The DINNER GAME, part 1

by Leigh Lundin

Last month, I wrestled with a character who writes dark poetry, which left me in a spot since I wanted her to read her poetry and it not be too awful. I’m not a poet but I have a lot of respect for the power of poetry and I sought verisimilitude. I asked a couple of teachers I know without result– they said they weren’t qualified to judge anything as, ah, "interesting" as my gems.

Hoping for guidance, I entered the poems in contests that offered feedback. Unfortunately, I am now legally responsible for judges’ psychiatric treatment and am under court order not to visit parts of Texas.

Winning entries were mostly about puppies and balloons and kittens in the rain. My submissions were about… murder, and betrayal, and sadomas– well, never mind.

Rob eventually asked a friend to help me out, but in the meantime, I talked about my dilemma with a friend in an exchange of conversation and messaging. I mentioned wishing I could consult with Edgar Allan Poe. She suggested "the dinner game". It wasn’t a fix, but it was more fun than moaning.

Party of 400

Something about sharing dinner together encourages conversationists to let their hair down and invites a more intimate chat. In the dinner game, you and friends list whom you’d like to have dinner with.

You invent the setting, whether it’s in an Edwardian dining room, a favorite restaurant, or steaks on the grill in your own back yard. Your task is to decide whom and how many to invite.

Two early thoughts were Jesus and Mohammed, who would likely put the rest of us to shame by being fast friends. I decided not to invite them this time in case favorite hardboiled authors crashed the party. You know how they are:

"So I said, Holy crap, what the ƒ–… Oh, Jesus, Mohammed, I’m sorry. Oh, Christ, I mean…"

You see the problem. Mystery writers aren’t Mother Theresa, not that I had any intention of limiting the guest list to writers, let alone crime writers.

In many regards, I’ve already fulfilled part of my dream list. I’ve shared meals with several of my professional colleagues– James, John, Angela, Barry, Melodie, Steve, Dale Andrews, Janet Hutchings and Linda Landrigan. Best of all, James arranged a dinner that included a writer at the top of my guest list, John Lutz.

Lindsey Davis would top of my unfulfilled list followed by Ellis Peters, but it occurs to me I might not invite some of my favorite authors. For example, I devoured Alistair MacLean, but I think I could learn a lot more from Davis. The Prisoner is my candidate for best television drama, but I imagine Leo McKern would make a more interesting dinner companion than my hero, Patrick McGoohan. I’d love to pick McGoohan’s brain, but I suspect he’d be too self-contained. Well, he’s contained in a crematory jar somewhere, but that’s beside the point.

So, following is our dialogue of people to invite:

Dinner Conversation

L:  I asked Rob if he might know anyone to glim a couple of trashy poems.
F:  oh my – what dark and wicked deeds
F:  clever wordplay – what prompted the writing?
L:  For a story. I’d like to get input from a real poet, but the ones I talked to are the "Buttercups in May" variety.
F:  yes, afraid I’m not one
L:  Wish I could talk to Edgar Allen Poe about it.
F:  he’d be the very person
L:  Curse him for dying off so inconveniently!
F:  I have an imaginary dinner table to which over the years I’ve had a succession of folk I’d love to have to dinner
L:  Oh?
F:  you could have Poe at your dinner table – who else would you like to speak to, if you could?
L:  Vivaldi would be on my list.
F:  (smile) for musicians my toss up is between him and Mozart. I have Vivaldi’s Four Seasons somewhere
L:  Hmm… Jesus, Mohammed, too. That means we couldn’t serve pork. Lord Krishna, no bull.
F:  (laughing) – we could, but just have other dishes on offer, fish and loaves
L:  Leonardo da Vinci for sure.
L:  Do you know there is credible belief that da Vinci may have built a glider capable of flying? And it flew?
F:  yes! there was a program on Discovery where they built it and it did
F:  if he could design and imagine the things he did with the knowledge available at the time – imagine what he could do today. I have him on my list as he deserves to see his ideas realized
L:  Da Vinci was on television? He WAS advanced!
F:  you are so sharp you’ll cut yourself!
L:  Alexander might be interesting. Otherwise, I’d invite mathematicians and scientists.
F:  Alexander the Great? and Bucephalus (sp?) his horse – my first intro to him
L:  Yes, but if we invite Caligula and Drusilla, they’ll want to bring their horse, Incitatus.
F:  (laughing) you are wicked!
F:  we have to have folk like them to balance the goodies at the other end
L:  I was thinking of Nero.
F:  naaah – he’ll just fiddle around
L:  Was it Vitellius who followed Nero and Galba? I’d like to ask why they called Spintria ‘asshole’, but I might not want to hear the answer.
F:  I’d like to invite Shakespeare
L:  Oh, yes! He’d be fun.
F:  when I was little Enid Blyton was on my list but things have changed somewhat since then
F:  hopefully Mozart and Vivaldi would play for us
L:  Archimedes and Socrates.
F:  yes – have had both of them on the list over the years
L:  Claudius would bring that slut wife of his. She’d be on her knees before dinner was over.
F:  as long as it isnt in front of you, then she may attend (was going to say ‘come’ but thought better of it)
L:  She’d do her munching under the table.
F:  LEIGH!
F:  (laughing)
F:  she’s not fit to gather the crumbs from beneath my table
L:  Damn, Claudius’ wife is at it again!
F:  here I was worried a lack of sleep may stunt a growing lad!!!
L:  We’d have to invite a couple of the Medici.
F:  yes – all that intrigue and politics
L:  I’d love to invite some of the Spanish inquisitors just so we could refuse to feed them.
F:  some of those popes have a lot to answer for!
L:  Indeed. I’d like to check how cynical Charlemagne might have been.
F:  I’d like Abraham Lincoln to meet William Wilberforce
F:  think Adam and Eve‘s going a bit far back? I want to see what tummies without belly buttons look like
L:  Dickens might be interesting if we could limit his volubility. (Did I spell that right?)
F:  volubility – we could chat him up about Miss Haversham’s missing beau.
F:  Dicken’s verbosity allows us a very detailed insight – may not have been the case had it been ruthlessly stripped
F:  what about some early oriental inventors – clever bunch, that
L:  Good idea. Lo… umm… can’t think of the name. Damn. (Luò Shu)
L:  I like painters and sculptors, but I’m not certain I’d like to dine with them.
F:  no – all that dust and grit in your dinner!
L:  Not to mention lead-based paint.
F:  Michelangelo? (after he’s washed, of course)
F:  and Rodin
L:  I thought of them. I’ve visited several Rodin museums and shows. Took a train to Philadelphia for the express purpose of seeing the Rodin museum. Saw the one in Paris, too.
F:  lucky you!
F:  we’re a bit short of ladies here – need some to balance the seating, if nothing else
L:  Catherine the Great crossed my mind.
F:  yes but she’s be into the men before you could say Jack Knife!
L:  Vicious rumors.
F:  Marie Curie I’d like to meet
L:  Oh, Curie and her husband! Yes!
F:  Pierre C, shame, poor chap was killed in a hit and run if I recall
L:  She’s so transparent.
F:  oh ha de ha ha!
F:  very good!
F:  for transparency we’d need Rontgen, the x-ray fellow
L:  Cleopatra.
F:  what about King Tut – want to know if he was murdered by family as they say
F:  Cleo would be mourning Anthony and clasping asps to her bosom – messy!
F:  wonder if Cleo would arrive rolled up in a carpet as she is reputed to have done for Anthony?
L:  Oh, what’s the Biblical story… it’s on the fringe of my memory, …
F:  how about Noah – who had to clean up the bottom of that ark!
L:  Nah, why he abandoned it on Mount Ararat.
F:  what’s your Biblical story?
L:  Sheesh… there’s an old testament story that I can’t quite piece together about a cross-cultural relationship, but can’t recall it.
F:  would be nice to have Moses around now to part a few seas – Imagine all the treasures lying undiscovered
L:  Ellis Peters if she’s not too recent.
F:  EP? dont know her
F:  hold on -isnt she on one of your lists?
L:  You do. She wrote the Brother Cadfael series.
F:  an author you enjoy
L:  Morgana. No one knows if Morgana was real or not.
F:  must have added to your love of the time
F:  am sure in every myth and legend there are grains of truth
L:  SHEBA! Finally!
F:  yes!
L:  Couldn’t think of her for anything. Josephus‘ story, Solomon and Sheba.
F:  that makes me think of inviting Samson and Delilah
L:  Nah. When he gets drunk, he tears the place apart.
F:  as long as he promised not to bring down the house!
F:  oh, Delilah could cut your locks (grin)
L:  (ouch)
F:  as long as all your great manly strength didnt drain away….
L:  Lewis Carroll
F:  Yes, Mr Dodgson wrote some clever poetry too
L:  Charles Dawson, so we could grill him about Piltdown man. That might spoil the party.
F:  wasnt that a clever ruse!
F:  all that lovely tanin tanned skin perfectly preserved
F:  we could take him aside for a quiet word
L:  Yes, indeed. Interesting how many naysayers were dismissed at the time. The British accused skeptical American and French scientists of being jealous.
F:  wait – think I’m mixing Piltdown man with another found in the bogs
L:  No, Piltdown was a forgery.
F:  took years for the fraud to be uncovered
F:  it was the location dont think P man was tanned in a bog – he was in a quarry or some such
L:  No, you’re right.
F:  the tanned fellow had been strangled if I recall – cord still around his neck – when DNA testing came about seem to recall they traced one of his ancestors living in a nearby village
L:  Piltdown was a quarry. There were a LOT of curiosities including the so-called cricket bat. Even A. Conan Doyle got briefly involved. Rudyard Kipling seems to have made off-hand observations in one or two of his stories.
F:  that’s two more supper guests – Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling
L:  and Mark Twain. Lindsey Davis for certain.
F:  science fiction?
L:  John Brunner might be an interesting guest. He has titles I haven’t read, but definitely him. Early on, he wrote some dreck, so avoid anything with swamp monsters.
F:  I enjoy anything in SF that seems believable – not into weird creatures with ten eyes etc – but rather in artifical intelligence and technology that’s to come
L:  No kidding- Brunner’s books mentioned read like tomorrow’s newspaper.
F:  our dinner guest Mr da Vinci would have enjoyed it
L:  (smile) I’d also vote for Jules Verne, although I might hesitate at H.G.Wells.
F:  yes – JV – 20 000 leagues and all that – I imagined him wanting to go down to see the wreck of the Titanic
F:  after that am thinking about this as a CB column inviting authors – but there is heaps of junk in between
L:  Assuming anyone wades through this.
F:  sorry – junk should read ‘pearls of wisdom’ and erudite discourse
L:  I’m starting a list!
F:  checking it twice

Who would you invite?