Sunday, July 12: The A.D.D. Detective
BAD, BAD CRIMINALS, part I
by Leigh Lundin
This week, we bring you criminal briefs from North America.
Why aren’t you out writing speeding tickets?
Hanceville, AL. Billy Floyd Norris, being an upstanding citizen, phoned police he’d been robbed by his two roommates. Once police arrived, they found an operating meth lab. That’s a big no-no in police circles.
Police arrested the dopey dude for unlawful possession and manufacturing of a controlled substance. The man was incarcerated on a one million dollar bond. No word on the two thieves.
Suffolk, Va. A seventeen-year-old junior burglar broke into a house where he picked up the victim’s cell phone. Wanting to show how cool he was, took pictures of himself with the phone’s camera. (Did I mention he was cool?)
Sadly, the phone was locked. The felonious photographer couldn’t send the photos and left the phone behind for the police to recover… along with his cool-dude pictures. Local stations broadcast the head shots, giving the police the break they needed.
The teen is now cooling his heels in the Suffolk County lockup. All he wanted was his own cell.
Cincinnati, Oh. A trespassing teen succeeded in breaking into a neighbor’s house while its owners were on vacation. Nineteen-year-old Nicholas Truesdell ate, drank, slept, and entertained himself for a week, using their computer, their entertainment center, and their family car.
Police charged the freeloading felon with burglary and unauthorized use of a vehicle. I’m not betting he did any household chores.
Medford, Or. Another seventeen-year-old junior burglar conceived the idea of levering open a neighbor’s garage door using a car jack. He pried it open enough to slide under the door where he apparently jerked the jack, causing it to lose its purchase. Down came the door, trapping the temerarious teen under it.
Mommy came looking for him and when she couldn’t get the door open, she called firefighters who rescued the intemperate teen. His pride was hurt more than he was. Police cited him with trespassing and causing undue laughter.
He was just pelting the kids with a truck.
Wendell, NC. Pesky neighborhood kids pelted Douglas Jones’ pickup truck with rocks. Mr. Jones took a run at the kids with his vehicle before ramming into their house.
Guess he showed them! Police charged Jones with assault with a deadly weapon, ethnic intimidation, simple assault, and property damage.
As his defense strategy, Jones might argue they pelted his truck with their house.
Minneapolis, Mn. On the 4th of July, Jesse Phoutthaphaphone caught a breeze by his open window while editing his MySpace page. (He clearly didn’t understand MySpace is no place for adults.)
To add injury to insult, he saw a pair of hands and poof! His laptop vanished from his, er, lap top. Phoutthaphaphone (believe me, I copy and paste this name) dashed to his feet and, clad only in his superhero boxer shorts, dashed out the door after the nefarious netbook nabber.
The cretinous criminal tried to hide in a neighbor’s garage, but Phoutthaphaphone and his neighbor persuaded him to stay for a police chat. Unfortunately, the laptop didn’t survive the scuffle. Lionel Green was charged with burglary 2.0.
Machina ex Deus, our feel-good story
Kelowna, BC. Last month, thieves stumbled upon a treasure trove of computer monitors sitting in a residential driveway. They helped themselves to 31 screens and made their get-away.
Mounties and a local church put out an appeal, saying Kelowna General Hospital donated the monitors to Trinity Baptist Church for distribution to poor hospitals in Cameroon, Africa, for their first ever computer system. Shortly, the monitors reappeared in the same driveway with a handwritten note that read, "Sorry for the trouble. Hope you forgive us, hope those kids in Africa enjoy."
The Mounties closed the case. You’ve got to love Canada– they don’t sweat the small stuff.
My Mystery Writers of America newsletter rolled in this weekend and guess what? Their next anthology will include a story by titled The Awareness by Terrie Farley Moran of WomenOfMystery. I’ve seen four submissions to the anthology, two by Criminal Brief colleagues, so I know great stories were submitted, meaning The Awareness must be damn good! Congratulations Terrie!
Disclaimer
Remember: Crimes, misstatements, misquotes, misdeeds, and really stupid stuff are alleged or opinions until proven otherwise. Besides, if you sue us, we’re broke.
“You’ve got to love Canada– they don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Amen to that. If I was to be arrested, I’d much rather be arrested in Europe or Canada than in the United States. I have a feeling—and correct me if I am wrong—that the US authorities are much more likely to throw you into prison than their Canadian or European counterparts. How else do you explain the fact that the US has the largest prison population in the world (in excess of 2 million people)? According to Wiki: “Although the United States represents less than 5% of the world’s population, over 25% of the people incarcerated around the world are housed in the American prison system.”
Oh, as to your article, Leigh, what can I say except . . . foolish kids.
Your great article shows what I’ve always thought: most criminals are stupid and teenagers are just plain weird. But both groups provide good material for humorous articles such as yours.
Thank you, Leigh.
Terrie
Great column, Leigh. And I’d like to add my sincere congratulations to Terrie for having her story selected for the MWA anthology. Good work!
Indeed congratulations, Terrie!
When will this anthology come out?
Thanks, Yoshinori.
The anthology will be released in April 2010.
Terrie
The clever criminal as a majority is largely a creation of fiction (except the ones who never get caught!) And my congrats to Terrie too!