ELECTORAL CHARACTER STUDIES

by Rob Lopresti

It is my fond hope that by the time you read this we will know who the next president will be. As I write this the suspense is killing me.

I spent the afternoon at my party’s county headquarters, phone banking for the Candidate Of My Choice. I have also done doorbelling. Either way it amounts to intruding my personal opinion on people I don’t know (or sometimes people I DO know, and that can be even worse). It is way outside my comfort zone. But hey, tell Washington’s soldiers at Morristown that democracy is supposed to be comfortable. (The winter the soldiers spent in NJ was much worse than the one at Valley Forge the Pennsylvania wimps complained about.)

I sit at an old computer screen with a cheap headset around my ears. (They had a nicer one, very slick, but unfortunately it didn’t work, so back to the antique.) I click on the screen and the computer dials a phone number. I have the names of the house’s residents in front of me and if someone answers I go into my prepared script. Hi, I’m calling from the Really Nice Party and I want to make sure you received your ballot in the mail. Remember there are no polling places in our county this year, so you have to put your ballot in the mail by election day to have your voice heard. May I ask if you are going to vote for The Perfect Candidates?

Except that most of the phone calls don’t get that far because I meet up with an answering machine, and have to go into a different script. But if a breathing hunk of humanity picks up the phone then I, as a writer, get a free lesson in character development. The way I figure it, the person at the other end has a few seconds to tell me about him or herself, while we are discussing something else. Often I hear bits and pieces that could make their way into fiction.

On being funny

One woman interrupted my well-polished spiel. “You’re funny! You really dialed the wrong house. I’m completely against your candidate!”

At least I had made her day. My wife, who was on the next phone over, had several people hang up on her without even bothering to laugh.

Organized labor

One woman enthusiastically reported that she had already sent in her ballot, marked for my candidates. Following the script, I asked if she was interested in volunteering.

She laughed. “I’m having a baby in two weeks.”

“You’re excused,” I told her.

Alternate suggestion

Since I obviously don’t intend to identify parties here (if you want a political blog I’ll bet you can find one), I will modify this conversation slightly. I asked a gentleman if he intended to vote for the Nice Candidate.

“You know what would be nice?” he replied, obviously relishing the moment. “If your candidate dropped out!”

“I doubt that will happen,” I said, “but thanks for your input. “

Dramatic suspense

“Is Fred there?” I asked the teenage voice that answered.

“Yeah. Hold on. Dad? Dad?” Farther from the phone. “Hey, Dad?”

Pause. Even farther away. “Dad, it’s the phone. I don’t know who. It’s over here. “

Long pause.

Crud, I thought. I’m pulling this guy away from rebuilding a car or making chicken cordon bleu or something. He’s gonna vote against our side just for spite.

Finally Dad arrives and I give him my spiel.

“I’m voting your way,” he assured me, unperturbed by being disturbed.

Don’t. Call. Back.

Not everyone is so pleasant. I got a lot of “You people call every day. Stop it!” Made me wonder whether the geniuses at HQ are sure our calls are doing the cause more harm than good. Maybe we are basically doing busy work to make ourselves feel better while we wait for the TV ads, overpaid pundits, and web-based rumors to do the real convincing.

My memory is that in the last election cycle the Other Party put out robo-calls in some states that sounded like they were from Our Side, unless you listened all the way through. Then they had those calls dial the same people over and over, until they were ready to vote against the caller unto the seventh generation. Now there’s a crime story waiting to be written.

Writing from before the election, I wish all of us a clean fight and a speedy outcome. And may the best man win, by which, of course, I mean mine.