MYSTERIOUS LIFE LESSONS

by Deborah Elliott-Upton

This week’s column was written in spurts. I was suffering from a heinous stomach virus that allowed me to sit at the keyboard only for a few minutes at a time. I’ve since made a full recovery, but some interesting ideas floated around my semi-consciousness during the times I rested. My eyes were too sensitive to light to be able to read. Television was barely suitable because I kept looking up when the dun-dun-duhn music soared. I soon realized TV had to take a backseat until I felt better. Thinking about mysteries was about all I could manage.

I scribbled on my bedside notepad a few life lessons I gleaned over the years from reading, watching or hearing mysteries.

• Even if you’re the #1 son, it doesn’t mean you’re smarter than your dad.
• No matter how intelligent our observations, it’s easy to mistake a red herring for a real clue sometimes – something our smarter brother would never do.
• A good detective isn’t required to have a signature drink, but if he does, that is all he can ever drink. No substitutions.
• Women who sleep with the detectives they hire are usually not staying around for the long haul.
• If real-life mystery writers discovered dead bodies everywhere they went, most of us would spend an inordinate amount of time at the police station being interrogated.
• If you’re smart enough, someone else will do the legwork while you tend to your favorite hobby.
• If I’m in need of a lawyer, I’m hiring the one who always gets his clients freed by getting the real culprit to admit his guilt while under cross-examination on the witness stand.
• When in trouble, try to make acquaintance with the town busybody spinster who when not solving crimes knows how to knit.

Finally, I decided music probably would best soothe my soul, so I caught the Mystery Train. C’mon, take a ride.