TWEETMENT

by Leigh Lundin

In a recent column about the Apple iPad, I speculated what might happen if Star Trek officers used Twitter:

    @Troi: Leaving Rigel VII; Riker was like so all hands on deck Where’s my iPenicillin?

    @Captain: Secret mission to Alpha Centauri to kick Klingon butt. Don’t tell Worf! LOL

That prompted readers to send their own one-liners, which I’ll share below. First, it turns out Twitter has a lot of comedic talent. I’m not a Twitterer (Tweeter?), so I used TweetDeck feeds to collect one-liners. The following are lightly edited from actual Twitterers. Note that many of them make short stories in 140 characters or less.

Twit or Tweet

    @funnyordie: Celebrating national punctuation day on twitter is like celebrating national fitness day at McDonald’s.

    @funnyordie: Anyone else notice that you never see Christine O’Donnell and Chris O’Donnell in the same place at the same time?

    @thesulk: 5-Second DATELINE: "Things were perfect until she died. But did her boyfriend do it? Yes, he did."

    @tj: It’s amazing how many women on network television prefer to keep their bra on while having sex.

    @clarkekant: I’ve got a 3:30 disappointment that I can’t miss.

    @funnyordie: "Open bar" just means you’re going to pay for it in the morning.

    @Aimee_B_Loved: Whoever decided that chocolate fountains are only for special occasions is no friend of mine.

    @TerminalSingles: I think you all would be really impressed with how many chocolate bars I can fit in my mouth while crying.

    @TwitchingDoubt: Mission accomplished: The bottom of the ice-cream tub has been found. Unfortunately the melancholy remains.

    @Paxochka: Bachelors: flies are nature’s way of saying "wash the dishes."

    @BettyLies: If I keep lying here on the couch and drinking like this, I’ll develop fetal position alcohol syndrome.

    @sensual_elle: Had a lot of chemistry with my high-school science teacher.

    @sensual_elle: They told me just be myself, all the good personalities are taken.

    @donni: Wearing the Pooh Bear costume to my court date today. I have a good feeling about this.

    @donni: I bet the Presidential Seal gets to eat all the fish he wants.

    @donni: Health-conscious cannibals prefer to eat doctors.

    @funnyoneliners: A mathematician’s favorite place in New York City? Times Square

    @CelticWombat: Van Gogh was also a fantastic piano player. He learned to play by ear.

    @shariv67: If my last name was The Ripper, I might have anger management issues, too.

    @Paxochka: My family is nuclear in the explosive sense.

    @TheBosha: So two Muslims walk into a bar and yep, you guessed it, they get stoned.

    @ImAVeronica: OH: My fake plants all died because I did not pretend to water them.

    @cpinck: The wind isn’t actually broken, I just… wait, never mind. It’s definitely not working right.

Note! Bluebird icons on the right link to Twitter tutorials.

    @badbanana: People who live in ivory towers must really hate elephants.

    @badbanana: There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen now has twice as much fire.

    @ImAVeronica: What he said: You’re special. What he meant: You have a vagina.

    @SheBanggs: It’s rude when someone tells me to think outside the box the day after I got my bikini wax.

    @YeahImAshley: It isn’t considered drinking alone if you’re holding your vibrator, right?

    @tackie_jackie: Friends and lovers may come and go, but fingers are forever.

    @blondediva11: Men are going to be out of luck if the next generation of vibrators can take out the garbage.

    @Blue_Crab: My libido feels more like a libidon’t at the moment.

    @TerminalSingles: Old Yeller jokes: Apparently, still too soon.

    @thesulk: James Bond. Great spy? Or guy who gets captured every mission.

    @nicedream: For sale: unmarked windowless van, ski mask, and ropes. Reason for selling: I got a Christmas bonus.

    @funnyoneliners: A good way to get out of a speeding ticket is to confess to a murder.

    @westoflondon: You know you’re fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

    @FriedWords: I try to donate to charity, but they keep bringing my kids back.

    @bedheadblonde: I was never a proponent of re-gifting until I had children. My little gifts from Heaven.

    @AristotlesGirl: ‘Maybe’ is just Yes’s way of saying no.

    @BeauBock: I tried living every day as if it was my last, but all that did was ruin my credit.

    @RexHuppke: Illinois has lifted restrictions on the H1N1 vaccine. Now that anyone can get it, I don’t even want it now.

    @PraxisUniversal: I keep in mind that my Credit Score can’t go negative.

    @cpinck: The worst thing about being a poster child is probably the fear of thumbtacks.

    @typooper: I get stressed out when I can’t stress something enough.

    @DDDBU: Expressing my OCD through interpretive dance and anti-bacterial wipes. Yet again.

    @coreyhinds: I can only seem to talk about sad things since my doctor used that tongue depressor on me.

    @SarahKSilverman: On my deathbed I’ll be so glad I watched tons of tv & didn’t travel.

    @blankslate: It is MINUS 37° out! I’m so looking forward to April when the sun reappears along with my testicles.

    @twistedpfister: I was just beating around the bush and had the most amazing orgasm.

    @cpinck: Impressive impersonation of a latex glove snapping, Doc. Can you please turn the lights back on now?

    @EdgellACE: Being on Santa’s naughty list is awesome; we get the best toys ever.

    @twatter: We’ve been married 7 YEARS and I loved every second! We will probably stay together for at least another 7 to 10 business days.

    @GaryDelaney: Breaking News: Hide and seek champion found dead.

    @badbanana: And that’s why you don’t go shopping at the pet store while hungry.

    @Moltz: I get motorboating and waterboarding mixed up sometimes. Thank God for safe words!

    @gordonshumway: The doctor just described my breasts as "unremarkable." Apparently he’s talked to every guy I’ve ever dated.

    @badbanana: I’m starting to think the CIA programmed me to kill upon hearing the song ‘Jingle Bell Rock.’

    @badbanana: Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don’t they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh?

    @rands: It appears I have two music modes: listening to a song endlessly and looking for a song to listen to endlessly.

    @lurkey: Trust me. It was small. It only had a threeskin.

    @davegorum: Me: Living fossil says what? Coelacanth: Very funny.

    @blankslate: How come no one asks the hard questions like – who did Adam and Eve’s kids make babies with?

    @abigvictory: Your eye shadow is a lovely shade of 1985.

    @pattonoswalt: You: "Why me?" The Universe: "And you are…?"

    @SteveMartinToGo: I have the strangest feeling that I’m being followed.

And finally…

    @SethMacFarlane: You know the economy’s in trouble when America’s main export is tweets.

    @juskewitch: Burning a book will never lighten the darkness that is terrifying you. Reading it might.

Local Talent

Following are home-grown entries, partly mine and partly other contributors. Quips fell mostly into (mildly ir)religious and historical categories.

Religious

    @Adam: Hello? Hellooooo? WTF?

    @Eve: Speedo… fig leaf… He just won’t listen.
    @Eve: Just got this fab apple wine recipe.
    @Eve: My boys, such dweebs. Another Saturday night without a date.

    @Jonah: Dudes, that krill thing– don’t believe it.

    @Lot: Hey, go easy on the sodium, babe.

    @LittleJoe: Parental unit bought me new sports coat. It’s neon! Gotta show the bros.

    @Noah: So how was I to know the unicorns were gay?

    @Noah: Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

    @Danny: My self-pubbed new book now on AuthorHouse: Your Cat and YOU.

    @Josh: Shattered a glass with my trumpet! Too cool!

    @wiseman3: Larry and Phil NEVER ask directions. What’s up with On*Star?

    @wiseman3: Told Larry and Phil 1 more day on this #!$€@£%* camel and I’ll hump it!

    @wiseman3: What’s a manger, anyway?

Historical

    @M_Curie: @Röntgen’s so transparent. :*
    @Röntgen: Glowing praise coming from you. 😉

    @Khufu: Architect in de Nile; pyramid scheme sounds like a croc to me. 🙁

    @BigJulius: March 15th, boring senate hearing. Just once, I’d like to take a stab at some humor.

    @Botticelli: Give Girolamo Savonarola one bonfire and he just asks for s’more.

    @A_Boleyn: Lunch today with Jane. I don’t get this ‘mail air’ thing.
    @A_Boleyn: I figure no preggy no prob, but Henry P.O’d. LOL
    @A_Boleyn: EPT negative.

    @Napoleon: What water, Lou?

    @Mildred: Yuck! Threw away Dr Fleming’s mouldy bread. Man, is Alex ticked.

    @Mildred: Now Tommy Carlyle’s pissed at me. How was I to know that wasn’t scrap paper?

Pop Culture

    @Siegfried: Darn! Roy forgot to buy cat food today!

    @accessory_dog_Tink: Christmas shopping done! I bought Paris Hilton a Segway.

FaceBook

Our friend alisa sent in history (of sorts) from FaceBook:

• General History
• World War II

Your Turn

What would you add?