MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACK

by James Lincoln Warren

September’s here, and you all know what that means, sports fans: college rivalries.

Los Angeles is home to one of the most epic of these rivalries. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the Warren College of Liberal Arts (WCLA) Ruins versus the Warren Scientific College (WSC) Geeks.

“It’s all about moving the plot forward,” says WCLA quarterback Pen Wholesome. “That might mean taking some time to let the character develop when you need to, but the guys on this team all know what’s expected of them and we’re ready for it. We’ve got the best offensive and defensive lines you can write.”

“Those guys across town couldn’t spell DNA with a dictionary of abbreviations,” says Joe Don Booby, a contender for this year’s Heisenberg Trophy (although this is uncertain on principle) and WSC’s quarterback. “Nobody can mount a hard drive like we can. We’ve got the power. We’ve got the attention to detail. We’ve got the accurate forensics analysis. It’s all about pinpoint accuracy and laser-sharp delivery.”

Wholesome disagrees. “Of course WSC is proud of their record. They’ve got every right to be. But we think that the story is a whole lot more about heart and passion than it is about clever twists and turns.”

Both teams have their sites set on the Nose Bowl in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. [Editor’s note: Named after the Tournament of Noses, so-called because the word sleuth is a literal synonym for bloodhound, hence its application as a term for fictional detectives.] But before they get there, they will face one another on December 1st for Fact 10 Conference honors.

The other universities in the conference are Washingtub, Washingtub State, Oregano, Oregano State, the University of Calpurnia (“Gal” for short), Blandford, Aridzona, and Aridzona State. They all have their own local rivalries, but these pale before the passion exhibited by WCLA/WSC partisans.

“I’ve got one word for WCLA,” Booby says: “Prove it.”

Booby speaks with great intensity on getting the details right. “Show me the evidence. You’re not getting anywhere with the fans unless you’ve got what it takes–I’m talkin’ physical here. And that means you’ve got to know what you’re doing and make the fans believe. And how do you do that? Verisimilitude. That means every element has to be backed up by facts, or you’re out of downs and back against your own goal line.”

“That’s so sad,” replies Wholesome, shaking his head. “He doesn’t get it. Credibility is about instilling faith, and that goes beyond merely piling up the physical evidence. It has to do with capturing the fans’ hearts. Edgar Allan Poe’s first mystery was about an orangutan trained to murder women in urban upper story apartments. Now let’s face it, we know that you can’t train an orangutan to murder women in urban upper story apartments. But Poe makes you believe, because Auguste Dupin makes you believe. Character drives everything.”

“Well, character’s not going to drive WCLA to the Nose Bowl,” says Booby. “The faster you get the plays off, the quicker you’re going to march to the end zone. That’s what makes it exciting. Fans are more sophisticated these days. Slow is boring. They want the real deal.”

The debate has been going on for years, and both young men espouse the long traditions of their respective institutions with characteristic zeal. But analysts say that there are hidden weaknesses in both approaches.

“Character development can only get you so far,” says one expert. “You’ve only got so much time to move the ball, and if you concentrate too much on it to the detriment of getting points on the board, you wind up wandering all over the field. That’s what makes backstory so deadly. Who cares about depth if you can’t deliver the goods? Sooner or later you’ve got to have something real to hang your hat on, especially in this business.”

“Too much attention to evidentiary components risks confusing and alienating the fans,” says another. “They have to care about who’s on the field. They want to see their team win. Take computer crime stories. Do the readers really care about every technical aspect of how a computer works? Hell, no. They’re more interested in why Colonel Mustard’s in the library with the wrench.”

“Ideally, you have to have it all,” says a third. “In the end, it’s not about style, homework, or how you play the game. It’s really all about something a lot bigger–it’s about the game itself.”

Both teams have kicked off their campaigns with impressive if predictable wins, WCLA against Blandford and WSC versus the University of Potato. Only time will tell which one will bring home the ultimate victory. It should be an interesting season.