Sunday, January 25: The A.D.D. Detective
 |
|
Lucy ebullient!
|
|---|
DOGGED PURSUIT
by Leigh Lundin
Cats have come to dominate mystery cosies. Aficionados embrace multiple cat novel series, cat blogs, cat conference panels, and fans talk of a cat mystery convention.
If cats symbolize the cosy, mutts must represent noir.
Cats are feminine. Dogs are masculine.
Cats are positive. The cat’s meow and the cat’s pajamas are the good things in life.
Dogs are negative karma. Bad things are dog days and a dog’s life.
 |
|
alisa’s Max
(mini dachshund) |
|---|
Cats– unless they’re alley cats or coal black– can’t do noir. That takes a dog.
Not any dog can do the job– neither poodle nor papillon or any frou-frou dog, but a real dog, one not too far descended from that branch of wolves and jackals.
Not even Alisa’s Max (who’s minimal, not maximum). We’re talking a dog Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe would be proud to unleash on the mean streets of noir.
 |
|
Steve with Lucy as PUPPY!
|
|---|
The Nobull Dog
Sharon’s daughter. Erin, has a bulldog named Lucille. Sharon calls the dog Lucy, I call her Dump Truck. The pooch is built like a semi and has the frightening iron jaws of earth-moving equipment.
I feel for Lucy. She’s the homely girl with a tender heart, the one attending the ball where everyone else is beautiful. She dribbles. She drools. She can lay down a gaseous fog that knocks birds out of trees.
The bitch has nipples the size of .45 slugs. She bowls over people who stand unwittingly close. When wagging her non-tail, her backside whumps alarmingly like an out-of-control bus on a mountain road.
The laws of aerodynamics notwithstanding, she can fly. Dump Truck dog can launch herself from ground zero and collide with you at chest level. It’s a truly frightening experience to see Lucy descending from the sky like a meteor about to wipe out dinosaurs.
 |
|
Steve with Molly
(sheltie) |
|---|
Sharon swears Lucy has a delicate stomach, although short of concrete blocks, I haven’t found anything Lucy won’t eat. Come to think of it, considering the density of her compact body, she may be loaded with cement blocks. If she steps on your bare foot, it feels like she set a refrigerator on your toe.
The first time I met Lucy, Sharon warned me, "She’s in heat." Too late. Lucy introduced herself by sitting on my shoe, my white shoe that became bloodstained red. She panted and slobbered and wagged her non-tail. When she opened her mouth in greeting, the size and shape looked like the open hood of Steve’s van.
In evolutionary terms, I think Lucy’s ancestors crossbred with hippos, rhinos, and diesel engines. ‘Fur’ is a misnomer for her Brillo-pad astroturf coat. She has a sandpaper tongue like a cat. Where the steel plates of her skull come together between her eyes at the top of her muzzle, Lucy has a deep hollow where Marlowe could stash spent cartridges collected from a crime scene.
 |
|
Lucy happy!
|
|---|
The Bulldog Whisperer
I’ve grown fond of dump truck dog. Right now she’s snoring, causing the ceiling fan’s light fixture to vibrate as if Lucy’s gotten on its nerves. Every hour or so, she’ll pause, release gas, and pick up snoring again.
As long as she’s snoring, I’m fine. It’s when she stops snoring, I become alarmed, concerned at any moment I’ll find a boulder hurtling through the air in happy greeting.
Sharon’s daughter roughhouses with her. To be sure, Lucy likes rough play, although concrete walls can take only so much before they crumble.
On the other hand, I talk softly to her, feathering my fingertips across her forehead and scratching that hollow between her eyes. She relaxes and grows quiet, no longer demolishing oak furniture, although the sofa sagged when she climbed up beside me.
Surprisingly, Lucy doesn’t have doggie breath, although that’s hard to appreciate since the other end’s volcanically active.
 |
|
Lucy effusive!
|
|---|
I whisper sweet nothings, call her little Dump Truck and tell her she’s so ugly she’s cute. She licks my hand with her sandpaper tongue and tries to purr. Lucy wants to climb in my lap, but I’m not anxious for knee replacements. Instead, I stroke her ears.
She closes her eyes and is about to snore when she hears the word "cookie" from the other room. Lucy launches herself like a cannon ball and knocks back the sofa.
Oh well. That gives me a few minutes to finish my article before she retu… azfghjkl…
Gator Bait
For a different take on a pet, read The Mystery Place.
Our reader, alisa, set in a photo a few months ago of Max, her miniature dachshund. She was kind enough to send in a new photo (above). Click on it for a higher resolutions.
I love Lucy – or better yet, Dump Truck. Had to print this one out for my wife. She’ll be laughing the rest of the day.
Years ago when someone was pushing for different mystery awards for cozy v noir or male v female authors (details lost in mist of time here), Lawrence Block suggested the categories be mysteries with and without cats. I can’t claim that that suggestion is why the push died away, but I think it helped.
I totally laughed my butt off. Tears are still clouding my sight.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve stopped by and I appreciate Leigh nudging me back over here. I have been busy with my children’s series (yes I’m contracted for 50 books). The first book is available now and can be purchased by emailing me.
That’s not why Leigh asked me to stop by though. My first book is up for a Covey award (only children’s book there that I can see) and he asked me to prompt all of you to vote – you can check it out here.
I’m glad Leigh nudged me to come back. I needed an uplifting, funny story today. I will come back again, not every day but I’ll follow this blog more often than I have of late. – see you all in the postings – E
Maybe it’s just me, but this didn’t seem like a particularly noirish piece to me, unless you think of Erma Bombeck as noir. Except for the fart jokes and the .45 caliber nipple reference, that is.
The most famous dog in detective lit, by the way, is also a female—a schnauzer, although she was played by a wire-haired fox terrier in the movies: Asta. Then there’s also Toby, “an ugly, long-haired, lop-eared creature, half spaniel and half lurcher, brown-and-white in color,” who is of some utility to Sherlock Holmes in The Sign of Four.
But finally, let me just say that just because a story has a cat in it doesn’t make it one of those loathsome cozy cat mysteries. (Rita Mae Brown and Lilian Jackson Braun have a lot to answer for, as far as I’m concerned.) I say this because I don’t want anybody to avoid “Space-Time for Springers”, categorically not a cozy, when it appears in AHMM.
Congratulations James for your AH story and congratulations Elysabeth for your Covey nomination!
I spotted Elysabeth’s cover amongst the other entries, and it’s a standout. The voting mechanism is along the left side. (I found it difficult to spot with Firefox.)
Thanks, Leigh—altho’ it’s not my story, but Fritz Leiber’s.
Whoa. The 2nd adult novel I remember reading, which would have been 3rd grade, was Fritz Leiber’s Gather Darkness. The first book was a forgettable western, but Gather Darkness left an impression, although I have yet to read it as an adult.
Well, Mr. ADD Cowboy, you need to get really “noirish” and step right into it…..Gather Darkness as an adult…..not the aftermath of Lucy’s leavings.
Max rather liked his picture. He’d probably be okay in a mystery as long as he could sniff out a crime or dig, or crawl through a tunnel to rescue something. Other than that, he’d rather just read about Lucy.
I think he’s getting ideas. For a new mystery of course.
Great article Buddha, I think you nailed Ms Stink. When we returned home she wanted to play throw the baby (her nearly demolished 75th toy). I throw it and like a run away train off she goes and yes the return trip with the baby is scary. Erin should get a kick out the article. Lucy is hoping it will stimulate more attention from Mom, not to mention more play time. Hmmm detective Lucy..
the creative juices are flowing.
Leigh,
You are a slut. Write about an ugly/cute dog and everybody loves you.
Hey, ADDD. I am not sure that a “dog’s life” should be considered a negative. Think of how Lilly lives. You obviously have never been one of my family’s dogs. They “live long and prosper”. I am trying to picture Lilly as a detective, although nosy would certainly apply. Enjoyed your article. Say hello to all for me.
Leigh:
I laughed, I loved it! The description of Lucy, er, I mean Dump Truck , reminded me of the t.v. cartoon “Avatar the Last Airbender” more specificly the kid’s pet named Appa.
Dogs, by the way can be cozy and reassuring.
(Yes, I’ve owned dogs and cats!)