DEPARTMENT OF ODD SOCKS IV –

by Rob Lopresti

The Christmas season is coming and my friend Peter Berryman has an early present for you. Peter co-writes with Lou Berryman (no relation) some of the world’s funniest songs. But this month his website features a complete rewrite of America’s most famous Christmas poem. Same stanza form, same rhyme scheme, but all new words. As if it were being translated from English to English. If nothing else it proves that there a whole lot of synonyms in English. Bring it to the office party and amaze people. Here’s the first stanza:

Twas the dusk pre the yuletide, as ’round the pad whole,
Not a varmint was twitching, including the vole
The tubesocks were dangled by hearth quite secure
Assuming that Santa would pop in for sure

Old, cold, and uncontrolled

It seems to be a sacred belief of television networks around the world that any police unit investigating old unsolved cases must me run by a woman, and she must be blond.

It started in Canada in 1998 with CTV’s Cold Squad. CBS premiered Cold Case in 2003. But my favorite is Great Britain’s New Tricks, which began on BBC in 2003.

The difference between New Tricks and the others is that most of the characters are retired cops, brought back as special consultants to work on old, unsolved cases. The only real working officer is Superintend- ent Sandra Pullman (the inevitably blond Amanda Redman), who fell off the fast track to promotion when she shot a dog during an arrest.

Finding her ambitions thwarted Pullman puts together a trio of survivors of what is seen as a corrupt era of British coppering. Her former boss Jack is a straight arrow who discusses each case with his wife, who is buried (apparently legally) in his back garden. Gerry is what the British might call “a bit of a lad,” with daughters by three ex-wives. And Brian takes heaps of pills for his obsessive-compulsive disorder. He is the kind of guy who can tell you the name of every victim of a serial killer from the ’90s, but hasn’t a clue as to his beloved wife’s favorite salad dressing.

As you can tell the tone of the show is light. In one of my favorite moments Gerry attempts to resign from the squad. He slaps something down on the superintendent’s desk. “I don’t have a badge,” he explains. “So that’s my Blockbuster’s card.”

Good writing, good acting. Good fun.

The Atlas of True Names

This has nothing to do with mysteries but it should be a big hit with the word-fans among us. The Atlas of True Names is an etymological map of the world, meaning it explains the meaning of geographical names. New York appears as New Wild Boar Village. California means Land Of The Chaste One. Hmm …

And the European names sound remarkably like Middle Earth: Brown Village, Dampcastle, Gurglewaterton. Thanks to The Map Room and Spiegel
for pointing this out. Now how do I buy one?

Greenburg again

A few months ago I told you about the Game of Dan Greenburg (twenty-five names, each related to the next). In the comments James created a cycle starring himself and that got me thinking. So, after putting way too much effort into it, here goes:

Robert Lopresti, Marian the Librarian, William the Conqueror, William Carlos Williams, Floyd Paterson, John Floyd, Mississippi John Hurt, River Phoenix, Diana Poole, Melodie Johnson Howe, Vivien Leigh, Leigh Lundin, Sam Houston, Deborah Elliott-Upton, Debbie Allen, Alan Treviscoe, James Lincoln Warren, Earl Warren, Harry Blackmun, Harry Houdini, Steve Steinbock, Lewis Carroll, the Dodo, Marty Crow, Robert Lopresti

The Deportees

Roddy Doyle is one of my favorite non-mystery authors. The flick The Commitments was based on his first novel. The Woman Who Walked Into Doors, about a drunken charlady/battered wife who is not much less than an epic hero, is one of the best novels I have ever read.

Doyle’s newest book is The Deportees, a collection of short stories about the immigrants attracted to Ireland by the unexpected wealthy streak of the last decade. The stories are comic and tragic, sometimes both at once. Two have enough crime content to make it into an American mystery magazine if it weren’t for the constant profanity. The hero of “I Understand” is an illegal African immigrant coping with Irish thugs who want him as a courier, and Irish women who want him for other reasons.

“Black Hoodie” is about a group of high school students who try shoplift- ing as a school project. Their goal is to educate store owners about stereo- types, but as you can imagine, problems arise. As our hero notes of one merchant “we’re more or less accusing him of racism and sexism, and very stupid-ism.”