YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

by Deborah Elliott-Upton

Writers are told we must know the tricks of the trade when writing about crimes, but in truth, criminals are pretty darn dumb.

The Oklahoman website reported that James Brewer of Shawnee, OK, suffered a stroke and feared he was on his deathbed. Wanting redemption in heaven, he admitted to the 32-year-old murder of Jimmy Carroll, who Brewer believed was trying to seduce his wife. Instead of dying following his confession, Mr. Brewer recovered and was charged with the murder.

In Hillsboro, OR, a 30-year-old woman handed a bank teller a note that read, “Need $300 or I’ll kill you. I’m serious.” The teller stated she couldn’t read the handwriting. When the would-be robber stepped away to rewrite her note on a bank slip, the teller pressed the silent alarm. Police soon arrived and arrested the woman with the bad penmanship.

In Portland, OR, a man sent text messages to his girlfriend explaining what he was doing as he set fire to her belongings inside her apartment. Arson investigators used the texts as evidence of his guilt in the trial.

In court, a man was asked how he pleaded to the charge. Instead of the usual “guilty” or “not guilty”, the man answered, “Judge, let me explain why I stole the car.”

Two service station attendants were instructed to empty their cash register. When they didn’t comply, the inebriated thief threatened to call the police. They still refused. The robber called the police and was arrested.

A 20-year-old woman attempted to rob a motel armed with an electric chain saw. It wasn’t plugged in.

Tellers handed over the money to a 300-pound man. He ran from the bank, but hadn’t planned for a getaway car. The run was more difficult than he’d imagined, so after a short sprint, he stopped for a break. While he was catching his breath, the bank security guard arrested him.

A man left his car running, ran into a store, and demanded money. When he returned with $200 from the register, he realized he’d locked his car doors. The key was inside.

When we’re reading a mystery, the criminals need to be believable, but truthfully, if they were anything like too many real criminals out there, the story wouldn’t be found in the mystery shelves of the bookstore. You’d find them in the humor section.