OPEN UP — IT’S THE GRAMMAR POLICE

by John M. Floyd

A couple of years ago I saw an interesting list in a writing magazine. I can’t recall which magazine it was or who wrote the piece, but since I remember most of the items in the list I don’t think I dreamed it — mainly because my dreams don’t usually make a lot of sense, and this list did. Besides, most of my dreams involve being chased by demons or having to take a test I’m not prepared for or certain fantasies I won’t go into here.

The piece I saw was interesting to me because it named the top seven grammatical errors that editors find in manuscripts. Since I’ve already admitted at least partial amnesia here, it won’t surprise you that I also don’t remember all of the errors or the order in which they appeared — so my plan is to fudge a little and substitute some of my own. I feel that’s only fair, since I’ve almost certainly committed more of these mistakes than the guy who wrote the article, and I’ve probably had more manuscripts rejected as a result.

Anyway, here’s my list. I’ll call them my Top Ten Most Irritating Grammar Mistakes, beginning with the worst.

NOTE: I’ve left out some obvious style errors like overuse of adverbs/adjectives, misspellings, repetition of thoughts/words/phrases, etc. The following is a list of specific errors that I find the most offensive, and which I honestly believe can mark a writer as an amateur (or just plain careless).

1. Its time to give the dog it’s medicine. I think the misuse if it’s/its takes the prize for Worst Writing Error. I realize most possessives include an apostrophe, but we should know by now that its doesn’t. And that it’s is a contraction.

2. The invitation was sent to Mary and I. When spoken this is bad enough; when written it’s terrible. Break it up into parts — would you write “to I”?

3. Their mailbox says THE COOPER’S. This isn’t a possessive (even though it probably is the Coopers’ mailbox). The word should be a simple plural, with no apostrophe: THE COOPERS.

4. Would everyone please take their seats? Okay, I know it’s not PC to say “his seat,” and I know it’s cumbersome to say “his or her seat.” But “their” is just wrong. One way around this is rephrasing: Would everyone please sit down?

5. We had less people attend last week’s meeting. Use fewer when individual “units” are involved. “I have less cash; I have fewer coins.”

6. I need to lay down for a while. To say that’s correct would be a lie. You lay down a pallet; you lie down to rest.

7. He went in the tunnel. Unless maybe you’re saying he used the bathroom in the tunnel, this is incorrect. It should be: “He went into the tunnel; he’s in the tunnel now.” True story: I saw in our local newspaper the other day that a suspect “turned himself into police.” It’s bad grammar, but sounds like a good escape maneuver …

8. He doesn’t draw good. Remember, “good” is usually an adjective; “well” is usually an adverb. “He doesn’t draw good pictures because he doesn’t draw well.”

9. I feel badly about that. The only way to feel badly is to have problems with your sense of touch. Just say you feel bad. To feel badly about something is as wrong as to feel goodly about it.

10. She told me that she likes you. This isn’t really incorrect, it’s just too wordy. We writers should try to cut out every unnecessary occurrence of that. “She told me she likes you” sounds much better.

A good runner-up would be My wife is nauseous. Your wife might indeed be nauseous, but you probably meant to indicate that she’s throwing up her shoes and socks. If so, the correct word is nauseated. I once heard that “The patient is nauseated” means he’s sick; “The patient is nauseous” means he’s making you sick.

Again, I’ve left out many classic mistakes — these are just some that come readily to mind, and that appear often in the manuscripts I critique in my writing classes. What are the errors that you consider the most appalling? (Aside from those that some of you might have noticed in my e-mails.)

I should end this discussion by confessing that I’m actually not much of a grammar policeman. (Several of my Criminal Brief colleagues, however, are. Especially JLW.) But it’s fun now and then to impersonate one.

“Okay, sir, step away from the desk, and put down that pen …”