RADIO FLASH

by James Lincoln Warren

Saturday evening I drove up into the San Fernando Valley to attend Bill Fitzhugh’s annual gumbo party for members of SoCal MWA. This involves driving over the Santa Monica Mountains through the Sepulveda Pass along the notorious 4051, and then a good stretch on the Ventura Freeway until arriving in Woodland Hills. L.A. traffic being L.A. traffic, even at 5 p.m. on a Saturday, this is at least a 45-minute drive from where I live in West L.A. near Santa Monica. So to amuse myself, traffic being not amusing, I had the radio on, tuned to KPCC, the NPR affiliate administered by Pasadena City College.2

And what do you know, they were discussing a fiction-writing contest sponsored by NPR, “Three-Minute Fiction”. One can’t help but notice the similarity of the contest’s title to “[Single Digit of your Choice]-Minute Mysteries”. And sho ’nuff, it’s a contest for writing short shorts, what we call flash stories except without the punchline, since it’s a literary contest after all. The winner has his or her story read on the air by Harvard professor and New Yorker literary critic James Wood, who is also the Judge (capital letter reproduced from the Official Rules). The prize is an autographed copy of his book, How Fiction Works.

Round One is over, and the winner, “Not That I Care”, is a story about a weirdo named Jim who abducts ducks off the street. My name is Jim, and I have been accused of being weird, but I draw the line at abducting ducks off the street. I am also not completely unsophisticated when it comes to literature, either, but I have to say that I have absolutely no idea what author Molly Reid was driving at. To make matters worse, she wrote the story in present tense, a practice I find almost invariably too precious and affected for, well, for words, if you follow me. But then, I am not a Harvard professor and New Yorker literary critic. Not that I care.

On the other hand, one of the runners-up, “Mickey Mickey You’re So Fine”, was just about perfect. And I knew exactly what author Sally Reno was driving at.

The rest of the offerings the Gentle Reader may wish to browse at his pleasure. But I thought you should know that only Round One of the contest is finished. You are all in plenty of time to submit a story — did I mention the Official Rules? — limited to 600 words, for Round Two. This time there’s a twist, a condition also rather too precious, which reminded me of Leigh’s piece on Oulipo a few scant months ago — more proof that literary intellectuals have a lot to answer for — and that is that every submission must begin with “the arbitrary sentence” (as Wood described it during the interview), “The nurse left work at five o’clock.”

Wood chose this sentence because:

“I’m responding here to something that the French poet Paul Valery expressed as part of his hostility to fiction. He didn’t like the fact-filled nature of realism. And he used to use as an example of complete arbitrariness, ‘The Marquise went out at 5:00.’ That for him was everything that was pointless and arbitrary about fiction.

[laughter]

I wrote about this in How Fiction Works and sort of turned it on its head and showed that as soon as a second or third sentence follows – that’s to say as soon we asked the question, where is the Marquise going; why was she leaving at five o’clock; what’s next — it becomes less arbitrary in the way of fiction. So in that spirit, perhaps we might respond to Monsieur Valery … ”

All right, Professor, I will give you that one because I agree with you and think that Paul Valery was indulging in typical French intellectual obfuscation. A beginning without context may be perceived as being arbitrary when in fact it isn’t, and certainly fiction isn’t any more arbitrary than poetry if it comes to that. But you could have chosen another time than five o’clock, after all. That’s not allusion, it’s plagiarism.

How about, “The nurse had exactly three minutes,” instead?

African Affairs Department

An account of my trip to Africa, which I modestly observe was several days longer than the Secretary of State’s recent visit, and probably a lot more fun, can be found here, as promised.

Puerile Humor Department

Our good friend Travis Erwin inadvertently forwarded an email to me with the enticing subject line “FW: Web only Comfort Choice bra event: buy 1, get 1 free”. He then wrote to apologize, writing, “Sorry for forwarding you the big bra event. It was meant for my wife who is right below you in my contact list.”

But I snickered at his weak apology and exacted my revenge. I forwarded an ad to him for a sale on women’s shoes, originally intended for MY wife, with the subject line “Fwd: 25% off your favorite pair today!”

I know, I should grow up, but hey.

1. My nephew James Phillips noticed when he visited Los Angeles last year that Angelenos refer to freeways as “the 10”, “the 5”, and “the 405”, whereas back home in San Antonio, people talk about “I-10”, “I-35” (or maybe “IH35”) and “Loop 410”. He found the definite article attached to the highway number strange and distracting. Moi, I’ve been out here so long it seems entirely natural. Southern Californians also have names for our freeways: the 405 is also known as the San Diego Freeway, even though it joins Interstate 5 and disappears just above downtown Irvine, more than 80 miles short of San Diego. California State Route 136 is called the Ventura Freeway from its origin in Pasadena to where it terminates in Burbank by merging with U.S. Route 101 (“the 101”). The 101 is called the Hollywood Freeway between Burbank and downtown L.A. But westward from where the two highways join, the 101 assumes the former name of the 136 and becomes the Ventura Freeway. So if you’re driving from downtown L.A. to Encino on the 101, you stay on the 101 but switch from the Hollywood Freeway to the Ventura Freeway, and if you’re driving from Pasadena to Encino, you stay on the Ventura Freeway but switch from the 136 to the 101. Go figure. [↩]
2. Lots of public and non-profit radio in L.A.: KUSC is the classical music station and KCRW in Santa Monica is known for its eclecticism — they even have a show called “Morning Becomes Eclectic”. In addition there’s KPFK, one of five stations in the Pacifica Network, known for its left-wing attitudes. (Right-wingnut radio is strictly AM.) The most conventional format, with “Morning Edition” and “All Things Considered” and “The Prairie Home Companion” and “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me”, et al, is to be found at 89.3 KPCC. [↩]