Saturday, September 13: Mississippi Mud
SIGN LANGUAGE
by John M. Floyd
Last weekend I did a bit of work and play, at the same time: a Saturday afternoon booksigning, about 120 miles northeast of the town where I live. (As some of you know, my latest book — a second collection of mystery/suspense short stories — will be “officially” released on October 8th, but my publisher has me doing a few out-of-town signings beforehand.)
Technically, I suppose Saturday’s event was work, but it was fun too, mainly because the signing was at the Barnes & Noble at Mississippi State University. Not only did I graduate there, but all three of our children did also. (I feel sure I must have personally financed most of the buildings and improvements on campus over the past fifteen years.) During my afternoon there I ran into a lot of folks from my past — an old IBM colleague, several classmates
from college, a lady who taught both our sons and our daughter in high school, a guy whose kids played soccer with ours years ago, and two people who knew my wife. The store was especially crowded that day because it’s near the football stadium, and MSU’s first home game was played there Saturday night.
The point of all this, though, is that while I was driving home after the signing I found myself thinking about some of the things my prospective customers said to me there in the campus bookstore between noon and five that afternoon. You really do get to meet a lot of different kind of folks at an event like this, and — as writers out there already know — you also get almost every kind of question and comment you can imagine.
Here are a few that I recalled, and jotted down. (All of this, by the way, is true.)
How long did it take you to write this book?These are short stories. Don’t you have any novels?
Do you know John Grisham?
I think I’ll wait and get it at the library. I’m “economy-conscious.”
I’d like to write something too, you know, but I just don’t have the time.
What did you think of Sarah Palin’s speech the other night?
Can you point me to the Civil War section?
I’ve written a great short story about my grandmother. Think your publisher would be interested?
No offense, but I read mysteries all the time, and I never heard of you.
Did you happen to see my wife go past here? She’s brunette and skinny and about this tall . . .
Sorry. I don’t read. I just came in to buy a T-shirt.
Are you famous?
Oh, this is fiction? I only read biographies.
Are there any bad words in here?
I’d buy one, but I parked a mile away, and I don’t want to take it with me to the ballgame.
Where do you get your ideas?
Mind if I use your chair for a minute? I’m pooped.
When does it come out in paperback?
Is this your real name, or a pseudo name?
I’ve been thinking of writing a book myself — I could use the extra money.
Whoa. Looks like I mighta broke your sign, here.
Would you mind reading my novel? I’ve got the manuscript out in my car.
Will you back again next Saturday?
These are free, right?
As I mentioned, the above is a list of the things I remembered, for obvious reasons — but I must add that I also received a great many kind remarks, some of them from people who (economy-conscious or not) chose to buy my book.
Those folks — and their friendly smiles — are what makes it fun instead of work.
>”Are there any bad words in here?”
“You mean in the book or in my mind at this moment?”
>”These are free, right?”
“Sure. Here, help yourself to this little security thingie as a bookmark.”
Gosh, and I thought you were really famous. Didn’t know you went to Mississippi A & M! Where is that cow bell? So sad! So, how long did it take you to write those stories? Don’t you just love those questions? I especially loved the one who thought he broke your sign. Did he? Great column, John. Oh, and HOTTY TODDY!
My all time favorite story of a question at a signing was the woman who asked Tony Hillerman why he changed the name of his Navaho cop from Leaphorn to Chee. That was what inspired him to start having the two cops work together, so dim readers could tell them apart.
I must tell you, even the comments that sounded silly and frustrating came from really nice folks, and I had a great time that day. And yes, Carole, like most State alumni I do still have my cowbell (the explanation of that tradition would be too long to go into here) — and yes, during one of the really crowded times one guy did knock over the sign the bookstore had put on my table.
As for my being famous, I can only say that my mother, who of course realizes I’m not, remains convinced that I should be.
You are a patient, understanding man, John. I always feel the urge to kill when someone says, “I’d write something, too, if I had the time.”
I also bristle when someone says, “Where do you get your ideas” as if there is a site on the Internet just full of them so all you do is call it up whenever you sit down to write.
I think it was Dame Agatha who said she was always tempted to answer that question by explaining that she subscribedto a magazine called “Ideas For Writers.” You just picked the ones you liked and claimed them. However, she explained, you had to have at least two novels published before you could subscribe. Ah well.
Dick, my favorite line (although I didn’t hear this one other day) is “I have this great idea for a story. How about you write it, and we’ll split the profits?” I usually just say, “Tell you what, why don’t you just write it yourself, and keep it all?”
Most folks honestly do seem to think writing is as easy as falling off a log. I wish . . .
Actually I’m kind of proud of how many of their actual questions I captured in my list: https://criminalbrief.com/?p=1842
Rob, I’d forgotten about those! My bad — That’ll teach me to go back and reread my colleagues’ recent columns before starting another one.
It really is funny how often the same questions/comments, or slight variations, always come up. And I agree, you do get tired of them after a while.
Speaking of comments, John, I finally got to read your story (“Debbie And Bernie And Belle”) in the June/Sept. issue of The Strand Magazine. Loved it! It made me think of O. Henry, what with the separated lovers, the gentle crime, the twist ending and (Oh, Yeah!) the fact that it was a damn good read!!