ABOUT OUR CONTRIBUTORS

by Robert Lopresti

Before we begin this exciting blog entry we thought you might want to know a little bit about those who made it possible. If you don’t want to, please don’t tell us. It would break our hearts.

RICHARD SPARTACUS wrote eight bestselling thrillers about serial killers before the meds kicked in. His latest book, Puppies ’n Sunshine!, has already been remaindered.

FRIEDA SALADEER has stayed on the bestseller list for almost twenty years by writing the same damned novel over and over. In each of her last three books she gave the murderer the exact same name. No one noticed. She’s putting away about a gallon of Scotch a week.

PROFESSOR DAVIS SURELY teaches post-post-post -modern literature at the University of Freemont at Freemont. His article “Why Did Dashell Hammett Need Two L’s, Two M’s, And Two T’s?” appeared in the Journal of Inadequacy Studies.

CONSTANCE MURKY’s latest, The Zombie Wore Manolo Blahniks, is the first Edwardian Chick Lit Bodice-Ripper to be set entirely on the
Titanic. Her essay, “Bucking The Trend,” appears in this week’s blog entry in teeny, tiny print. Find it and win a cookie.

IVAN J. COBRA wrote the novelization of a commercial for Ouchies brand Aspirin. It has been on the bestseller list for six weeks so far. He supplied all the commas in this week’s blog entry.

MIKE BRAINO is the author of Blood In My Bourbon, The Dame Died Dancing, and Kill Everybody! He teaches quilting at Persimmon Community College.

JOHN MILTON is the author of Paradise Lost.

CASSANDRA TREMBLING’s novels are so cosy that, not only does the corpse never appear in them, but even her police inspector isn’t allowed to see it. Instead a forensic expert whispers the details in his ear, out of the hearing of the reader, after which the inspector needs a large sherry to revive himself.

DR. JEFFREY PEEVERS is a podiatrist, or pediatrician. The one who works with feet. His essay, “Buddy Holly on Mars,” has nothing to do with this blog but we are publishing it because, frankly, he scares us.

HENRY LINTUS gave up traditional mysteries for suspense, hoping to improve his sales. When they flatlined too, he tried to go back and found that traditionals didn’t want him either. He has now dedicated his life to finding out who framed O.J.

LEONARD GOODFEATHERS has been in the semi-finals of the National Machiavelli Championships three years in a row. Last year he made it to the run-offs before he was run off. His contribution to this blog, “The Banjo Tunings of Dorothy L. Sayers,” was accidentally emailed to the National Security Agency, which classified it Top Secret.

ESTHER CAKEDANCE, whose story “Bang!” appears in this blog entry, teaches firearm safety in the alley behind Lundin Middle School. Her memoir, I Was Lady MacBeth’s Laundress, was nominated for an Edgar, by her.

PERRY ZALT’s “Death Penguin” will be the cover story of the August issue of Perry Zalt’s Mystery Magazine.

RICHARD SPARTACUS is still doing the stuff we told you about at the top of this entry. Please try to pay attention.

ROBERT LOPRESTI lives in the Pacific Northwet where he is a professional lambaster. He stole the idea for this column from Robert Benchley.