Wednesday, December 5: Tune It or Die!
COLD CALL
by Rob Lopresti
Hello?
Hello. This is Namehere Publisher Service. We’re calling on behalf of Your Favorite Magazine.
No, you’re not.
It’s time to renew —Excuse me?
I said you don’t work for the magazine. You got hold of their mailing list somehow, probably illegally, and now you’re calling up their subscribers, trying to get them to pay their renewal directly to you.
Sir, that’s not what we do. We’ve been in business for—
There’s a notice in the magazine warning people against businesses like you. Couldn’t you get an honest job, washing dishes or something?
I assure you that we work for the magazine—
I know the editor. Are you calling her a liar?
The publisher doesn’t tell the editor everything he does. And he signed the contract with us.
Tomorrow I’ll call the editor and tell her all about you.
Oh yeah? Well, I know the publisher. And I’m going to tell him to cancel your subscription because you’re so belligerent!
Do you expect me to believe that?
There’s no reason to yell at me, sir.
I’m sorry. No, I’m not. You’re trying to steal from friends of mine. Why shouldn’t I yell at you?
I assure you sir, this is an old and established company–
Great. Give me the phone number there and I’ll have the editor call you back.
We’re not set up to receive calls.
Sounds very old and established to me. Tell you what, I’ve got a copy of the magazine here. Just on the off-chance that you have been fooled by your boss and believe what you’re saying, I’ll give you the phone number of their subscription office and you can call and check for yourself. The number is — Hello? Hello?
Unfortunately, this is a sign of the times. I received a phone call yesterday from an unknown number and name (according to my Caller I.D.) yet, when I answered it, the man said he was from AT&T and wanted to talk to me about my Internet connection. It was obvious he was not from AT&T or he’d know exactly what kind of connection I already had. I listened to him about 30 seconds before I said, “We’re on a No Call list.” “Huh?” he stammered. I hung up. I don’t know how those people sleep at night.
Lucky for me I let my machine get all the calls. It’s getting old and I should replace it, but it doesn’t record the first couple of seconds of the robocalls. But if someone asks for personal info (bank acct. #’s, ect.) on the phone, don’t give it. Reputable organizations won’t do this. (Neither will reputable telemarketers!)
This was compiled from several real phone calls. I also get phony renewal letters for magazines I subscribe too. Sigh…
Changing gears, I have a short-story called “Lost and Found” making its way through the slushpiles, inspired by some of the robocalls I’ve gotten. It’s told in the form of calls on an answering machine. It is fantasy, not mystery (although somebody DOES get in trouble!!!)
Best,
Jeff