, this really isn’t about lawmen. It’s more about the failure of lawmakers. It’s about a failure to protect civil liberties. Many times an A/V record is the only way either police or citizens can prove what happened, and the ability to make one’s case shouldn’t reside solely with authorities. Often, police aren’t aware of laws regarding filming and recording. We can’t simply blame police, because citizens are just as unknowing or naïve.

These issues aren’t unique. Recently, Russia dismissed a quarter of its police forces during polygraphed corruption investigations while Mexico dismissed a tenth of its federal police force. It’s not clear how these numbers compare to Chicago, New York City, Los Angeles, or Smudgepot, Florida, but corruption scandals occur in any city where public light fails to shine in the rat holes and dark corners of society. Just ask Philadelphia.

Legal Debate

Some civil libertarians wish to push the issue into a test by the Supreme Court, believing the Court will rule in favor of the First Amendment. I’m not so sanguine. I cannot think of a single case in which the Scalia-Thomas-Alito trifecta has upheld individual liberties against the whims of the state. Even in the recent children-aren’t-miniature-adults Miranda ruling, Chief Justice Roberts joined the trio arguing children don’t deserve special consideration.

Decisions by the Supreme Court are difficult to reverse. Most people don’t realize Dred Scott is still on the books; SCOTUS has never repudiated let alone reversed its ruling. Good or bad, once they make a decision, it’s pretty much cast in stone.

Miami Hit

As Memorial Day wound down, 22-year-old Raymond Herisse, who had a lengthy felony record, including fourteen arrests involving drug possession, driving without a valid license, and missing court dates, jumped the light at a traffic stop, striking although not injuring a police officer. Chase ensued and minutes later, the unarmed man was shot to death as police pumped more than a hundred rounds into his Hyundai. Four passers-by were wounded in the hail of gunfire and reports say three police officers may also have been injured in ‘friendly fire‘.

Even more startling, police turned their weapons on bystanders, smashing cameras and video phones, and locking several citizens in nylon cuffs. Police also seized the news camera of Channel 10 ABC affiliate, WPLG.

The public wouldn’t have any record of this incident except for Narces Benoit and his girlfriend, Ericka Davis. After they recorded the shootout, a police officer rushed their car, pointing a pistol at their heads, demanding they stop recording and exit their vehicle. Other police aimed weapons at the couple and threw them to the ground. One officer shouted “You want to be ƒ-ing paparazzi?” and smashed their cell phone on the pavement.

Police cuffed and photographed the couple before taking them to headquarters for interrogation. During a moment when police were distracted, Benoit, a car stereo technician, managed to extract the SIMM card from his ruined phone and secret it in his mouth throughout his ‘interview’. That hidden card contained this video. Miami Beach Police now demand Benoit and Davis turn the SIMM card over to them as evidence.

Three days after the fatal shooting, Police Chief Carlos Noriega announced investigators ‘found’ a pistol in the trunk of Herisse’s car, prompting a local radio wag to comment "A spokesman announced they will discover gunshot residue later this week." Video gadfly Carlos Miller agreed, "Perhaps police will find spent shell casings by the weekend."

Subjet 2 Arrest, the Musical

Hard to believe Tom Cruise is still a box office draw, but the guy who killed Mission Impossible’s Mr. Phelps is in Fort Lauderdale filming the musical, Rock of Ages, based upon the 1980’s music scene starring Catherine Zeta-Jones, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, and Mary J. Blige. The film company hired off-duty police as enforcers to ‘protect their privacy’.

Without consulting Lauderdale officials or even a lawyer, police erected barriers and misspelled signs that referenced a non-applicable ordinance, and began writing tickets against photojournalists, even a photographer snapping photos from a public garage. “They’re rewriting the laws as they see fit,” said a photojournalist who asked to remain anonymous.

The Good Guys

We like to think cops are the good guys and Plantation Police proved that when Broward County Deputy Paul Pletcher committed a sort of armed robbery. For reasons which aren’t clear, Pletcher activated his patrol car’s flashers and pulled over two women after giving them the finger, shouting racial slurs, and yelling at them to go back where they came from. Although armed and driving a Pompano Beach patrol car, Pletcher was not on duty.

During the stop, Pletcher noticed one of the women recording him. When he demanded her BlackBerry, she placed it in her purse, and the purse in the center console. Deputy Pletcher locked his forearm across her throat and snatched her purse from the vehicle. When the frightened women followed the officer’s orders to pull into a bank parking lot, Pletcher pulled away with her purse.

After a bank security guard dialed 911, Plantation Police responded. They found the phone broken but were able to download video, confirming the women’s story and the deputy’s identity. Broward State Attorney’s Office is investigating.

Elsewhere Across the Nation

Florida and Illinois are hardly alone.

Albuquerque, New Mexico.  KOB-TV newswoman Cristina Rodda was in the parking lot of the Tumbleweed Club reporting on drug activity. Off-duty officer Stephanie Lopez, in the employ of the nightclub, confiscated the television camera. Instead of turning it into her precinct, which is normally required at end of an officer’s shift, Lopez kept the camera over the weekend, deleting relevant footage. Four weeks later, possibly because of a demand by the club, Lopez filed trespassing charges against the television reporter. (The link requires stepping through two pages to view the article.)

Boston, Massachusetts.  Simon Glik was born in the Soviet Union but, thirsting for freedom, he immigrated to the US and became a Massachusetts-licensed lawyer. He witnessed and videotaped officers roughing up and then arresting a man in that cradle of American independence, Boston Common. Noticing that Glik was recording them, they charged him with disturbing the peace, felony wiretapping, and aiding the escape of a prisoner although the arrestee did not escape and Glik offered no resistance. Glik sued for false arrest and violation of his 1st and 4th Amendment rights. The officers moved to dismiss, arguing ‘qualified immunity’, implying they didn’t know public recording was legal, therefore saying ignorance of the law is an excuse.

Buffalo, New York.  A K9 officer threatened "If you take my picture again, I’m going to ƒ-ing break your face. That’s not as a police officer, but as a person." Except that he wasn’t a ‘person’, but a fully armed police officer in a public plaza.

Las Vegas, Nevada.  In separate incidents, police attempted to halt filming in public locations. Police detained a woman for one hour, less interested in her openly carried pistol and more concerned about her camera as she videotaped a traffic stop from a public sidewalk. Earlier, a Vegas policeman broke the nose and possibly ribs of a videographer in front of his own house, then charged the man with obstruction of justice and battery upon an officer, apparently with his nose. Fortunately, the district attorney realized the facts and dismissed charges. It’s unclear if Officer Derek Colling will be investigated.

Los Angeles, California.  A security guard in a public park across from Union Station ordered professional photographer Neil Kremer not to film. Kremer specializes in high dynamic range imaging, and rather than risk further confrontation, he packed up and departed. Had he bothered to call, it’s entirely possible a police officer might have backed Kremer’s right to film.

SeaTac, Washington.  South of Seattle, a couple reported their car stolen, not realizing their daughter and another girl were joyriding in it. The girls were arrested and taken to SeaTac jail. Perhaps already irritated by the girls’ "real lippy" attitude, 6’2 two-hundred pound Deputy Paul Schene beat the complainant’s daughter in a holding cell after she kicked off her tennis shoes upon his instruction. He kicked her, flung her into the concrete wall, threw her to the floor, and while he and another deputy sat on her, delivered two more "overhand blows" as she was being handcuffed. Attorney Anne Bremner argues the jailhouse video violates Deputy Schene’s privacy and only serves to "inflame public opinion." Schene sought treatment for a "blood filled pocket" at Auburn General Hospital, although video analysis by the Seattle Post-Intelligencer suggests his injury was caused by his shin striking the metal toilet as he shoved the girl into the wall.

Wailuku, Hawaii.  A star-struck police officer struck a star reporter after the news writer was assaulted by Dog the Bounty Hunter‘s wife and Sonny Westbrook. Tommy Russo had left the Maui Times office and crossed the parking lot where he found the Dog’s entourage next to his car. Westbrook snatched Russo’s phone and slammed him in the teeth. When Russo tried to call 911, Beth Mrs. Dog Chapman began yelling, drowning out the call. When MPD officers arrived and Russo began filming again, Officer Nelson Johnson told him he was ‘antagonizing’ and seized Russo’s phone, hit him open-handed in the face, and painfully wrenched his arm behind his back. Johnson claimed Russo’s rights as a member of the press did not supersede his own demands to turn the camera off. Afterwards, Officer Johnson enjoyed a laugh and high five with Dog Chapman and his crew. Fortunately, they forgot about Russo’s video and to date, Chapman has refused to make his own film of the incident available. Funny, isn’t secret filming how he made the leap to television?

West Point, Georgia.  Less clear cut is the situation of 17-year-old Ciara Flemister who tried filming the arrest of her cousin in West Point, a small town as far west in Georgia as you can get and still remain in the state. An officer ordered her to stop filming and when she refused he grabbed her. West Point Police Chief J.K. Cato seems a reasonable fellow and admits his officers used excessive force when officers slammed her face down on the hood of the car and one officer pounded her head with his elbow. What may not be clear is that Ciara wrestled with an officer, knocking off his glasses: A right to record became an assault. Perhaps our very sensible Chief Cato can put out this fire.

Sunshine Laws

I like the spirit of what Florida calls ‘Sunshine Laws’, meaning that public officials and public meetings are supposed to be open to the light of day. It’s not perfectly enforced; I recall Orlando’s mayor ignored the Sunshine Law in his pursuit to tear down a historical building.

But the spirit is there and courts and legislators would serve the public well if they acknowledge that freedoms aren’t solely for people fighting for rights in Yemen, Egypt, Libya, and the Sudan. They need to clarify officials work for the public and the public has the right of accountability. Police and the public aren’t entirely clear regarding their civil liberties. It takes the law to make right what already isn’t.

ADVICE COLUMN?

by John M. Floyd

According to Wikipedia, an advice column is, appropriately enough, “a column in a magazine or newspaper written by an advice columnist (colloquially known in British English as an agony aunt, or agony uncle if the columnist is a male).”

If you regularly visit this blog, you might already know that my columns here don’t usually offer a lot of advice. (No agony nephews or nieces for me.) What they offer, if anything, is probably more of a diversion from the more pressing issues in our daily lives. Some might call that entertainment, and if they do, that’d suit me fine. I do try, though, to include things that might appeal to folks who like to read or write crime fiction, in any of its many forms.

You are but a humble priest, grasshopper

Today I suppose I’m talking more to the writers than the readers (although I’ve found that what interests one group often interests the other as well). What I’d like to do is list a few of the best pieces of writing/marketing advice I have received from fiction authors over the years.

Let me say that another way: If you are among those odd people who choose to regularly put stories on paper, or on the computer screen, with the intention that they will be read and appreciated by others . . . here are some rules that I’ve found important to remember:

A writer’s dozen

1. Write the kind of stories that you like to read. You do not necessarily have to write “what you know.”

2. Start your story with an attention-getter. One way to do that is to start as far along in the story (in the action) as you can.

3. Never sell “all rights” to your work. Most markets acquire “first” or “one-time” rights. Besides, I’ve found that publications demanding all rights will sometimes agree to first rights instead, if that’s requested.

4. Clarity is more important than anything else, in a story.

5. Don’t be afraid to use the word “said.” (“Fancy that,” he ruminated.)

6. Never pay “reading fees.” In fact, don’t ever pay anyone anything to consider or publish your work.

7. Expect rejections, don’t dread them.

8. To come up with story ideas or plot ideas, ask yourself “What if?”

9. Endings must meet only one requirement: they must be satisfying. They don’t always have to be happy, or life-changing, or tie up all the loose ends.

10. The best way to write well is: (1) read a lot and (2) write a lot.

11. Don’t overuse adverbs, adjectives, or exclamation points. Actually, try not to overuse anything in a manuscript.

12. Don’t give up. There’s a lot of attrition among writers — so don’t attrite.

I usually list those points, along with others, in a summary sheet that I give to students in my writing courses, at the end of our final session. It’s sort of an “if you forget everything else you’ve learned, don’t forget this” reminder. Do all of those aspiring writers remember those things, or even keep the sheet? Of course not. But I bet some of them do, and I always feel better for having made the effort.

NOTE: One piece of advice that I didn’t include here, and probably should have, comes from Elmore Leonard’s “ten rules of writing”: Leave out the parts that people skip. That is, of course, easier said than done.

Do you have any pearls of wisdom from other writers, things that might have helped you in your own wordsmithing endeavors?

When the going gets tough . . .

As my CB colleagues and I have pointed out many times, there is – unfortunately — no magic formula, no secret checklist that will make us successful writers. The only thing we can do is keep trying: keep reading, writing, and submitting to editors and publishers.

But advice from the pros never hurts.

PORTMANTEAU MANIFESTO

by Steven Steinbock

Last week, while following on the (high) heels of Melodie’s WORDY column, I mentioned that I found the word “fanzine” to be awkward. As unpleasant-sounding as it might be, at the time I could think of no better alternative.

The term “fanzine” was coined in 1940 within the science fiction world, and has remained primarily in the domains of science fiction, horror, and comic book fans.

Today I have a proposal that will once-and-for-all liberate mystery and crime devotees of this awkward term:

“Fanzine” is a portmanteau. While portmanteau originally meant “suitcase,” Lewis Carroll (who also provided me with the name of my weekly column) gave it a new meaning in Through the Looking Glass when Humpty Dumpty explained the words of “Jabberwocky” to Alice.

Since the word magazine originally meant “storeroom” and the word portmanteau originally meant “suitcase” or “coat-bag,” AND since fanzine is a portmanteau (in the Lewis Carroll sense of being a word invented by slapping together two word fragments), it would be logical to cease using the awkward fanzine and begin calling amateur fan publications portmanteaus.

As of today, by Vorpal decree, any non-commercial periodical journal published by and for mystery enthusiasts and aficionados shall heretofore be referred to as a Portmanteau.

In today’s column I’d like to share a little about the current state of mystery fan publications (i.e. portmanteaus, formerly known as fanzines). Next week I’ll go into a little more detail about the history of mystery portmanteaus, especially the granddaddy of them all, The Armchair Detective.

(Give Me That) Old-Time Detection

When the most recent issue of Old-Time Detection arrived in my box, I was struck by how far it’s come since its launch in 2002, and yet how much it hails back to the early years of The Armchair Detective. Old-Time Detection is the brainchild of Arthur Vidro, a lifelong fan of Ellery Queen, Cornell Woolrich, and many others in between.

There’s a charmingly retro quality to the magazine. The early issues appear to be hand-typed, and printed on one side of high quality parchment paper, with two staples along the left-hand edge. The articles and reviews, written by Vidro or solicited from his friends, addressed all aspects of classic detective fiction – Christie and Allingham, Edgar Wallace, Wilkie Collins, Stuart Palmer, T.S. Stribling and others.

Today the magazine still has a hand-typed appearance. The average page count has doubled, and pages are printed on both sides. The parchment paper is gone, but the magazine has a more professional look to it. The current issue includes four pages of letters, an article by John Curran about Agatha Christie adaptations, a Lord Peter Wimsey pastiche that features an all-star cast of characters, a round-up by Jon Breen of mystery news from thirty years ago, and a history of crime on the theater stage by Marvin Lachman.

You won’t find Old-Time Detection on the web. It remains intentionally traditional. Old-Time Detection is published three times a year, is commercial-free, and subscriptions are $15 per year. If you’re interested, you can contact Arthur at

Old-Time Detection
2 Ellery Street
Claremont, NH 03743

C.A.D.S.

In its recognizable green cover and A4 size, C.A.D.S. has been a mainstay for serious mystery aficionados since it was launched in 1985 by Geoff Bradley. C.A.D.S. stands for Crime and Deteictive Stories. Like Old-Time Detection, it leans toward classic mystery and detective fiction, and because it’s based in the UK, it also tends to have a predisposition toward British authors. While it’s serious and scholarly, and many of its contributors are professional crime writers, it’s very much a fan publication, being commercial free and focused on the love of the genre.

The lead article of the May 2011 issue is “Deposed Kings of the British Golden Age” by Curt Evans, in which he discusses Freeman Wills Crofts, R. Austin Freeman, G.D.H. Cole, and other male authors who have become eclipsed by Christie, Sayers, Allingham, and Marsh. Christine R. Simpson analyses the forensic methods of Lord Peter Wimsey in “Sleuthing with Sayers.” The issue also contains part one of B.A. Pike’s survey of the “Mr. Fortune” stories of H.C. Bailey and Lyn McConchie’s look at Christie’s use of real crime cases in her novels.

Rather than offering subscriptions, Geoff mails out each issue with a request form for the next issue and a request for payment for the current issue. I believe the cost per issue shipped to North America is $15, and is worth every penny. You can contact Geoff at

Geoff Bradley
9 Vicarage Hill
South Benfleet
Essex SS7 1PA
England

or you can email him at geoffcads@aol.com.

Next week: The Armchair Detective.

Meanwhile, your Friday columnist is on a cross country road trip starting today and will be on the road for the better part of a week. See you on the other side.

A STORY TO REMEMBER

Deborah Elliott-Upton

For several years I have been trying to track down a short story I read in either 9th or 10th grade of high school. I couldn’t forget the story of two burglars with the delightful twist ending. I thought I remembered the title of “Clothes Make the Man,” but even my best-read friends didn’t recognize the story I wanted to desperately find and read again. I searched the Internet and assumed I must have the title wrong and I had no idea of the author’s name. If anything humbles a writer, it’s the truth that our words are more important to the reader than remembering who wrote them. It’s my opinion that until you have a huge name recognition, your words better be your best. If you are already a big name out there in the literary world, to keep your reputation, your words still better be your best.

I noticed in our local newspaper last fall that my high school English teacher and her husband were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I sent her a copy of the newspaper clipping and told her how she’d been my favorite teacher. Although it was a long shot, I asked if she remembered the story and where I might find a copy. To my surprise, in yesterday’s inbox I found an e-mail from her. She’d been recuperating from a surgery, but had managed to find the story.

The e-mail in part read: “It was so nice of you to remember me. I tried to send you that short story about Tango entitled “Clothes Make the Man.” The author is Henri Duvernois, and it took me quite a while to locate it! Teachers really teach for the future, and we never really know what our students will remember about our class. Thanks for the “lift”! D’Ann Moutos”

Some teachers really do go the extra mile for their students and it’s for those I am so grateful that Mrs. Moutos was one of mine. I am happy to share the short story with you and hope you love it as much as I always have. Again, thanks to Mrs. Moutos who without knowing it at the time helped me realize my passion for words and how much I wanted to write.

WRITER’S GUIDELINES

by Rob Lopresti

Thank you for considering submitting to our fine publication. Please follow all of the following guidelines. Any stories that do not follow them strictly will be sent to malware designers in Belarus.

• Your story must be submitted electronically. Be sure to include a stamped self-addressed envelope.
• Please submit the story in either WordStar, Valdocs, or WordPerfect format.
• Double space your lines. Do NOT use hard returns after paragraphs. Do NOT use hyphens in place of dashes. DO use dashes in place of hyphens. Indicate italics through the use of underlining. Indicate underlining through the use of bold. We consider how you indicate bold to be a personal matter and really none of our business..
• In your cover letter be certain to mention the awards you have received, any friends you have who review books, and how many relatives you have who buy books.
• In preparing your cover letter remember that the main reason we are asking for submissions is that we like the word “submission.” Feel free to grovel.
• After your story is submitted you will receive a tracking number. It will be 465. Everyone gets 465.
• We are paying for the publication, in part, with a method borrowed from Hollywood: product placement. Special consideration will be given to stories that give favorable mention to Rabson brand locks ™, Heron brand automobiles ™, and Ouchies brand aspirin ™.
• We want your most creative, innovative, from-the-heart ideas. Let your imagination loose! Do not include excessive violence, gratuitous sex, cursewords, political or relation opinions, or mentions of butter, caribou, or Paris Hilton.
• We are purchasing first publication rights, second publication rights, anthology rights, e-publication rights, film rights, video game rights, web-base rights, mineral rights, civil rights, miranda rights, and droit de seigneur.
• Payment is 50 cents per word. (Maximum payment of $7.) Payment will be within six months of publication, if you can find us.
• No simultaneous submissions. No reprints. No green M&Ms.

We look forward to reading your submissions. The deadline has already passed.

JUNE GLOOM

by Melodie Johnson Howe

We have been experiencing what is called June Gloom in California. And if you live along the coast it is June Gloomier. At this time of year the sun does not come out until somewhere between 4:30 pm and 7:00pm if at all. Our days are spent in a thick gray overcast, which can permeate into your brain. Your power of thinking is reduced to two questions, “Am I hot or am I cold?” And your main exercise consists of putting your sweater on and taking it off. June Gloom can start as early as May and hang around until July 5th. This date is important to note because June Gloom doesn’t want us to have a clear view of the July 4th fireworks.

I think of June Gloom as a distressed stripper who wants to entertain and make the boys happy, but can’t. She is just too sad. But I digress.

When I was sixteen and old enough to drive my father’s car, I ‘d pick up my girlfriends Gail and Lenore around 9am and we would drive down to Santa Monica beach. We’d spread our towels on the sand and lie down shivering waiting for the sun to come out. Sometimes if we were lucky the sun would pierce through the gray mass but then quickly disappear again.

We also waited for the hamburger shack to open. I can still remember the smell of those frying burgers and the texture of thick white Wonder Bread buns along with the sharp tang of sliced dill pickles and mustard.

These excursions were freeing. Going to the beach made us feel adult. We were thirty miles from home and out of view of our mothers. Pretending not to notice the lean strong lifeguards (oh, to be saved) we’d run down to the water and scream and giggle as the icy cold waves bit at our toes.

Packing up, we would trudge back to my father’s car and pile in. We’d sit a moment awed by the fact that in June Gloom we got sunburned. Gail and Lenore would turn a golden brown. I would peel and stay the color of wonder bread.

June Gloom never kept us from performing this ritual. We were young and school was out and we wanted to wear our new bathing suits. Besides, we had dreams and could feel our futures waiting for us on the other side of the heavy gray mist. I wanted to be a writer, something I never shared with my friends. Gail wanted to be an actress. And we all knew she would be because she was so good in drama class and she acted like she was a star. Lenore, the good Catholic girl, wanted to get married and raise a family.

Lenore did get married but she also became a computer maven on Wall Street. She didn’t even know what a computer was back then on the beach. None of us did.

I became the actress and eventually a published writer.

Gail died at twenty-five years old. Alone.

I still feel the hope and sadness that June Gloom brings each year.