MLIA

by Leigh Lundin

Like Rob, my CB odometer rolled over to 200 today. Amazing when you think how many novels these words could fill, but even more amazing is the knowledge we might touch hearts and minds.

In reality, James has written the most columns because he often wrote two articles a week and formatted fellow CBers while the rest of us cranked out merely one article a week. All told, we packed about 1400 articles under our belts.

I’m not sure if Rob’s and my articles are more eclectic or not, but I suspect readers might find mine the least predictable. The problem with ADD is that everything fascinates me, so I jump from one topic to the next with whatever fires my passion, imagination, sense of injustice, or sense of humor.

Last week’s article was troublesome and a friend gently chided me that it was difficult to tell I’d announced a story in Ellery Queen. As James pointed out, I sometimes have anhedonic fits that make it difficult to self-promote, especially when I’m in the same journal as Lawrence Bloch and Clark Howard. (Okay, I’m working on it!) This week, EQ has the cover and blurb on-line, calling my story ‘English’ "a snappy short-short about a small-town bowling alley’s unlikely hero." How cool is that?

My Life is Average

Today, I’ll tell you about another quirky web site. In the past, I’ve mentioned sites with offbeat comics, the Lego Bible, the minimalist wimp.com video site, and a collection of one-liners mined from Twitter. (By the way, my cousin John managed to locate me… Hi, John! (See, I told you I was ADD.))

Today’s site is called My Life is Average. I avoid FaceBook and MySpace, originally designed for students, but the quirky MLIA (about 90% of its audience is under 21) combines wry and usually gentle humor often as little mini-stories. For example, here’s a little crime story from Friday:

Today, I was really upset about one of my teachers, who doesn’t like me and is giving me a hard time. My friend suggested that I give her a box of chocolates on Valentine’s day. I said that wouldn’t help when he explained I should include a note saying, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you don’t know which is poisoned." I’m not sure if I should be concerned or thrilled at his brilliance. MLIA.

Most entries begin with "Today…" and end with "MLIA". Another example from Friday:

Today, I was at the mall. The escalator was broken, but instead of the sign saying "Sorry, escalator is out of service," someone wrote "Sorry, escalator is temporarily stairs." MLIA

Today, I directed my cousin, who has a cold, to the website DoIHaveSwineFlu.org. The website consists entirely of the words "Yes. PANIC." written in a huge font. It took hours to calm him down. MLIA.

Sometimes they don’t begin with "Today," as in this post:

A fortnight ago I finally solved my Rubik’s Cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word "fortnight." MLIA

M.G. Siegler of The Washington Post calls MLIA "The Service Twitter Was Meant To Be." Occasionally observations are poignant and sometimes one is sad, as with a post Saturday about a friend unexpectedly killed.

Last Sunday, unexpectedly and tragically, my friend was accidentally shot to death. He was a really kind, genuine, average person, and I regret not getting to know him better. The loss of him has greatly affected our school and many people who were very close to him. This is for you, Ryan Edward Flaherty. R.I.P and fly high. WFHS loves you so much. <3 MLIA

On Monday February 21, 2011 Dan Desanctis died in a snowmobile accident. He was only 16 years old. … This isn’t goodbye just see you later. MLIA

Postings that make it to the home page are surprising grammatical. Although capitalization and sometimes punctuation suffers, the site says they use "a diligent team of monkeys specially trained to replace the pronoun ‘i’ with ‘I’."

The site describes itself: "mylifeisaverage.com is a normal and fairly un-exemplary addition to the web." When they have a technical problem, they blame it on their "mediocre server". Their FAQ page says:

I just sent in my MLIA, what happens now?

Most likely, you sit around submitting more stories non-stop until our servers go down. I think that’s the cool kid thing to do recently.

Why has my MLIA not been approved?

Because it sucked.

… or hasn’t been voted on yet.

You can help move things along by voting on submissions.

… but it probably just sucked.

I enjoy the teen humor, intelligence, and insight into how deeply they really care.

Today, I am doing something special and importent. While you see a lot of OH VOTE FOR THIS vote for that!!! posts, I guarantee you with all my heart, this is real. One of my friends has tried to commit suicide multiple times, and I learned of this only recently. A group of terrible people at a different school got a petition signed saying 235 people hated her and thought she should kill herself. Well, I love her and there’s no way I’m letting that happen. So I want at least 250 votes for her. MLI not so A, and neither is hers. Its special, and I want to be able to say that she’s around tomorrow, next week, and next year.

Readers can vote on postings with the high vote being ‘average’ and the low vote ‘meh’. More than 4000 (98%) people voted for the girl, which I suspect is meaningful in secondary school life. The following also got a 98% thumbs up:

Today, I am cancer free. I have never been so proud to say MLIA.

Two days ago I was diagnosed with severe Stage Four Leukemia, and told I have approximately two months to live. I am a supreme fanatic of MLIA, therefore before I die (but most definately hoping that I won’t), I would like to tell each and every one of you with a story posted- your lives are amazing. Most definately not average in my books. MLIA

Yesterday, our history teacher told us that he has been diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. Despite this, he continues to stay upbeat and positive, not refusing to accept defeat. Today, his last day as a teacher at Rim, over 100 students dressed up in nice outfits, as he always reminded us to "stay classy." Every student who had him visited him today to say goodbye. Despite only a 5% survival rate for his degree of cancer, he remained extremely (positive), cracking jokes as he always does. We can all learn something from Michael Faust. Despite insurmountable odds, he continues to reassure everyone that he will beat this and return next year. Dedicated to Michael Faust and all that love him at Rim of the World High School. MLIA

Some appeal to those people who like cat mysteries:

When I got home today, I found my cat running around on the roof, meowing loudly. None of the windows were open. I have so many questions. MLIA

Some are romantic (sort of):

Today, my mom and I were at the store today when I saw a cute guy walk by. Mom noticed I was watching him. She leaned over to me and said, "I wouldn’t mind having his grandchildren." I love my mom. MLIA

Today a boy i really like came up to me, looked me straight in the eyes, and whispered, "i can’t breath when i’m around you…" I thought he was gonna ask me out until he said, "your perfume really makes my asthma flair up." MLIA

And romantically silly:

Today, my friend (who i like) asked me to take a friendship test for him, so he handed me a pokemon game and told me to beat the boss. He hit me once and i died. I was bummed out but he told me it was okay and to pick another pokemon. The names from the games spelled out "Will you go to prom with me?" MLIA

I’m in college and today I got my first kiss. Inside the most epic blanket fort ever. MLIA

And some romantically sound:

Today, I went to the drugstore to buy tampons. I was waiting to check out when my boyfriend’s dad walked in. We looked at each other awkwardly for a moment, and I looked at the box in my hand and said, "Well this is awkward." He looked at me with a completely straight face and said, "No, it’s very reassuring."

Some play with words:

Today, I learned that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo. MLIA

And numbers:

Today, while taking an algebra test, I got stuck on a question because I couldn’t remember for the life of me what a sideways inifinity symbol meant. After a good five minutes, I realized that it was an 8. Sometimes I wonder about myself. MLIA

And some unscramble words. One third of MLIA fans live outside North America. I have sympathy with the following story. On a train in the UK, a woman asked if it was true that American children ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I assured her it was true, and to my surprise she said it was too awful to imagine. Only much later, I discovered she had in mind gelée, like our Jell-O, instead of jam.

I spent years reading MLIA and worrying about the American goldfish population (I’m British). Last Easter holidays I went snowboarding in Tahoe on a school trip. Standing in a supermarket called Wal-Mart I mentioned to my friend that Americans eat goldfish as some kind of ironic delicacy. This employee turned and looked at us both like we were crazy, then led us to this aisle where we saw boxes of goldfish. SOMEONE could have mentioned they were crackers and not the real thing you know! MLIA

Like Twitter, some are one-liners (or 2-liner in this case):

Today, I was trying to figure out if my teacher was wearing a bra. He was. MLIA

Today i joined a group on facebook titled "I can bleed for five days and not die, What’s your super power?" i think this is an epic win for females everywhere. MLIA

And some are damn clever:

I grew up in a college town. One Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened it expecting to see trick-or-treaters, but found another door. A full-on wooden door. It had a sign that said, "Please knock," so we did. The door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as old ladies with curlers in their hair who proceeded to coo over our costumes and tell us we were such cute trick-or-treaters! One even pinched my cheek. Then they gave us candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house. MLIA

Today, I was texting my friend who lives in a different time zone than me. I told her, "I like to think you’re one hour in the future, so if anything important happens, let me know." A few minutes later, she replied, "ZOMBIES! RUN!" MLIA

Some offer advice:

Today, I got pulled over by a cop for speeding. He told me, "I’ve been waiting for someone like you to come by". I replied "I know! Which is why I tried to get here as fast as I could so you wouldn’t have to wait long." He laughed. I didn’t get a ticket. MLIA

Some are triumphant:

Yesterday, the high school girl who made my life miserable added me on facebook. I accepted. The first thing she wrote on my wall? She got a job at a company and is no doubt more successful than I am. I OWN the company she works for. MLIA

And many shine a wry Erma Bombeck light on day-to-day life:

Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn’t want my arms to get cold. MLIA

Today I slipped in the shower and tried to grab onto the water to catch myself. It didn’t work. MLIA

Monday morning, my car wouldn’t start. It wouldn’t start Friday morning either. It did, however, work just fine over the weekend. I like that my car doesn’t want to go to work either. MLIA

Today, as I was giving a slightly mentally-unstable hobo near my church his weekly dollar, a creepy man came up behind and startled me, saying, "Hey Sexy." My beggar friend got up, slapped him, and chased him [away]. Awesome. Hobo. MLIA.

Some cover shopping:

Today my family and I were at a furniture store. My 10 year old sister ran up to a large red wardrobe and threw it open, screaming "It’s Narnia!" Then she climbed into the wardrobe. Laughing, my Mom and I walked away, figuring she would come out on her own. 20 minutes later, we can’t find her. I throw open the wardrobe, searching for her, and it turns out that the wardrobe had no back. It was up against a wall and the wall had gaping hole in it. I climb through and it turns out the hole led to a back storage room. My sister had thought she had found Narnia and the employees were all Narnians. MLIA

Today, i decided to try #9 on "333 Ways to get kicked out of Wal-mart". So i found a kids batman costume, put on the mask and cape, and started to scream "COME ROBIN, TO THE BATMOBILE!!" while running through the aisles. I turned the corner and saw a little boy wearing a robin t-shirt and mask, and when heard me, his entire face lit up and he told his mom "Danger calls!!!" before taking off with me. New accomplice? I think so! MLIA

Or make pop culture (oxymoron!) observations we’ve all considered:

Today, I realised that Twilight used to be just a time of day. I miss that. MLIA.

Today I read an MLIA story about someone’s friend naming her twins Harry and Ron because she was a true Harry Potter fan. Silly muggle, a true fan would have named them Fred and George. MLIA.

Today my family watched CSI. Justsin Beiber got shot. My father replayed the scene 5 times. MLIA

And once in a while you find wisdom:

Today, I finally got fed up and decided to write this story. I have noticed that a lot of MLIA-ers have been writing things like ‘I’m 15’ or ‘I’m 23’ at the end of their posts, implying that they are too old to be doing certain things like eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and wearing footie pyjamas in public. I am 74 years young, and think that it is perfectly acceptable to act in that manner. MLIA

I enjoy it, but then …

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