NET LOSS

by Rob Lopresti

You may consider this a public service announcement. It has come to my attention that some of you are users of that dubious device known as the World Wide Web. It is my sad duty to inform you that some of the information found thereon is not reliable.

(For example, it is not my duty and I ain’t sad about it, but that’s not the point.)

I have pointed out in the past that even printed reference books can be sources of dubious data, but today we are going to pick on the Web, specifically for its remarkable and flourishing assortment of hoaxes.

The first one I remember encountering, and still one of my favorites, was the National Texture Administration. This webpage earnestly declared the NTA to be the branch of the U.S. Department of the Interior with responsibility for texturing the United States so that the surfaces were not all flat and smooth.

The page showed maps indicating how much of the country had been texturized in each decade, and included photos by Ansel Adams showing (it claimed) the process of texturizing Yosemite National Park.

It was insane and I loved it. Then one day it vanished, so completely and suddenly that I can only assume that some government lawyers had A Little Talk with the creator about unauthorized use of the Interior Department seal. Or maybe the lawyers worked for Ansel Adams’ family?

On beyond texture

Ah well. The NTA has been decommissioned but there are many other weird and wonderful sites out there. Many of the ones listed below were identified in this article by my friend, brother librarian, and fellow mystery writer Paul Piper.

You might want to look at these pages without reading my comments first, to see if you can spot the problem. Or not. Enjoy.

Mankato, Minnesota. This may be the most famous hoax blog. Come to Mankato and see the Great Pyramids! Visit the submarine docks! Read the outraged letter from the genuine Mankato Chamber of Commerce!

A Concise Grammar of Feorran I sometimes show this to classes of college students who have trouble figuring out why I have a problem with this detailed and scholarly examination of the language of the noble people of . . . Antarctica.

Clones-R-Us. They are the original. Accept no, uh, substitutes.

Save the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus. Please help us rescue this endangered species. Very endangered. I have lived in the northwest for decades and I can’t even remember the last time I saw an octopus in a tree.

California’s Velcro Crop Under Pressure. Urgent agricultural/fashion news.

Origami boulders. Yes, it’s wadded up paper. You got a problem with that? Be sure to read the letters from baffled viewers.

World Trade Organization is not who runs this site.

Boilerplate. The touching story of a Victorian robot. This website fooled comic actor Chris Elliot who included Boilerplate in his comic novel about nineteenth century England. (He says he thought BP was a Victorian hoax.)

Luddite Industries. Replace that tacky plastic box with a nice wooden computer.

Kresky TV. One has to wonder about the dedication (and priorities) of fans who create loving websites saluting long-gone TV shows, with bios of each actor and detailed guides to each episode. Now imagine doing that for a series that never existed. Something is being satirized here but I’m not sure if it is fansites, or TV, or people who read TV fansites. As Brian McDonough said about the project to convert the works of Shakespeare back into “the original Klingon,” “ . . . on the evolutionary scale of having too much time on one’s hands, you and I are mere plankton.”

Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Division. I show this to ecology students because it makes an important point: everything on this page is true. Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is found in tumors and superfund sites. Breathing in even a small amount can kill you. It is an element of acid rain and greenhouse gases. You may be more familiar with this menace by its chemical formula: H₂O.