BAD, BAD CRIMINALS, part IV– South Africa

by Leigh Lundin

The South African Police Service is called SAPS, but from the following stories, the acronym applies to the criminals rather than the cops.

When Planning a Heist, Don’t Forget the Get-Away

Mthatha, Eastern Cape, SA.  If you’re going to steal booze, it’s a good idea to escape with your loot first and consume it later. Burglars in the town of Mthatha forgot this little detail. They drank themselves into a stupor and forgot to leave.

Employees discovered the saturated sots the following morning. Police called for the robbing rummies to surrender, but the inebriated incorrigibles did not immediately comply. Eventually, possibly after more drinking, they turned themselves over to authorities.

Police recovered a pickaxe head, implying one should pick a bar only when sober.

What are Friends for?

Johannesburg, SA.  Say you botch a robbery and one of your friends gets busted. He’s in jail. He’s hungry. He’s lonely. What do you do?

You’d be smarter to order Chinese or pizza delivered rather than take it yourself, the choice two crooks made at the Jabulani police station. Officers recognized the pair from descriptions and arrested them on the spot.

Hey, you can’t beat crooks walking voluntarily into the hoosegow.

Criminal Calling

Mamelodi, Gauteng, SA.  An exceptionally dim criminal walked into a police station and reported he had been robbed of his cell phone. The detective taking his statement dialed the number of the stolen phone… and it rang in the pocket of the supposed victim. The policeman promptly arrested the pholenious felon.

Didn’t he read that sign telling him to shut off his cell phone in the police station?

The Nut Case
(Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to… BLAM!)

Park Rynie, KwaZulu-Natal, SA.  A car-jacker made the mistake of tucking his pistol in his pants, right next to his, well, not-so-lustrous jewels.

The gun went off.

So did one of the jewels.

Police found him and another suspect at the Umzinto Clinic receiving treatment. Police will search for a third suspect as soon as they can stop laughing.

One More Reason to Avoid FaceBook

Port Elizabeth, Eastern Cape, SA.  Employees at an electronics store helped trap a man who had left merchants with bad cheques worth an eighth of a million US dollars. After catching his cheque early, they invited the greedy glommer back, saying they saved up checks because their bank charged less.

The checking chump strolled in only to find police waiting for him. Police identified him by the picture he posted on Facebook.

A Hole in One

East London, Eastern Cape, SA.  A cowardly crook who attempted a museum break-in got behind in his escape. When the museum’s alarm went off, the rotten robber ran and attempted to scale the back fence, a fence made up of spikes.

• Long spikes.
  • Steel.
    • Sharp.
      • Spikes to make one pale or impaled.

His asinine disaster proved the bum is no smart ass, but the butt of jokes.

The photos in the title’s link are not for the faint of heart.

The End.