MERRIE OLDE ENGLAND

by Leigh Lundin

Someone in the UK with nothing better to do (or possibly dreaming up an internet article) came up with a list of odd and interesting place names, a few that might be censored if tried on today.^[1]

Some simply sound fun: Funzie, Affpuddle, Barton in the Beans, Besses o’th’ Barn, Chemistry, Chequerbent, Yetts O’Muckhart, Zeal Monachorum, Wigglesworth, Cackle and Chatter and Clatter, Crank and Crackpot, Dead Cow Point, Dungy Head, Giggleswick, Goonbell, Grimpo, Helions Bumpstead, Splott and Spunkie, Inkpen, Jump, Killiecrankie, Wrangle and Loggerheads, Land of Nod, Moon’s Moat, Scapegoat Hill, Upend, Stepaside, Seething, Ugley, Westward Ho!, World’s End, and Rest and Be Thankful.

Kirkby Overblow sounds like a vacuum cleaner. At least two, Mumbles and Nasty, could be Dick Tracy characters.

For hard drinkers, we have Beer, Booze, Brawl, Pisser Clough, Knockdown, Great Snoring, Wyre Piddle and Tincleton, Briantspuddle and Turner’s Puddle. You can also find Once Brewed, Frenchbeer, Nobottle, and Pity Me.

For animal lovers, we see Catbrain, Dog Village, Donkey Town, Dove Holes, Cuckoo’s Nest, Elephant and Castle, Abington Pigotts, Queen Camel, Wormiehills, Mousehole, Wasps Nests, Weston-under-Lizard, Wildboarclough, and Noah’s Ark. Those curious about the sex lives of the weasel family can visit Badger’s Mount in Hampshire. Beeswing made we wonder which way they swing.

Hen Poo and Booby Dingle sounds like first graders giggling in a corner. Bullyhole Bottom and Bottom Flash sound puerile, too. I’m not sure where to place Crapstone. The English can be so anal with names like Broadbottom, Loose Bottom, Slack Bottom, Scratchy Bottom, Rotten Bottom, Buttock, Pratt’s Bottom, and Buttock Point on– where else– the Isle of Bute.

The romantic have Sweet Appletree, Red Roses, Hearts Delight, Pett Bottom, and Wedding Hall Fold, but minds wander in Dirty Gutter with names like Mucking, Tomtit’s Bottom, and Prickwillow. Travis Erwin could have invented Titaboutie. Great Cockup^[2], Assloss, and Tiltups^[3] End suggest something went dreadfully wrong.

Long Load, Golden Balls, and Wide Open sound like bragging, Sandy Balls like nudists at the beach, while Balls Cross seems ominous. Bare, Twatt, and Shagg could prove interesting, while Wetwang and Cold Blow sound chilling. Nether Wallop and Cropwell Bishop could be kinky and I don’t want to know what Ramsbottom or Dancing Dicks is all about. Cocklick End, Tongue of Gangsta, Stublick, and Lickey End are downright obscene, on a par with America’s own French Lick, Indiana.

And Last…

We end with a name that proudly served residents for nearly 900 years until the invention of computers, the world wide web, and obscenity filtering: Scunthorpe.^[4]

¹ Of course we Americans have Naked City, now incorporated into Roselawn, Indiana and Grand Tetons which translates into ‘big boobs’.

² In British slang, means ‘screw-up’, mismanaged or mishandled.

³ In British slang, means ‘prostrate’ (actually face-up), passed out.

⁴ You can figure it out on your own or find the answer here.

By Any Other Place Name

Eons ago, I was working on a crossword puzzle when I came across a puzzling clue: Four letters– a city in the middle of Czechoslovakia. As I worked in letters from other words, it became obvious the answer must be Oslo. I grew convinced the New York Times made a mistake– and then I saw my error. Devious!