An ADD SUNDAY

by Leigh Lundin

"Craig's decision to stay in the Senate means exposing himself to a full Ethics Committee investigation into his conduct."

This quotation from the Idaho Statesman came to my attention through writer Michael Murphy. Writers enjoy catching unintended witticisms and of course Jay Leno has made a regular segment out of his Headlines containing misquotes, misprints, and malapropisms.

For the millions of people who’ve never visited Idaho, it’s more than potatoes and in-your-face senators. It’s an astonishing beautiful state that would as soon remain secluded and off the national scene, particularly under these circumstances.

This is an ADD day for me. I want to edit works in progress. I need to take care of bills and paperwork. I must produce a column for today. It’s tricky when a writer is pulled in so many directions at once.

The columns take work, some weeks more work than others, although most of the burden falls on James. When he gets cranky, it’s because he’s a hell of a nice guy who works to make things right and, with my elite colleagues, made Criminal Brief one of the top mystery blogs in a criminally brief span of time.

John Steinbeck said “The profession of book writing makes horse riding seem like a solid, stable business.” I’ve only just penetrated the egg of publishing, but once inside, I can see how fragmented and frenetic an author’s life and career can be.

I consider writing about Florida again, an endless source of insane anecdotes and crooked political capers. Stadiums no longer allow you to bring your own water. Our local University of Central Florida deliberately built its new multi-million dollar stadium without drinking fountains. UCF thought they would reap a considerable profit selling bottled water, but unfortunately they provided only a fourth of what was needed in the Orlando heat, causing several attendees to be hospitalized. Try spelling Evian backwards.

Word games …

I’m trying to work, trying to find serious quotations to write about, but my mind wants to play.

If lazy writers turn a noun like “party” into a verb, do we call that verbing? Or verbifying? “Yep, Chuck, let’s verb that noun.”

Is there another word for synonym?

I receive many eMails with office funnies in them, only a few actually humorous:

If a parsley farmer is sued, can his wages be garnished?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is atheism a non-prophet organization?

Writers love to play with words.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

Do police warn mimes they have the right to remain silent? When a mime swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Perhaps writers aren’t far apart from children, because kids love word play.

Third graders think its funny that the butcher who sat down in his grinder got behind in his work. They call it a disaster. Kids ask why hemorrhoids shouldn’t be called asteroids. They wonder if jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans.

I continue digging through eMails.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (I could guess it has something to do with the wheelchair access in the mountain climbing way station.)

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can you buy an entire chess set in pawn shop?

This one appeals to the Far Side geek in me:

Does killing time damage eternity?

It’s nearly midnight and I still have a column to write …