Sunday, March 27: The A.D.D. Detective
CONE of SILENCE
by Leigh Lundin
From the BBC, we learn of the President’s new-fangled SCIF secure communications tent set up in hotels. As dedicated writers of political intrigue, we jumped on the opportunity to update our latest thriller with this knowledge. We soon learned the President discovered a few problems during his visit to Brazil.
| H | : | Mr. President, our sources tell us Muammar may seek sanctuary. |
| B | : | Good work, Hillary. If Gaddafi thinks … |
| M | : | Hello? |
| B | : | … he can waltz out of Libya, then he … |
| M | : | Hello? Olá? |
| B | : | Who’s that? |
| M | : | Housekeeping. Don’t mind me. I’ll tidy up while you boys play in your tent. |
| B | : | We don’t play … |
| H | : | Mr. President? What’s going on? |
| B | : | … in tents. |
| H | : | What’s intense? |
| B | : | Don’t touch the flap. |
| H | : | Which flap? Domestic or international? |
| B | : | International domestic. It’s the hotel maid. |
| H | : | The hotel made what? |
| M | : | Just what you boys doin’ in there? |
| B | : | Making a private phone call. |
| M | : | Don’ blame you. You phone pizza next door, hotel charges a dollar and half. |
| B | : | We’re not ordering pizza. Anyway, Hillary, some idiot will offer asylum. |
| M | : | Don’ go talkin’ ’bout an idiot asylum. That ain’t nice. |
| B | : | Not us, Gaddafi aides. |
| M | : | That’s not polite either. You boys play nice. |
| H | : | What’s that noise? It sounds like… calypso? |
| M | : | Day-o… Day-o… |
| B | : | It’s the maid. She’s, er, humming. |
| M | : | Daylight come and me wan’ go home. |
| B | : | You can’t come home. After Tripoli, it’s on to Cairo and then Damascus. |
| M | : | Come Mr. tally man … |
| H | : | Gaddafi doesn’t want the Taliban any more than we do. |
| M | : | … an’ tally me banana. |
| H | : | Who’s bananas? |
| B | : | Gaddafi can’t believe we called his bluff. |
| M | : | Work all night on a drink of rum. |
| H | : | It’s a rum situation. I could use a stiff drink about now. How many days have I been on the road? |
| M | : | Six hand, seven hand, eight hand, bunch! |
| B | : | A bunch I think. |
| H | : | How do we get Gaddafi out of power without a military engagement? |
| M | : | Beautiful bunch of ripe banana, hide the deadly black tarantula. |
| B | : | I’m getting an idea. Important, Hillary, tell Bahrain… |
| M | : | WHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR……… |
| H | : | I can’t hear you. What’s that noise? |
| B | : | The maid’s running the vacuum cleaner, I can’t hear you. |
| M | : | Daylight come and me wan’ go home. Yoo-hoo, you wan’ mints? |
| B | : | Er, no, thank you. |
| M | : | You watch Maxwell Smart? No? I don’ t’ink so. |
SCIF (“Special Compartmented Information Facility”) is a decades-old military term, not trademarked, referring to specific security requirements for command and control centers, mobile or otherwise—the Marines have been putting them in tents for generations, although the only SCIFs I ever worked in were usually in buildings, except for one in Japan that was inside a mountain.
In English, “Brazil” is spelled with a Z and not an S, but I sympathize if you didn’t want your column to be the source of Z’s like so many of mine.
Z is one of the greatest intrigue films ever!
Thanks for clarifying SCIF. Do we get to hear the story about the mountain in Japan?
M: Me? I’m sweeping the room for bugs wit’ my Special Cleaning Instrument 500.
Good pitch. Intents writing from a guy who knows the ropes.
‘Nuff now before my CB membership is revoked.
(grin)
Very funny Leigh! Except now I’m hungry for a Tripoi banana ice cream cone with Brazil nuts! Hmmmm…
Ah, the Cone of Silence. I remember watching that show And Loving It. Sometimes I Missed It By That Much. Would You Believe by THAT much? If only Mel Brooks and Buck Henry had used their show For Niceness Instead Of Evil. But this is Criminal Brief. We Do Not QUOTE Here.
Sorry About That, Chief.
Do we get to hear the story about the mountain in Japan?
No.
James, it’s not like you don’t have a full plate and been sworn to secrecy in a SCIF.
(grin) ABA, the CB membership committee will secretly hear your case in our SCIF Cone of Silence– or not hear it as the case might be.
Cindy, that’s not fair. I haven’t had lunch yet and now I know what I want. Darn, that seems like a good combination.
True, Rob. Smart is the show that keeps on giving.
Funny column. And I’ve always loved The Banana Boat Song. This version is delightful.
Terrie
Thanks, Terrie! Belafonte and the Muppets had way too much fun, didn’t they!
Believe it or not the CIA (I think!) was experimenting with a real-life version of The Cone of Silence when Get Smart first came on the air!