Here’s an essay I wrote a couple of years ago, but which is immortal. All right, I admit it, I lied—it’s not immortal, merely undead.

SO YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT VAMPIRES

by James Lincoln Warren

AMERICAN FASCINATION WITH VAMPIRES

Americans have shown a significantly increased interest in vampirism over the last twenty years – not the vampirism of living mentally ill human beings who think they must drink blood to survive, but the vampirism of the actual Undead. Television shows like “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, “Angel”, and “Forever Knight” have proven themselves popular additions to the vampiric dramatic repertoire, sometimes even eclipsing the famous and profitable “Dracula” franchise. Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton have consistently produced books that make the bestseller lists. Americans, it seems, just love the Undead.

But how accurate are these portrayals? Sadly, they abound with technical errors and outright misstatements. In reaction to these myth-makers, continuing adult education programs have been set up at adult night schools, junior colleges, and four-year university Extension Divisions under the rubric of “Undead-American Studies”.

You may ask yourself if you really need to take any of these courses to become knowledgeable about vampires in your area. Only you can answer this question, but here’s a quiz that might help.

TEST YOUR UNDEAD I.Q.

T/F (1) The only ways to kill a vampire are impalement with a wooden stake through the heart, immolation, exposure to sunlight, and decapitation.
T/F (2) Vampires dig sex.
T/F (3) During the day, vampires must sleep in a coffin filled with soil from the graveyard they were originally buried in.
T/F (4) Vampires never show signs of aging.
T/F (5) When vampires can’t get human blood, they drink blood from animals.
T/F (6) Vampires can assume the shapes of bats, black dogs, and fog.
T/F (7) Vampires can climb on walls like insects or spiders.
T/F (8) Vampires fear the cross, which represents Jesus Christ.
T/F (9) If a vampire kills you, you won’t become a vampire yourself unless you drink the vampire’s blood first.
T/F (10) Vampires have an extra joint on each finger and toe.
T/F (11) Vampires do not cast reflections.
T/F (12) Vampires are allergic to garlic.
T/F (13) Vampires are supernaturally strong.

Here are the answers:

   (1) FALSE. It turns out that you can impale a vampire with anything, and as long as you get its heart, it’s a goner, but it won’t turn to dust like on BtVS and Angel. Instead, it will turn into a dead vampire with a stake through its heart. This myth apparently originated from confusion between nailing vampires and slaying werewolves, because werewolves do have to be shot with a silver bullet to be put down, a practice which many occult rights activists consider inhumane, but that’s a topic for another piece. Anyway, anything that can destroy a vampire’s body will also destroy the vampire, so you can burn it or blow it up or whatever, although this is easier said than done. You don’t actually have to expose it to sunlight, either, as long as you can keep it from getting to its coffin before dawn. (Also see number 8 below.) Disemboweling also works, but it takes a lot longer, and being hunted by an eviscerated vampire can be unsettling.

   (2) FALSE. Vampires aren’t interested in sex at all, only in blood, although they may use the promise of sex to seduce a victim, because many of them are very smart and they know that most living people are very stupid, especially when they’re horny. But you must remember that sex is a life-affirming activity, and the Undead despise anything to do with life except blood. Pleasure in sex arose as an evolutionary imperative for procreation. Sex is not how vampires reproduce. Vampires reproduce by biting people and sucking their circulatory systems dry. (You can draw your own conclusion.) Besides, most vampires smell really, really bad. I mean think about it: they’ve been rotting in a grave for at least several hours, maybe days, and they aren’t any better looking than they were when they were alive, so how sexy can they be?

   (3) TRUE. If they weren’t buried, then the dirt has to be from where their bodies were within three days after death, even if it’s beneath a building. Otherwise it’s adios. Recall that it’s not sunlight that they’re allergic to, but the day itself (see number 1). They have to sleep during the day on the dirt or they die. This is one reason that vampires are so rare. Most don’t survive their first day and never make it to the party. It also explains why vampires usually have extensive dry-cleaning bills.

   (4) FALSE. Vampires do age if they don’t get blood, they just can’t die of old age. If they have a steady diet, they get younger-looking, but never younger than their age when they became a vampire. Also, their hair and nails continue to grow when they’re getting regular suck-o-pops.

   (5) FALSE. It’s human blood or nada. Do you really think vampires groove on pig’s blood? Besides, this would be a real problem for vampires of certain religious persuasions.

   (6) TRUE. They can change, and even fly when they’re bats, but the metamorphosis takes a lot of energy and effort, apparently, and the Damned can’t sustain it for more than a few minutes. The easiest, apparently, is changing into a dog, followed by bat, and then fog. One way to tell if a large, black, menacing hound of hell is a vampire in disguise or not is to observe its behavior in the vicinity of a fire hydrant. Vampires do not mark fire hydrants.

   (7) TRUE. Vampires would rather climb than walk. This may be because it is so difficult for them to find shoes that fit properly. (See question 10.)

   (8) FALSE. Really a trick question. They are afraid of crosses, but not because of Christianity. (It’s true that they don’t like Christians, but they don’t like Jews, Muslims, Hindus, or Buddhists either, apparently. I’m not sure about Mormons.) Vampires were afraid of crosses long before the Christian era. Apparently crucifixion is another way to kill ’em from way back, even prior to Roman times. As long as we’re on the subject of crosses, here’s the skinny on holy water and communion wafers: it doesn’t have to be Roman Catholic Holy Water for a vamp not to want to get soused in it. The only liquid substance vampires are really crazy about is human blood, which is one reason they mostly smell awful, and they recoil from any blessed or holy liquid, including RCHW (as we call it), but also including the water from holy rivers like the Ganges and Jordan, and from sacred oils used for anointing. They also recoil from whiskey, because the word means “water of life,” a tidbit you may find useful if you ever run into a vampire in a saloon. It is not known if they recoil from Dr. Zog’s Sex Wax or not. Communion wafers don’t bother them at all, but if you arrange them in the form of a cross in the dirt of their coffins, that’ll keep them from getting in and make them cross, that is, more upset and ungracious than usual.

   (9) FALSE. If a vamp sucks you dry, welcome to Club Undead. The vampire has to suck you dry until you die, though. He’s likely to take a long time and milk you as long as he can get away with it. If he winds up killing you some other way, like snapping your spine or ripping off your head, you won’t come back. Joss Whedon, Buffy’s creator, may be a brilliant writer, but he is to blame for this myth and lots else besides, not the least of which is the ridiculous notion that vampires can have souls. If vampires had souls, they would not be Undead, so if you somehow put a soul back in its body, it wouldn’t be a vampire anymore. It would be a living being. A really stinky living being with extra long canines, but still a living being.

   (10) TRUE. Handy for climbing. It also allows vampires to be unusually skilled accordion players.

   (11) TRUE. Female vampires must do each others’ makeup when they go off to the powder room. The reason vampires cast no reflection is because they are creatures of darkness and thereby antithetical to light, whatever the hell that means.

   (12) TRUE. This is apparently really a problem for Korean-American and Italian-American vampires, and may explain why these ethnicities combined represent fewer than 8% of the Undead-American population, but at least we can be grateful that vampires do not stink of corruption and garlic.

   (13) TRUE. But their strength waxes and wanes with the night. They are strongest midway between dusk and dawn. Do not under any circumstances accept a challenge from a vampire to Indian wrestle, especially if he mentions a shower curtain and Mazola oil.

How did you do?

1 – 4 correct: You’re bait.
5-8 correct: Stay at home after dark if you know what’s good for you.
9-13 correct: You’re either Undead or you cheated.

CURRENT VAMPIRE CONTROVERSIES

Should vampires be allowed to vote?
While it is true that vampires worship the Prince of Darkness, this is not really so different from being Republican, and it is well known that large numbers of dead Democrats having been turning out for elections for years, especially in Texas and Illinois.

How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hel-LO! NONE. Vampires are CREATURES OF DARKNESS.

Is it politically correct to use the “V” word?
This has changed with societal norms over the years. Although “vampire” is still generally acceptable, some of the Damned prefer to be called “Vampire Americans” or “Undead-Americans.” You may refer to a vampire from north of the Mason-Dixon line as a “Damned Yankee” with out fear of insulting it, but under no circumstances should you call a vampire a “vamp” to its face. This is considered crass, insensitive, and insulting, although this is frequently what they call each other in their patois, e.g., “Yo, move your fat vamp ass outta my graveyard or I’m gonna put a flagpole through your heart! This is my turf, you got it, you lazy worthless good-for-nuthin’ vamp?” (Recorded by field researchers at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, CA, in 1996.)

Where do vampires stand on reproductive rights for women?
I already mentioned that vampires couldn’t care less about sex and normal biological reproduction, so generally speaking, this is not an issue of any importance to them. It is safe to say, however, that no vampire would ever describe itself as “pro-life.”

What about vampires and assisted suicide?
I don’t think I really have to answer this question.

What is the plural form of Nosferatu?
Who the hell cares? Nobody except white slavers gives a damn about learning Romanian. Is that even a real language?

Do Undead-African-Americans who formerly made their livings as recording artistes have soul?
Unfortunately, no. The Undead cannot have soul, or souls, regardless of race, creed, color, national origin, or sexual orientation. We are all equal in the grave, but some are more trouble than others.

What can American society learn from the Undead Experience?
Many vampire contributions to American life have not been duly appreciated, particularly in the field of corporate management. Who but a vampire could have come up with the idea of Human Resources, for example? But mainly, the Undead Experience teaches us that we each one of us have different needs, and just because someone is a parasitic blood-bloated human tick doesn’t mean he isn’t worthy of self-esteem.

CONCLUSION

It is easier and better to learn about vampires through academic study than through on-the-job training. In the first place, studying vampires through a reputable and accredited school does not necessarily entail losing your soul and being damned to hell for all eternity, unless, of course, it’s a law school. Contact your local adult school, junior college, or university for more information.