Sunday, February 22: The A.D.D. Detective
And YOU THINK AMAZON is only about BOOKS
by Leigh Lundin
Business classes teach about horizontal and vertical integration. Say you’re a bookstore, and you expand by carrying music and movies by buying a competitor. That’s lateral expansion, otherwise called horizontal integration.
If you bought a book printing company, as Amazon did with its controversial BookSurge, you’ve moved into vertical integration as you try to control the supply chain.
Amazon has not remained idle. It’s expanded horizontally into electronics, appliances, clothing, beauty supplies, jewelry, sporting goods, and groceries. Here are a few useful items you might find on Amazon– be sure to click the images to check the reviews!
Yes, your very own tank, the ‘Donc’. Granted it looks like it was built for the Civil War, but hey, it has rubber wheels, lush carpeting, and a full blown stereo! If only they would come up with a green hybrid-fuel version!
UFO DetectorI have only one disappointment with this model, its inability to detect black helicopters. Its sideband scanner will, however, pick up evil aliens, although for some reason it’s triggered by Gloria Allred.
That little oopsie called Iraq could have been better supported by placing an order with Amazon. The customer who mistook the ore for tooth powder loves the result!
Vaseline Uranium Opalescent Glass Rose Butter Dish
I have no clue what this is for, but this hot item received a glowing recommendation. It maintains a biologically germ-free environment, giving butter a half-life of 1.2 million years.
Have you always wanted to practice acupuncture on your hog but found your swine flew? The anatomically correct Acupuncture Pig is your solution. Note: The model number, SM-9, might be a clue to the pig’s perception.
Emergent DetergentThe Weener Kleener is an, ah, extension of soap-on-a-rope, which seems to be a key to avoiding a rank frank. Word has it this slick product has been thoroughly tested by our cocky reader, alisa. (The instructions suggest that if the product becomes stuck, to apply cold water.)
If you didn’t think five pounds (2-1/4kg) of artificial fat wasn’t weird enough, take a look at the price. A hundred bucks for fake fat? What is wrong with America? Why should we buy slimy simulants at $20 a pound, when we can consume real, wholesome kosher fat for a fraction of the price.
Soyled MilkA couple of times I’ve ordered used books from Amazon. Sometimes the pages are more yellow than white, but that’s to be expected. Unfortunately, Amazon’s pre-owned Tuscan milk isn’t something you want to order. The reviews for this product are downright literary.
My first thought was of the oMiBod (which I bet we sold a lot of) for the BDSM crowd. Frankly, I don’t know what the hell this is other than it comes from Korea. Batteries not included.
Now we know what you’re doing instead of writing. Scanning Amazon for sex toys?
Thanks for this valuable information, Leigh. And here I thought I was ahead of the game by getting Irish Breakfast Tea from Amazon. I have placed an order for a donc and a UFO detector. Did you happen to notice if they have a bazooka for sale? It would come in handy if my donc should come under attack.
You are very lucky I can only type with one hand, buddy. Besides, there is no way weener dog Max could jump through that thing.
You have way too much leisure time.
Dick, it sounds like I need the bazooka for defense!
Sorry, alisa, I couldn’t resist. Okay, maybe I’m not sorry! (Enquiring minds want to know why you’re typing with one hand? Have you found a product that’s, uh, really interesting?
Thanks, Steve. I guess you get to get even once in a while.
James, did you mean that for all of us or merely me?
– Leigh, Criminal Brief Consumer Product Reviewer
I had my right wing (lol) clipped. Seems my cuff was devoid of any attachment to anything. I’m bonding for 6 weeks with a sling and hoping pain goes before the drugs run out!!
Good thing I can use my left wing, huh?
(laughing)