Sunday, March 29: The A.D.D. Detective
WTF
by Leigh Lundin
The Mystery Place, home of Ellery Queen and Alfred Hitchcock, has been having a writer’s (and readers’) discussion about profanity. Several of our genre’s foremost, John Betancourt, James A. Ritchie, Dick Stodghill, and Toni Kelner have weighed in on the subject.
The consensus, as you might expect, is profanity should be limited to what is justified. If it’s gratuitous, if it doesn’t move the story forward, don’t use it. Swearing is a weak filler when the speaker can’t articulate what to say… or write.
We don’t mind words in other languages, say, merde, mierda, merda, Scheiße, but we don’t like hearing them in our own. A few weeks ago, a reader took me to task for using a word in an article. While I am not a fan of shock value, I felt the word was appropriate in the horrific context of the article. Authors run the risk of offending a reader’s sensibilities and ruining the moment.
Not FIRETRUCK
Law professor Christopher M. Fairman dedicated a book to just one word, a word that begins with F and ends with the letters UCK. That word is not ‘firetruck’. In mathematics, we use the ƒ symbol to denote a function. For purposes of our discussion, ƒ hereafter represents:
ƒ = F-word (not firetruck)
The word is not as old as most people think, dating back to the beginning of the 16th century, and its etymology is unclear. It’s disdained in polite society, but Prince Albert Edward, King Edward VII, used it in 1900; he had an excuse: he was being shot at. In comparison, Princess Anne had little cause, nor the Duke of Edinburgh who told a photographer, “ƒ off or I’ll have you shot.”
Here at home, New York’s Mayor Lindsay was heard on an open mike instructing an aide to shut the ƒ-ing door. Thanks to Richard Nixon, we learned the ƒ-word was used at the highest level of our government.
In English, ƒ is a most versatile word. The 2005 edition of the Macquarie Dictionary lists 17 ‘head words’ and 37 additional definitions, uses that include verbs, nouns, adverbs, adjectives, interjections and commands, the majority non-sexual. The ƒ-word is one of the most commonly used intensives, but through over-use, has become, well, less intense.
Here’s a Monty Python discussion of the topic.
Lost for Words
Velma, our secretary here at the Criminal Brief offices (Velma wears seamed hose and uses a lot of expressions from the 1930s), volunteered to do ƒ-ing research, looking at music, movies, and literature.
Vulgarity and rap has a bad rep. Velma took a rap song and knowing ƒ is offensive to innocent ears, she stripped out all the ƒ words before handing the bowdlerized lyrics to me. Therein I found a surprise, an unexpected sensitivity. This rap piece appeared to be a loving ode to the singer’s mother– or someone’s mother– it’s a little confusing, but the word ‘mother’ occurred 27 times along with the words ‘cap yo’ and a couple of verbs. It’s clear the artiste used ƒ to mask a delicate, vulnerable soul besotted with motherly feelings.
Often lyrics rely upon shock value, but occasionally ƒ is the right word for the job. Consider Pink Floyd’s "Lost for Words" from the Division Bell. In context, they’re not at a loss for words at all: ƒ says perfectly what they have to say.
Saturation
In The Mystery Place discussion, I admitted I’d never seen The Sopranos. This rapid-fire video clip (not for the squeamish) suggests nearly half an hour of the show was repetitiously consumed by two words. Someone even set a couple of minutes to The Flight of the Bumblebee. Think about it: That’s a half hour out of every viewer’s life spent listening to ƒ, which multiplied by the number of fans, could have been, well, outsourced to India.
As for literature, discussion of ƒ came up in an English lit course. I no longer recall who wrote it or what it appeared in, so if you can identify the piece, it may help stem my insanity. The gist of the story was about a young man who reports something like:
"It was a ƒ-ing beautiful day so I decides to take a ƒ-ing walk in the ƒ-ing countryside. As I ƒ-ing strolled down this ƒ-ing country lane amongst the ƒ-ing fields, I comes across this country maid and we goes into the ƒ-ing pasture we has sexual intercourse."
Fornicopia
In Michael Swan’s Practical English Usage, multiple meanings of ƒ-ing are illustrated by comparing the sentences:
- What are you ƒ-ing doing in my bed?
- What are you doing ƒ-ing in my bed?
My own take is that in the bedroom, the mouth could be put to better use, but hey, whatever toasts your pajamas (whatever pajamas are). Words may be an aphrodisiac and a visceral thrill. Some days you feel like a lady, some days you feel like a tramp.
I don’t swear a lot, I really don’t, but I recall a time when I used the word, and one day I’ll reuse the resulting conversation in a story:
I hadn’t seen my girlfriend for what seemed like ages due to traveling. In a burst of emotion, I said, "I ƒ-ing missed you."
"And vice versa," she said.
THAT was ƒ-ing brilliant.
I recall the excitement when Betty Smith’s “A Tree Grows In Brooklyn” appeared containing the F word and people were shocked. Everyone rushed out to buy the book, of course. Especially eager to see the word in print were dogfaced infantrymen who believed no sentence was complete unless it contained at least one big F. How times have changed.
I loved the story about the walk in the woods. WOuld it be more or less funy if it ended with “made love?”
I don’t enjoy reading or writing the f word and I had to deal with that when I wrote the story that appears in SEATTLE NOIR (out in May!). One of my characters is supposed to be a tough, street smart homeless guy. Of course he would be expected to use the bad words. I’m very proud of my solution which took the form of this bit of dialog:
When did this neighborhood fill up with freeaking condos?
Why can’t you swear like a normal person?
Cause I was raised right.
So it isn’t author squeamishness but character quirk. Works for me.
Another interesting thing about the f word is that is about the only adjective inserted into the middle of a word in English (more common in some languages). As in: unfreakingbelievable.
I enjoyed your ƒ-ing post, Leigh. This is coming from a lady who only uses profanity at select times.
When did Velma, or Vemla, join CB?
If any considered bad language is used within context of the character(s) it doesn’t bother me.
Like Rob’s character, because of how I was reared, it is hard for me to use certain words, the f-word not necessarily being one of them.
When I pick up a book or go to a movie, I’m not going to criticize for profanity if I’m stupid enough to buy or go in. I can trash the book or get up and leave the theatre.
Now sitting around the coffee table, that’s different. It’s not nice conversation.
But who the f cares?
My neighbor asked if I used bad language in my writing. I answered, “No, but sometimes my characters do.” I received an interesting rejection once that said my novel was well written and the editor liked it a lot, except for the earthy language, which unfortunately could not be changed without losing the flavor of the story. I had used the infamous word once (followed by “you”)in the 400 pages. It happened when a man just saw someone he loved murdered in a horrendous fashion. I admit originally I had used a kinder word choice. My husband read it and said, “This isn’t what a man would say.” He was right — as he usually is — and for that particular editor’s publishing house, he, too was right.
Very f….ing funny, Leigh
I think the only time Janet at EQM edited me was when I used the f word. She changed it to frickn’. You want to frick?
I do think there is a difference between f…ing and making love. Words are important.
My father was a great story teller and swearer. When my mother would get after him about his “language” he would try to find replacemnet words. Hearing him yell, “sugar!’ instead of sh..!didn’t quite make his point.
I alas picked up his ‘vocabulary’. To this day I have to watch myself.
I once got into a half hour discussion with a 70 year old woman at a critique group about he f word. She said it had no place in fiction and I said there were times you have to use it.
I still believe that, but it all comes down to your audience.
>When did Velma, or Vemla, join CB?
Whoa! Good typo catch, sheena.
Velma came with our new corporate offices, didn’t you hear?
Great piece, Leigh! Really enjoyed it! With the other writers, I’m one who thinks it’s necessary to make the character’s dialogue work for the story. I once had deal with an editorial request to damp down a few words–about three in a 7000 word story–but was unhappy with the result. Those words weren’t chosen carelessly.
As for myself…I had children, and now grandchildren! For them, and in their presence, I self-police my language. Because I admit to sometimes indulging myself in profanity! It’s positively in rebellion to typecasting, I look so blasted ladylike. Remember the book title, “An Unsuitable Job for a Woman?” Hah. So, hell, I f–ing enjoy splashing bad language around…when the kids are away! The devil makes me do it!
(I also enjoy using fractured grammar around Otto Penzler. I love seeing him wince! Same idea.)
>Otto Penzler…
Speaking of whom… Angela and I received a note from the honorable Otto Penzler that reads:
Or as Angela might say, just ƒ-ing be there!
We received a note from Toni Kelner that reads (literally):
In case you missed Toni’s link above, she left a funny example in The Mystery Place, which can be found here!
Penzler is throwing a party for the new MWA anthology? Boy, you learn something new every day. Or maybe he didn’t like my story in one a few years back so I just wasn’t invited.
Sheesh, Dick, the store wasn’t open in 1923.
Maybe because the books I grew up reading didn’t use those words I have avoided them in my writing. My own personal language is another matter! The funniest book I ever read (“The Death and Life of Bobby Z” by Don Winslow) would suffer if the profanity was removed, it fits the character. Remember George Carlin’s bit about replacing the violent word “Kill” with “f” in Western Movies? (“Okay, Sheriff, we’re gonna f you now…)
Very funny, Leigh. I’ll have you know I didn’t arrive on the scene until 1925. It’s still hard to get used to the idea that Calvin Coolidge no longer sits in the Oval Office.
Well, there’s nothing f-ing fresh about my fragging contribution to the freakin conversation, but I thought I’d frelling let you know I gave a frack.
Another take.