I LIKE SHORT SHORTS

by John M. Floyd

I recently sent in a third-person bio that contained the words “short story writer John Floyd.” After hitting the SEND key, it occurred to me that I probably should have included a hyphen: At six feet four, I’m not a short story writer, I’m a short-story writer. And lately they seem to be getting shorter.

Some of my fiction’s pretty long, including a 12,000-word story in AHMM years ago and a 18,000-worder at Amazon Shorts last year (though they serialized it in two equal parts). Most of what I’ve written, though, is probably in the 3,000- to 5,000-word range — and a lot of my recent stories are between 700 and 2,000 because that’s the length preferred by several of my favorite markets. Are the shorter ones any better or worse than the others? I don’t think so — but they do seem to be more fun to write. The truth is, as Sheb Wooley said in his “Purple People Eater” song from the 50s, I like short shorts.

Admittedly, many stories of that length — certainly those less than 1,000 words — fall into the trap of being no more than extended “jokes” that depend on a punchline or surprise ending. But not all of them. The shorter stories can sometimes deliver as much enjoyment and lasting impact as their longer counterparts. If you doubt that, seek out “Voodoo” by Fredrick Brown, or “The Door Was Wide-O” by Elsin Ann Graffam. And more “sophisticated” short-shorts, often vignettes, appear regularly in literary journals.

Having said that, I realize it’s difficult to fully develop the characters or plot in a very short story, and there would be little chance that such a tale could ever mirror the struggles and relationships of real life enough to qualify it as a literary masterpiece. But if pure entertainment is what you seek, short-shorts have their place, and the good ones are delightful to read and to write. It’s sort of like playing the guitar: it’s hard to do well and easy to do badly.

One recent experience in the mystery short-short area was an anthology project called Seven By Seven, to which I contributed seven different stories about the Seven Deadly Sins, along with six other writers. (One of the other authors was a lady named Deborah Elliott-Upton.) Editor Tony Burton requested that each of the 49 stories be less than 600 words, and I think all of us had a good time with that. Getting your character in trouble, making his troubles worse, and then getting him out of it can be a challenge, with that kind of word count. Someone pointed out to me not long ago that she had actually counted the words in several of my stories in that anthology, and they totaled 599 each. I don’t doubt it. I tried to use every single word of my allowance.

On an even shorter note, I entered a contest a few months ago that required a 26-word “story” using each letter of the alphabet, in order. Even though I usually don’t like contests, this sounded interesting, so I figured what the hell and wrote one and sent it off. I didn’t win first place, but I did win an Amazon.com gift certificate (one of the most direct ways to my heart), with the following entry, which I called “Mission Ambushable”:

Assassin Bob Carter deftly eased forward, gun hidden in jacket, keeping low, making not one peep. Quietly Robert said, to unaware victim: “Welcome. Xpected you.” ZAP.

Okay, I know it’s silly. But as a crime writer, I had great fun coming up with that.

And isn’t that what this writing thing is all about?

Answers to last Saturday’s movie quiz (first 15 quotes):

1. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
APOCALYPSE NOW (Robert Duvall to troops after an attack)

2. Where’s that Joe Buck?
MIDNIGHT COWBOY (restaurant owner to his staff, concerning employee Jon Voight)

3. Be careful, out there among them English.
WITNESS (old Amish farmer to Harrison Ford, as Ford leaves for the city)

4. In the end you wind up dying all alone on some dusty street. And for what? A tin star?
HIGH NOON (Lon Chaney, offering advice to Gary Cooper)

5. Miss Jean Louise, stand up. Your father’s passing.
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (old man to Mary Badham, after the trial)

6. You design TOY airplanes?
THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (Jimmy Stewart to engineer Hardy Kruger)

7. Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool.
THE HUSTLER (Paul Newman to Jackie Gleason)

8. I’m George, George McFly. I am your density. I mean . . . your destiny.
BACK TO THE FUTURE (Crispin Glover to Lea Thompson, in the diner)

9. He did it! He missed the barn!
CAT BALLOU (Michael Callan, when drunk Lee Marvin tries to prove his marksmanship)

10. Remember me? I came in here yesterday and you wouldn’t wait on me. Big mistake.
PRETTY WOMAN (the new and improved Julia Roberts, to salesclerk)

11. We in the FBI don’t have a sense of humor that I’m aware of.
MEN IN BLACK (Tommy Lee Jones to housewife, when she asks if he’s making fun of her)

12. I saw it. It was a run-by fruiting.
MRS. DOUBTFIRE (Robin Williams to Pierce Brosnan)

13. Any man don’t wanna get killed, better clear on out the back.
UNFORGIVEN (Clint Eastwood to the group in the saloon)

14. Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (Alfred Molina to a desperate Harrison Ford)

15. That’s a negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full.
TOP GUN (control tower to Tom Cruise, when he requests flyby)