CLOSE SHAVE

by Leigh Lundin

Geologists believe Florida was not originally part of North America. They postulate when Pangea split into the supercontinents of Gondwana and Laurasia, the land destined to become Africa deposited Florida upon North America as if scraping mud from its shoes.

That may explain Florida’s propensity toward weirdness, which I’ve documented from time to time. I say this with some authority, having lived in several other states and overseas: Florida is decidedly strange.

At lunch on Wednesday, friend/writer/editor/teacher Sharon handed me a clipping to kickoff today’s column. Without further ado…

DWS

Cudjoe Key, Fl.  Volusia County and other spots along I-95 have been noted for arrests based upon DWB– driving while black– but this is the first case of driving while shaving I’ve stumbled across. Sure, I’ve seen guys with electric razors dodging in and out of traffic, manning their razors in case of an accident, but this case of DWS is unique in the annals of traffic arrests.

I confess I don’t grok the ex-husband. Was he pimping? Voyuering? Or determinedly Rodney Dangerfield– Take my wife PLEASE!

I’m a guy and even I’ve heard of depilatories. Can we take up a collection of Nair?

Junk Yard Blues

Panama City Beach, Fl.  Spring Break, okay? Maybe a little drinking and a lot of partying, right? You fall asleep in the back of your SUV. When you wake up, it’s dark, your cell phone is dead, and you find yourself in… a junkyard.

In the case of our recent Indianapolis visitor, she might have been a heavy sleeper but she was resourceful. She found a sledge and bolt cutters and hacked her way out of the junkyard.

No word if the towing company charged extra for passengers.

Gullible or Complicit?

Melborne, Fl.  A few years ago, police arrested a man who was giving free breast exams. You might expect the second or third woman he approached to have called the police, but apparently hundreds of women took him up on the free exams, several multiple times. Eventually, one woman phoned the police after she became ‘suspicious’.

A few months ago a woman answered a CraigsList.com ad to diaper and bottle feed a man willing to pay $600 a week. After three months of playing nurse, she grew suspicious not all was normal… after he was late on payments a couple of times.

Janet Shulte expressed frustration that police couldn’t arrest him as he committed no crime. It’s a pity we can’t arrest the criminally dumb.

Mi Office, Su Office

Tampa, Fl.  On Monday, 1 March, a man committed an eighteen hour burglary in a Tampa office building, moving through the building snapping up computer parts.

This pales in comparison with a situation several years ago at Walt Disney World. The Sun Bank office building is on Disney property outside The Village Marketplace off Hotel Row. For the better part of a year, employees and cast members nodded to a pleasant executive who disembarked the elevator at the top floor.

Eventually, Disney inventoried its executive offices and discovered what was supposed to be an empty office was occupied… but not by a Disney person. They never ascertained who the man was.

But hey, this is a land where talking mice and pantless ducks are normal.

What am I saying? Ducks shouldn’t wear pants!

It’s been a long week.