ANOTHER BOX OF CHOCOLATES

by John M. Floyd

About eighteen months ago I did a column here at Criminal Brief — a quiz, actually — on movie quotes, called “Dialogue is Like a Box of Chocolates.” The idea was to remind both readers and writers of the importance and variety of fictional dialogue, and that certain lines can sometimes outlast the stories themselves. Mainly, though, I did it just because I love movies. And since there wasn’t enough space to include some quotes that I really liked, and since I needed an idea for a piece this week anyhow . . . well, I’m back and making more trouble, right here in River City.

For those who didn’t see or take that quiz, here’s the deal. I’ve listed fifty more quotes from the big screen, about half of them from mystery/crime/suspense movies. If you can come up with the names of all the films, then you’re probably as crazy as I am and I feel a little sorry for you. But I hope this might at least trigger some good memories.

Like last time, extra credit is happily granted if you also recall who said what. So, yeah, baby, if last night you dreamed you went to Manderley again, or you woke up screaming STELLA! or ADRIAN! or even if you just picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue, try this quiz. Go the distance, make my day, show me the money, use the Force, and do that voodoo that you do so well. If you answer them all, you’re king of the world and I’m your number one fan. If you don’t get any of them right, no worries, mate, don’t flee the interview — tomorrow is another day. And we’ll always have Paris. Any questions, anyone? Anyone?

Okay, here we go. Just remember: As long as you hit that wire with the connecting hook at precisely 88 mph the instant the lightning strikes the tower . . . everything’ll be fine.

NOTE: Answers will be spread over my next several columns.

1. Tell them Inspector Callahan thinks there’s a two-eleven in progress at the bank.

2. That plane’s dusting crops where there ain’t no crops.

3. If I don’t come back, tell Mother I love her. / Your mother’s dead, Llewelyn. / Well then, I’ll tell her myself.

4. Anybody hear that? It’s an impact tremor, that’s what it is. I’m fairly alarmed here.

5. And that was the end of Grogan — the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog . . . and stole my Bible.

6. You are in need of a soothsayer. / How did you know? / I’d be a fine soothsayer if I didn’t.

7. This lighter has sixty-two different functions. Sixty-three if you wish to light a cigar.

8. Funny thing is, on the outside I was an honest man. I had to come to prison to be a crook.

9. I’d like to make her look a little more attractive. How far can you pull back? / How do you feel about Cleveland?

10. That’s a Smith and Wesson — and you’ve had your six.

11. Don’t open my pantry, Father. I found one of them in there and I locked him in.

12. What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.

13. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

14. You just shot an unarmed man! / He should’ve armed himself.

15. When you said you chased tornadoes, I thought that was just a metaphor.

16. Travis! Bring your gun!

17. That was the end of my religion period. I ain’t sung a hymn for 104 years.

18. I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too.

19. I want Ness . . . dead. I want his family . . . dead. I want his house . . . burned to the ground.

20. Why would a man leave his apartment three times on a rainy night with a suitcase and come back three times?

21. Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.

22. Have you ever killed anyone? / Yeah, but they were all bad.

23. Raise your hands — and all of your flippers.

24. He’s in a gunfight right now. He’ll have to call you back.

25. I read where you were shot five times in the tabloids. / It’s not true. He didn’t come anywhere near my tabloids.

26. This was no boat accident.

27. On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of His true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?

28. You know, the one thing I can’t figure out, are these girls real smart or real real lucky?

29. There’s only one rule: Once you go in . . . you don’t come out.

30. You can shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit ’em . . .

31. By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William the Second, I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.

32. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we’re holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that.

33. Igor, help me with the bags. / Certainly. You take the blonde, I’ll take the one in the turban. / I was talking about the luggage.

34. The next time I say something like let’s go to Bolivia, let’s go to Bolivia.

35. Every man on that transport died — Harry wasn’t there to save them because you weren’t there to save Harry.

36. We rob banks.

37. I just noticed that a fancy pilot like Slick over there doesn’t have his picture on your wall. What do you have to do to get your picture up there anyway? / You have to die, sweetie.

38. Down your weapons put.

39. Ain’t had no water since yesterday, Lord. Gettin’ a little thirsty. Just thought I’d mention it. Amen.

40. That ditch is Boss Kean’s ditch. And I told him that dirt in it’s your dirt. What’s your dirt doin’ in his ditch?

41. The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea.

42. I’m always frank and earnest with women. In New York I’m Frank, in Chicago I’m Ernest.

43. I asked for a car, I got a computer. How’s that for being born under a bad sign?

44. I’d like to report a truck driver who’s been endangering my life.

45. Kane will be a dead man in half an hour and nobody’s gonna do anything about it. And when he dies, this town dies too.

46. You know anything about a guy who goes around playing a harmonica?

47. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

48. I once asked this literary agent, what kind of writing paid the best. He said, “Ransom notes.”

49. What is your nationality? / I’m a drunkard.

50. Is this coincidence, or are you back on the case? If so, goody goody.

Again, I hope some of those brought back fond memories. If so, goody goody. If not, rest easy: I’m about quizzed out. (In other words, ain’t gonna be no rematch. Don’t want one.)

Anybody up for a toga party?