Monday, December 17: The Scribbler
Some time ago, I was interviewed by the inimitable Elaine Flinn for her erstwhile column on Murderati, “On the Bubble”. In the interest of posterity, and also because I couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to pontificate about this week (as hard as that may be to believe), I reproduce that interview here, together with some amplifying notes.
ON THE BUBBLE WITH JAMES LINCOLN WARREN
JLW interviewed by Elaine Flinn
(1) It is well known you are an incredible repository of arcane knowledge, but did you really find it amusing to inform Wikipedia of their many errors?
Not half as much as I enjoyed showing off at Trivial Pursuit back in the 80’s, because then I had an admiring audience, that is, when they weren’t throwing things at me for being an overbearing snot. In particular, there was one question, “How many Queens of England have there been named Elizabeth?” The answer on the card was three: Elizabeth I, Elizabeth II, and Elizabeth the Queen Mum. This is wrong. The correct answer is five: Elizabeth Woodville, Queen under Edward IV; Elizabeth of York, Edward IV’s daughter and wife of Henry VII; and the three aforementioned.
(2) As one of the few renaissance men in the mystery world, what historical figure do you most identify with?
The medieval explorer Sir John Mandeville, one of the most spectacular frauds in history, and chronicler of the reign of Prester John—did you know that Marco Polo went looking for Prester John because of Mandeville, but wound up discovering pasta instead? True. 1 Or speaking of pasta, maybe Gioacchino Rossini, the very fat composer who gave up music so he could cook and eat all the time. There was a man with his priorities straight—not enough writers truly value the act of eating, even when they’re sober. And then there’s Archimedes, who jumped out of his bath and ran screaming naked through the streets of Syracuse just because he had a good idea. I think most of us scribblers can relate.
(3) It’s common knowledge around Mysteryville that you are an accomplished classical guitarist. So is it true you once walked out of a Santana concert because his rendition of Malagueña Salarosa was not the way you’d taught him to play it?
A base canard. We had a misunderstanding about which one of us should be dating Nichelle Nichols (Lt. Uhura of “Star Trek” fame)2, and somehow this stupid rumor got started because folks noticed that Carlos and I weren’t speaking. Hey, look, I play classical guitar. Malagueña is flamenco.
(4) Which words or phrases do you most over use? Other than WTF, okay?
“I writhe at your feet in a frenzy of self-abasement.” How can you go wrong with Noel Coward?
(5) Rumors are rife that your exclusive organization — PHARTS — (membership open to only the most soigné) — is really a recruiting ground for a subversive committee to kidnap Jon Jordon and force him to read and review The Da Vinci Code. These are serious murmurings, JLW, and I’m offering you a public forum to answer.
I am not at liberty to discuss any of the phases PHARTS intends to initiate as part of our program for overthrowing the world’s governments and assuming global dominion. But there are teensy-weensy PHARTish symbols on the back of the dollar bill, and that should give you some warning.
(6) My spies have reported that your plans to take a production of “The Full Monty” to Bouchercon this year is on the back burner now that Paul Guyot has dropped out. I mean, this stellar production has legs. Have you found a replacement yet? And who’s in the cast?
Nothing could replace Paul. I mean it. Nothing is the absolute perfect replacement for Paul. The biggest problem I’m having with casting is that all my friends at mystery conventions, quite naturally, are sublimely attractive women and no matter how hard I try to convince them otherwise, none of them want to play skanky male strippers.
(7) While you are probably one of the finest short story writes around, the rumblings from your legion of fans grow stronger each day as they await a real book. When do you see this happening?
Sadist.
(8) Your lovely wife, Margaret (oh, but she is a long suffering soul!) whispered in my ear that you no longer advise the script writers on “Deadwood”. Can this really be true?
Yes, because I thought all this time that the show was called Wormwood and chronicled psychotic episodes subsequent to the immoderate imbibing of absinthe, something for which I am naturally qualified, at least for the psychotic episode part. Then I learned it wasn’t. Can you believe it, Ian McShane doesn’t even play Lovejoy in it? I mean, what’s that all about? All right, so he’s too old now, but still. I was so embarrassed when I found out, I can’t tell you.
(9) What about the buzzing going round that you passed on the opportunity to replace Scott McClellan as press secretary? 3 Was this because you felt you owed your fans your total commitment?
I actually auditioned, but it didn’t work out. I couldn’t keep a straight face. And they didn’t like it when I mooned the President much, either, but I had to do my duty the way I saw it.
(10) There are murmurings on the Coconut Vine that you have discovered the revered ancient Polynesian chants are actually Lemurian and this unprecedented find will be documented by National Geographic. Is this true, and if so, when might we see this epic?
It’s actually more sensational than that. I discovered that Maori war cries are actually Sumerian corruptions of the dialogue from eighteenth century French sex farces translated into Yodish, which is a lot like Yiddish, except that at the end of the sentences the verbs you put. We had a sponsor, but the Depends people pulled out, so now we’re looking at maybe Ensure or Polygrip to help out.
(11) And will this spectacular discovery prevent you from penning your mesmerizing short stories? Tell us this is not true!
Only if I get a thirteen episode deal.4
(12) Let’s get serious now. Which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next Bouchercon?
John Mortimer.
(13) Who, JLW, would be on your ideal panel?
It depends on the subject. If it were short stories, I’d like Ed Hoch, Mat Coward, Jeffery Deaver, and Joyce Carol Oates. 5 If it were historicals, I’d like Lynda Robinson, Charles and Caroline Todd, Edward Marston, Ross King (author of the fabulous novel,Ex-Libris, not the KTLA Channel 5 entertainment reporter, who is an embarrassment to Scots the world over), and Leslie Silbert, whose second book I am eagerly awaiting. If it were about PI fiction, I’d like Bill Pronzini, Robert Crais, Sue Grafton, and John Shannon.
(14) And who, if I may be so bold to ask, would you dearly love to tour with?
Any one of my main crime fic buds: Paul Guyot, Scott Phillips, or Charles Todd.
(15) Last, but not least, tell us why you turned down Dan Brown’s plea to ghost for his next book.
Because if Langdon really were a professor of religious symbols, he’d be a professor of semiotics, not “symbology”. I could not bring myself to violate my oath as a Word Cop.
P.S. I have redesigned the Criminal Brief banner and background tiles. Comments concerning same are welcome; if the original designs are preferred, they will be restored. –JLW
- Actually, the story that Marco Polo brought pasta to Italy from China is false. Polo didn’t get back to Italy until 1295, and there are Italian inventories including pasta as early as 1279. But what the hell. Also, The Travels of Sir John Mandeville wasn’t published until the second half of the fourteenth century, some thirty years after Marco Polo’s death. [↩]
- I actually did once kiss Nichelle Nichols on the lips, or more accurately, she kissed me, after she and I performed George and Ira Gershwin’s “Summertime” at a Star Trek convention in San Antonio in 1977. [↩]
- I will only point out that not only am I much smarter and prettier than Dana Perino, but have also actually heard of the Cuban Missile Crisis. [↩]
- Of course, this was before the WGA strike. [↩]
- This was before Criminal Brief, folks. Today, I would choose Robert Lopresti, Melodie Johnson Howe, Leigh Lundin, Steve Steinbock, Deborah Elliott-Upton, and the Zemans. [↩]
I like the redesign, James. Not that there was anything wrong witht he old one but a change is nice.
I like the new look, but I had no problem with the old one either. I do find it hilarious that you chose Joyce Carol Oates for the panel when you lambasted her as my choice of a short story writer in a previous article. You are so funny.
You shouldn’t find that funny. My opinion of her certainly doesn’t make her less important a writer, and I’m nothing if not fair. I think she would be great on a panel, if only because there might likely be a very lively discussion. In any case, I did not lambast your choice — I lambasted Joyce Carol Oates, which is not quite the same thing.
I am cut to the quick, whatever that means, to see that you did not list me as your favorite writer of short stories. Despite that unbelievable oversight, I have to say your sense of the ironic and the ridiculous is so similar to mine that a face to face meeting would undoubtedly end in fisticuffs.