MY ANNUAL MERRY NONSECTARIAN WINTER SOLSTICE RETAIL FRENZY FESTIVAL SEASON NEWSLETTER

by James Lincoln Warren

Dear Friends,

It’s been quite a year!

Perhaps the most unusual thing that happened this year was my abduction by aliens, who I am pretty sure rewired my brain. I have no direct evidence for this except for a persistent feeling that they dropped me off on the wrong planet, or at least in an alternative reality. I say this because when I look at the pictures of celebrities on the cover of Parade magazine, included with my newspaper every Sunday, I have absolutely no clue as to who any of these people are, or why I should care about them. I know, some folks say that this is merely a symptom of advancing age, like not knowing how to program a DVR, to which I reply that if I owned a DVR I would certainly know how to program it.

On the other hand, despite a once feverish adoration of new technology, I confess to being one of those Luddites who anachronistically still regard a telephone is an instrument for talking on. I know that’s a function of age; for a few brief months in 2008 I actually owned a BlackBerry, which I hated so much I went back to my now-ancient Motorola Razr, and even disabled the texting function on it. That was well before the aliens got me.

But even so, I strongly suspect that “Dancing With the Stars” and Justin Bieber are the products of a civilization completely unfamiliar to me. (Is this an unwarranted assumption, that they are the products of a civilization? Must ponder.) As far as DWTS is concerned, it’s not the show itself so much as the fact that its progress was reported on TV as Breaking News. It’s like something out of a nightmare about zombies (and this recent cultural flirtation with zombies might itself be a sign). All right, I know that Justin Bieber is just the latest in a succession of teenage heartthrobs going back more than a half-century to such child-men as Ricky Nelson and Frankie Avalon—but I don’t think any of them were nominated for a Grammy. Grammys used to be for actual musicians. How can this be true? Am I really still on Earth?

Why were all the new movies in 3-D? I suspect it has something to do with subliminal psychic manipulation. I mean, how else do you explain the Tea Party movement?

The cats, Emma and Lizzie, have had a reasonably good year and are as loving as ever. I regard this as another clue. Everybody knows that cats are aliens from the Cat Planet. Just look at their eyes. Plus, they are obviously much smarter than people; further evidence of the intercession of a more advanced culture. The final touch, of course, is that they obviously control us. We hairless monkeys clearly exist only to facilitate the feline will.

Margaret has been busier than hell this year, and yes, she’s always been busier than hell—but 2010 was worse than usual, which makes me think that maybe Time Vampires were involved. Even so, I’m almost certain that she’s the same woman I’ve been married to for 25 years—maybe she was abducted with me. The only thing that creates any doubt about it is that she now seems to believe that I’m marginally competent in the kitchen. This is scary, but I have been able to cope.

Next month, I am to be installed as Master of my Masonic Lodge. The Masonic handshakes and secret words don’t seem to have changed, unless they really have been and my memory was accordingly altered by the aliens. Somehow I don’t think so, though. I’m looking forward to my year as Master. This seems far too benign to be the product of aliens bent on the invasion of the Earth.

So maybe aliens weren’t involved at all. It was probably only the 33rd Degree Scottish Rite Masonic Global Conspiracy at work. That’s a comforting thought.

So until next year, amigos, all the best for 2011!

Love and Peace,
Jim