BEAT COP
or
So, here’s a new thought about long story titles

by Rob Lopresti

Recently I read a story by Peter Turnbull in the March/April issue of EQMM. The title is “The Man Who Took his Hat Off to the Driver of the Train.” It was an interesting piece but I’m mostly concerned with the title. There are two things to notice about it.

One, and this probably occurred to you already, is that it is very long. The other is less obvious, although I’m sure that at least John, our poet in residence, has already spotted. For anyone who hasn’t, let me rewrite the title.

The MAN who took his HAT off to the DRIVer of the TRAIN.

It scans. It is basically three paeonic feet, with one extra syllable each at the beginning and the end (and you will be relieved to know that’s the last time I will throw that type of jargon at you). You can even make an argument that the rhythm sounds like a train, or at least the sound of an old-fashioned choo-choo that people my age carry in our heads.

But I would like to argue that if you are dreaming up a title of more than, say, six syllables, you might want to ask yourself: does it scan? Which means: does it sound well? Does it roll off the tongue? Let’s take a few examples out for a test drive.

Sing a song of murder

First of all, there is a category of titles that tend to scan pretty well because they are, or are based on, lines from songs or poems. Here are a few:

At Some Disputed Barricade — Anne Perry

The Mirror Crack’d From Side to Side — Agatha Christie

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy — John LeCarre

When the Sacred Ginmill Closes — Lawrence Block

It don’t mean a thing if it don’t got that swing

Here are some titles that, to my ear, scan well. Keep in mind, an extra syllable or end at the beginning doesn’t count.

The Ape That Guards The Balance — Elizabeth Peters

The Cat Who Went Into The Closet — Lilian Jackson Braun

The Defection of A.J. LeWinter — Robert Littell

Don’t Turn Your Back On The Ocean — Janet Dawson

A Drink Before The War — Dennis Lehane

Harvard Has A Homicide — Timothy Fuller

I Know a Trick Worth Two of That — Samuel Holt

Inspector Ghote Hunts The Peacock — H.R.F. Keating

Miss Zukas and the Stroke of Death — Jo Dereske

Murder at Five Finger Light — Sue Henry

Murder on the Orient Express — Agatha Christie

Sunday the Rabbi Stayed Home — Harry Kemelman

Time For the Death of a King — Ann Dukthas

The Tragedy at Tiverton — Raymond Paul

Don’t got that swing

And here are some examples of what I am suggesting you avoid.

The Assassination of Mozart — David Weiss

Death in the Fifth Position — Edgar Box

In the Electric Mist with Confederate Dead — James Lee Burke

Murder at the Museum of Natural History — Michael Jahn

Saturday the Rabbi Went Hungry — Harry Kemelman

The Snake, the Crocodile, and the Dog — Elizabeth Peters

And so, all you authors out there, I have provided you a brand new thing to worry about. You’re welcome.